Straightforward Crap Jokes! - The "I'll get me coat" Collection.

tiredoldhorse

War Hero
Does anyone know the number of an emergency vet?
I've just been checking the room sizes in a new flat and my cat has suffered some head injuries.
 

Cutaway

LE
Kit Reviewer
Paddy and his wife go out for a meal on to celebrate her birthday. The waitress welcomes them, shows them to their table and asks them if they are celebrating anything special. Paddy smiles and says it’s my wife’s birthday! The waitress takes their order and brings their food. Smiling she says to them “enjoy your meals but make sure you save room for a free dessert”.

Paddy pondered for a while and asked the waitress to explain again and she says, “yes, if you save room we’ll give you a free dessert to celebrate your wife’s birthday”

He pondered a little more, then stood up and shouted “vroom, vroom”.
 

tiredoldhorse

War Hero
I've been told I'm not ambitious enough.
If only there was an olympic sport for being a lazy.
That bronze medal would be mine.
 

tiredoldhorse

War Hero
sci fact.jpg
 

Dwarf

LE
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I've been told I'm not ambitious enough.
If only there was an olympic sport for being a lazy.
That bronze medal would be mine.
Slight tangent, sitting around gabbing at work with a bunch of female colleagues (before the days of political correctness and metoo) and they started asking me how good I was in bed. I replied that I wasn't a very good lover, and that if sex was an olympic sport I'd always win the silver medal.

There was a couple of second of silence as they all digested that, and then the quiuck one in the group said "does that mean you always come second? I wish my husband did...."
 

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