Straightforward Crap Jokes! - The "I'll get me coat" Collection.

Auld-Yin

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Speakin for the rabble, what am this intteligence?
New, foreign stuff, you will find it on the vegetable shelf beside the cabbages.
 
SO YOU COWARDS think you're tough because you jumped me?? Waited for me to be alone... in front of my house???
I still handled all of you, left 3 of you on the ground laid out!! You're lucky I don't have any marks on my face. I have some on my arms and neck but so what!!!! I bet you didn't expect me to swing back since it was 6 against one.
I might be old but I'm not too old for this!
Yeah, I'm not gonna lie I was getting tired of fighting and just wanted to go back in the house, but I kept on swinging and made sure you got yours!!!!!
All I have to say is, you started this and I finished it......



I hate wasps!!!...
 
My wife just rang to say Gavin from autoglass has just been & injected his resin into her crack, i'm no normally suspicious, but i've got the fuckin' motor!!!!!
 

dlrg

LE
"How did you lose your hands?", asked a bloke in the pub.
"I stole a fish in the Middle East", I replied, "it was so big that I couldn't run fast enough and they caught me."
"How big was it?" he said.
I held my arms out wide and said, "A bit bigger than that."
 
A young Scottish lad and lassie were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, and just gazing out over the loch.
For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin'... perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while, the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." The young man knit his brow. "Well, now," he said, "my thoughts are a bit more serious this time." "Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
"Aye," said the lad. "Din'na ye think it's aboot time ye paid me that first penny?"
 
Me; Whenever I get mad at you, you never seem to get upset
How do you manage to control your temper ?
Wife; I just go and clean the toilet
Me; How does that help ?
Wife; I use your toothbrush
 
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This year's World Karaoke Championship has been won by India for the first time.
"I'm really thrilled, it's a great honor to represent my country" said Gedupta Singh.
 
A chap sees a mouse sitting on a seat beside him in the cinema eating popcorn. He says “what are you doing here?” The mouse says, “well, I enjoyed the book”.
 
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