Straightforward Crap Jokes! - The "I'll get me coat" Collection.

I told a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her tits...
"Really?" she said, "Go on then...try." After about thirty seconds of fondling she lost patience and demanded "Come on, what day was I born?" “Yesterday." I replied.
 
We describe Owls are wise.
The collective noun for Owls is a parliament.
Vote Owl at the next election
The collective noun for Parrots is a pandemonium
I think we've been confusing the two
 

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War Hero
I told a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her tits...
"Really?" she said, "Go on then...try." After about thirty seconds of fondling she lost patience and demanded "Come on, what day was I born?" “Yesterday." I replied.
My wife fell for it...

Now I think about it, she was probably just humouring me. Ah well. At least I copped a feel.
 
Following a shipwreck, a man is washed up on a desert island with Scarlett Johansson, the only other survivor. They manage to stay alive and after a while, end up sleeping together. After a few weeks, the guy says, "Scarlett, do you mind if I draw a moustache on you and call you Frank?"

She says, "yeah ok", so he does and then says to her, "here Frank, you'll never guess who I'm shagging".
 
Who said mammals could mussel in?
I thought for a while that @Don't tell him pike was going to climb off his Perch to join in. The Tench sion was killing me.

But then I realised...it was just a Bream ;-)
 

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