Straightforward Crap Jokes! - The "I'll get me coat" Collection.

Hairy-boab

Old-Salt
Two guys are sitting in a pub in Methil, and one announces that he has bought a new pet. Reaching below the table, he picks up a bird cage with a pugnacious parrot inside. The parrot immediately starts to squawk, "Hey, I'm Jimmy the hardest fücking parrot in Fife! What the fück do you want?"

The pub falls silent, the parrot continues, "what the fück are you lot looking at? See me? I'm the hardest fücking parrot in Fife! I'm gonna do you!"

On the other side of the pub sits an old boy with a large rottweiler. He shouts, "Hey, I bet my dog can do your parrot- £20 says he can!". The bet is agreed, hands are shaken, and the furious Rottweiler, all foaming teeth etc, and the parrot are hurriedly thrown into the street, and the wooden pub door closed. All hell breaks loose, yapping, thumping, and so on, until silence falls. The door slowly swings open, and in walks Jimmy, brushing a little dust from his feathers. Behind him, the dog is motionless, bleeding and whimpering. "See, I told you's!" shouts Jimmy, "I'm the hardest fücking parrot in Fife!".

Pandemonium breaks out, everybody in the pub wants the next fight, and a punter runs off home to get his African python, which arrives hungry and furious, lashing its tail and striking wildly. Bets are made, and once more the two animals are thrown into the street outside the pub and the door slammed for safety.... bangs, wallops, crashes and a strange ripping noise are heard.. before the door opens and in walks Jimmy, not a feather out of place. Behind him, only the pythons skin can be seen on the pavement. The snake's owner runs sobbing into the darkness, never to be seen again. "See! I telt you, I'm the hardest fücking parrot in Fife" crows Jimmy.

All this time, a stranger has been sitting quietly in the corner, next to another enormous bird cage, under a blanket. As the pub falls silent, he coughs gently. "My bird against yours, winner takes it all, what do you say?". Whipping off the blanket, he reveals a mighty golden eagle, with a vicious beak and razor-sharp claws. At this point, even Jimmy looks a little nervous, but hands are shaken, and once more the combatants are thrown into the street....

The battle is hard fought, nay apocalyptic. Fearing for their own safety, the drinkers keep the door tightly sealed, as bins fly and the nearest street light explodes into shards of glass.. A car alarm wails, until eventually... nothing....

The pub door is cautiously opened to reveal a scene of devastation, with a vast cloud of feathers slowly settling. Finally, a tiny figure is seen to stagger in... It is Jimmy, absolutely plucked of feathers from head to toe, barely walking. The eagle is nowhere to be seen. "What happened?" cries Jimmy's owner, cradling his tiny naked pet.

Jimmy opens a bruised eye.... "Well... I'm still the hardest fücking parrot in Fife".... "But I had to take my jaiket aff for that cünt!"
 
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tiredoldhorse

War Hero
A psychiatrist finds a man lying by the road who has been robbed and beaten senseless.
The psychiatrist says, "My god, whoever did this needs help!"
 

Fang_Farrier

LE
Kit Reviewer
Book Reviewer
My granny died very peacefully, just sat back in the chair, closed her eyes and went to sleep forever.





Scared the fück out of the dentist though.


Have had several medical emergencies over the years that have required ambulances.
Most have been sudden onset, fits. The adrenaline kicks in and you deal with it.

Scariest was a lass who slowly lost consciousness, drifted in and out.
Was nothing we could do but wait until the ambulance arrived.

All have survived.
 

miner69er

War Hero
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tiredoldhorse

War Hero
This morning i changed a light bulb
Later I crossed the road
Then I walked into a bar.
I'm beginning to think my life is a joke.
 

miner69er

War Hero
Mujibar was trying to get a job in the UK government.

The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it you cannot qualify for this job."

Mujibar said, "I am ready."

The manager said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister manager, I am ready."

The manager said, "Go ahead."

Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"

Mujibar now works for the Government of the UK.

No doubt you have spoken to him because it seems I do regularly.
 

ancienturion

LE
Book Reviewer
With a very seductive voice a wife asked her husband. "Have you ever seen twenty quid all crumpled up?"

"No" said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile unbuttoned the top three buttons of her blouse and slowly reached down in her cleavage created by a soft, silky pushup bra and pulled out a crumpled Twenty pound note

He took the crumpled twenty pound from her and smiled approvingly.

She then asked "Have you ever seen fifty pounds all crumpled up?"

"No I haven't" he said, an anxious tone in his voice.

She gave him another sexy little smile pulled up her skirt, seductively reached into her tight sheer panties and pulled out a crumpled fifty pound note

He took the crumpled fifty pound note and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.

"Now" she said "Have you ever seen 50,000 pounds all crumpled up?"

"No way" he said becoming even more aroused and excited to which she replied:

"Go look in the garage.”
 

Fang_Farrier

LE
Kit Reviewer
Book Reviewer
The French customs officer confiscated my crate of snails and now I have less cargo.
 

tiredoldhorse

War Hero
After having left school a little over 45 years ago,
I have today used Quadratic Equations.
Alright, it was an answer in a crossword, but I used it
 

miner69er

War Hero
A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back.

"Where are you going?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 19 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, USA, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses..."

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious...I won't be long. I'll be right back, I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 15 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

"But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know... there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, cutie pie?..."LISTEN UP ********! DRINK YOUR ******* BEER IN YOUR BLEEDIN' FROZEN MUG AND EAT ************ SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE!
GOT IT, ********?"

....and, they lived happily ever after according to her.
 
A Jamaican man bought a round of drinks for everyone in the bar,
announcing that his wife had just given birth to "a typical
Jamaican baby boy weighing 20 pounds."
Congratulations showered him from all around, and many
exclamations of "Wow!" were heard. A woman fainted due to sympathy
pains.
Two weeks later, he returned to the bar. The bartender said, "Say,
you're the father of the Jamaican baby who weighed 20 pounds at
birth. How much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answered, "Fifteen pounds."
The bartender was puzzled. "Why? What happened? He weighed 20 pounds at birth?"
The Jamaican father took a slow sip from his Red Stripe beer,
wiped his lips on his shirtsleeve, leaned into the bartender and
said, "Had him circumcised mon."
 

Dwarf

LE
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Dwarf

LE
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A little girl walks into her parents' bathroom and notices for the First time, her father's nakedness.
Immediately, she is curious: he has equipment that she doesn't have. She asks, "What are those round things hanging there, daddy?"
Proudly, he replies, "Those, sweetheart, are God's Apples of Life.
Without them we wouldn't be here."
Puzzled, she seeks her mommy out and tells her what daddy has said,
to which mommy asks, "Did he say anything about the dead branch they're hanging from?
 
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