Straightforward Crap Jokes! - The "I'll get me coat" Collection.

How can Essex and Edinburgh be so far away, yet have such similarities in accent?
Because your country is so tiny?:-D

Like they say, Americans think 200 years is old, and the British think 200 miles is far.
 

Joker62

ADC
Book Reviewer
Don't talk about the AC?
Members in good standing are eligible for election to the executive committee.

You just fell foul of Rule 2.
 
While reading an article about fathers and sons drinking together, I recalled the time I took my daughter out for her first drink.
Off we went to the local village pub just a couple of hundred yards from our home. First drink ordered was a Guinness, which she spat out almost immediately. I conceded that she perhaps didn’t like Guinness, so I finished her drink off.
Next we tried some Stella Artois, and just like the Guinness earlier, a half mouth consumed which was duly spat out. I conceded that perhaps lager wasn’t for her, so I duly finished her drink off.
Next we tried some cider, and as before, a little taste which was quickly spat out in disgust. I also finished this drink off for her.
Perhaps my daughter was a spirit drinker instead? So I ordered several different spirits including vodka, gin, brandy, rum, and whisky. Each drink tasted, each drink spat out, each drink finished by me.
By the time I finally realised that alcohol and my daughter didn’t mix I was so drunk I could hardly push her home in the stroller.
 

Fang_Farrier

LE
Kit Reviewer
Book Reviewer
When the doctor told me that he'd messed up my operation, my heart was in my mouth.
 

Joker62

ADC
Book Reviewer
I went on the piss with a few mates and we ended up in Amsterdam for the weekend.
Not wanting to upset the wife I thought I'd buy her a present. She loves flowers and I looked all over but couldn't find anything appropriate so I decided to buy her a sex toy. I went into the first sex shop I could find and bought a vagina. When I got home, before she started shouting, I gave her the present. Calming down slightly, she opened up the box and took out the vagina.
"What the fucks this?" She said.
"Two lips from Amsterdam" I replied.
 

Joker62

ADC
Book Reviewer
Asked for a large cod in in my local chippy,he said it won't be long,
I said it'd better be fat then.
 
 
Judy got married and had 13 children. Her first husband Ted died of cancer.
She married again, and with Bob she had 7 more children. Bob was killed in a car accident 12 years later.
Judy again remarried,.... and this time she and John had 5 more children. Judy finally died, after having 25 children.
Standing before her coffin the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they are finally together."
Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend Margaret: "Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"
Margaret replied:...."No Ethel; I think he means her legs..."
 
I bought a ring for £1 at a charity shop and a chap on Antiques Roadshow said it was extremely rare and worth £2,000.
I did the decent thing and took it back to the shop.
And told them all about it.
 

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