Straightforward Crap Jokes! - The "I'll get me coat" Collection.

During plane flights I get terrible earache, but this year I've found out the solution thanks to the travel agents help. She's booked my wife twenty rows behind me.
 
I was standing at the bar when a girl came up to me.
"Fancy buying me a drink?" She said,
"Sure," I replied. "If you let me choose."
"Okay," she grinned. "But how will you know what I want?"
"Well, it's kind of a talent," I smiled. "All I do is look a girl up and down and I know exactly what drink suits her best."
"Okay," she giggled. "You can choose for me."
So I turned to the barman and said, "Diet coke, mate."
 

dlrg

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tiredoldhorse

War Hero
Have you noticed how many F1 drivers have names linked to Scottish towns?
Stirling Moss, Lewis Hamilton, Eddie Irvine, Ayr Town Centre
 

tiredoldhorse

War Hero
I rang the Scam Victim's Helpline.
Now all I've got to do is send them their £300 administration fee and they'll start work on my case.
 

tiredoldhorse

War Hero
After watching the sequel I've spent many years searching for the first installment.
Does anyone know where I can buy the film Rita, Sue and Bob 1 ?
 
I always wanted a really fanct looking wind up analogue watch, so I went to this nice little shop in the high street that specialises in them.

After looking at a few I asked the bloke behind the counter about one in particular. He started reeling off facts and figures about it, and ended with "...and it has a lifetime guarantee if you are wearing it".

"So how does that work?" I asked

"Simple really, when the main spring gives out it breaks out of the case and slashes your wrist..."
 

Stibbon

Old-Salt
Last night my wife sent me a text saying she was in Casualty.
When I got home I watched all 50 minutes of it...............never saw her once??!

She still hasn't come home yet.

I'm starving!! :oops::(
 

O Zangado

War Hero
Apologies if this has appeared before.

A busload of nuns are killed in a multiple pileup. They arrive at the gates of Heaven and meet St. Peter. He says to them, "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I'll let you through the Pearly Gates, but before I may do so I must ask you all a single question."

Turning to the first nun in the line, he asks her, "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" The Sister responds, "Well there was this one time i touched one with the tip of my pinky finger." St. Peter says, "All right, Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in this Holy Water and you may be admitted." And she did so.

St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says, "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" "Well, there was this one time when I held one for a moment." "All right, Sister, just wash your hands in the Holy Water and you may be admitted." And she does.

Suddenly, St. Peter hears a jostling in the line and looks up. It seems one nun is trying to cut in front of another. "Sister Susan", he says, "What is this? There is no rush." Sister Susan responds, "Well, if I'm going to have to gargle that stuff, I'd better do it before Sister Mary sticks her arrse in it."

OZ
 
Dorothy is very upset as her husband Albert had just passed away. She goes to the mortuary to look at her dearly departed and the instant she sees him she starts wailing and crying.
One of the attendants rushes up to comfort her. Through her tears she explains that she was upset because Albert was wearing a black suit and that it was his dying wish to be buried in a blue suit. The attendant apologises and explains that they always put the bodies in a black suit as a matter of course, but he'd see what he could do.
The next day Dorothy returns to the mortuary to have one last moment with Albert before his funeral the following day. When the attendant pulls back the curtain, Dorothy manages to smile through her tears as Albert is now wearing a smart blue suit. She asks the attendant, "How did you manage to get that beautiful blue suit ?"
"Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband's size was brought in and he was wearing a blue suit. Incredibly, his wife was very upset as he had always wanted to be buried in a black suit " the attendant replied.
He continued "After that it was simply a matter of swapping the heads around."
 
Police hunting the 'Knitting Needle Nutter' who has stabbed six people in the arse in the last 48 hours, believe that the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.
 

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