Straightforward Crap Jokes! - The "I'll get me coat" Collection.

A priest dies and his spirit is in the void when a voice calls to him,
"Well my old son, you got it wrong, karma is the law of the universe and you need to go back and learn your lesson. "
"I understand, " said the priest, "but please, don't send me back as a priest, the things I did I'm really sorry for and I will need to learn restraint and compassion. "
"Oh, you don't get off that easy, " replied the voice, "you're going back as a choirboy!!..
 

miner69er

War Hero
A dog goes into a telegraph office and says “I’d like to send a telegram”

”Certainly, “ says the guy behind the counter, picking up a pencil “what’s the message?”

”Woof woof woof woof woof, woof woof woo. Woof”

The guy counts the words and says “that’s nine words, the minimum charge is for twelve words, you got three left”

Dog says “no, that’s ok”

Guy says “oh, go on it’d be a waste not to”

Dog says “but I’ve got nothing left to say”

Guy says “what about “Woof woof woof?”

Dog says “What? that’d make no fecking sense would it”
 

miner69er

War Hero
A guy walks into a bar and says to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas"

The barman says "Wow, you must have had one hell of a day"
"Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay"

The next day, the same guy comes into the bar and asks for six more double vodkas. When the bartender asks what's wrong, the man says "I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!"

On the third day, the guy comes into the bar and orders another six double vodkas. The bartender says "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

The man downs the first drink and shakes his head "Yeah, my wife!"
 

miner69er

War Hero
During a pub quiz, I sneakily called my wife and asked

'Which is the largest state in the USA? Your sisters good on geography'

'Alaska' she replied I said 'Well, hurry up, there's 8 pints riding on this..'
 

miner69er

War Hero
A Scotsman, an Irishman and a Welshman all owe an Englishman £10.

Sadly, the Englishman dies before he can collect on the debt.

The three debtors all attend his funeral.

As the coffin is lowered into the grave, the Irishman and the Welshman each throw in a £ 10-pound note.

The Scotsman retrieves the 2 £10 notes and chucks in a cheque for £30
 
A dog goes into a telegraph office and says “I’d like to send a telegram”

”Certainly, “ says the guy behind the counter, picking up a pencil “what’s the message?”

”Woof woof woof woof woof, woof woof woo. Woof”

The guy counts the words and says “that’s nine words, the minimum charge is for twelve words, you got three left”

Dog says “no, that’s ok”

Guy says “oh, go on it’d be a waste not to”

Dog says “but I’ve got nothing left to say”

Guy says “what about “Woof woof woof?”

Dog says “What? that’d make no fecking sense would it”
21st century dogs don’t send telegrams though. They send wee mails.
 

tiredoldhorse

Old-Salt
Nostalgia Moment
Hairdressers are not as good as they used to be.
When I was a kid, barbers were that confident they had given you a good haircut, they sold condoms.
 

miner69er

War Hero
I walked into the pub with my missus and the barman said, "Punching above your weight aren't you, pal? Where did you find her?"

"Thailand. We're getting married." I replied.

"You don't want to get married. That's when the blowjobs stop", he said.

"I don't mind that, I hate giving her them anyway!" I replied.
 

New Posts

Latest Threads

Top