Straightforward Crap Jokes! - The "I'll get me coat" Collection.

tiredoldhorse

Old-Salt
I'm convinced 90% of the software on my computer doesn't do anything
except send me notifications that there's a new version of itself.
 

dlrg

LE
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miner69er

War Hero
A pompous member of the Edinburgh middle class dies and comes to the Pearly Gates. St Peter scans the list and tells him that he is destined for the other place. The goodly burgher explodes with rage;

"You must have that wrong; I've been a model Christian all my life! I've kept all the Commandments, I go to St Giles every Sunday and always put £20 in the collection! This is outrageous! I demand that you go to God and get him to rescind this ridiculous decision!

St Peter, a bit world-weary, agrees and goes off to find God.

On his return, the burger asks "What did God say about this dreadful mistake?"

"You can have the money back.
 
No tit-for-tat in Ireland? Bollocks, the place couldn't exist without it.
 
Police recently reopened a 1980s cold case of an unidentified female murder victim.

After forensics DNA tested sperm stains on the woman's dress they found 285 matches.

The victim has been named as Eileen.
 
Two old school friends hadn’t seen each other for years and got together for a pint. They get on well and start bragging to each other about how their lives have gone.

I’m a plastic surgeon” says one “I make millions doing breast enlargements on fit, rich MILFs. I’ve done really well; I can pick and chose. I don’t do any fat munters”.

The second one says “that’s **** all. I’m a tattoo artist and I get to do my art stunning, porn fit chicks. No way do I do tramp stamps”.

And so the bullshit went on as they sank more beer. It was a tit-for-tat argument.
 
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