Straightforward Crap Jokes! - The "I'll get me coat" Collection.

ancienturion

LE
Book Reviewer
A blonde was telling a priest an Irish joke, when halfway through the priest interrupts her, "Don't you know I'm Irish?"

"Oh, I'm sorry," the blonde apologizes, "do you want me to start again and talk slower?"
 

dlrg

LE
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The owner of a small shop on the high street comes to work one day and notices the main display window has a crack in the corner. He phones the local glazier and they send round old Jim. Jim has been in the business since he was a boy, comes to work in dungarees and a flat cap, carries the tools of his trade in a canvas bag, real old fashioned craftsman type.

Anyway, Jim looks at the window and asks the shop owner if he wants the window replaced or just something done to stop it getting worse. The shop owner asks the costs of both options and decides to just have something done that will stop it getting worse rather than the cost of a whole new window.

So Jim goes into his canvas bag of tools and comes out with a little marker pencil. He carefully looks at the crack, and marks a point about an inch from the end. He then goes into his bag and pulls out a hand drill and a small diamond tipped bit, and proceeeds to drill a small hole where he had marked.

During all this, the young blonde female shop assistant had been watching intently. When Jim was finished she asked him what the hole was for. Jim explained that the crack would keep growing in the same direction until it reached the hole and then stop.

The shop assistants face suddenly lights up, "I knew there was a reason for my belly button...."
 
Bill Gates made his name in software.
Richard Branson made his name in air travel and media.
Donald Trump made his in property.
I made my name in alpha betty spaghetti.
 

dlrg

LE
My wife didn't order anything from Amazon yesterday, so the delivery guy knocked on the door to see if we were ok
 
I was sitting with my mate having a few beers when he leaned in put his hand on my leg and said, "Fancy staying here tonight?" with a wink.
"What about work tomorrow?" I asked.
He said, "What about work?"
I said, "You're going to struggle with two black eyes and a broken arm."
 
Environmentalists say the Green Belt is in danger of disappearing in Britain.
I agree. I can't remember the last time I saw someone wearing one.
 

dlrg

LE
Parlez-vous français?


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Parlez-vous français?


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Sounds like a terrible weapon, but the one for killing a German vampire is the wurst.
 
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dlrg

LE
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