Straightforward Crap Jokes! - The "I'll get me coat" Collection.

tiredoldhorse

War Hero
springer 4 sale.jpg
 
Why can't vacuum cleaner manufacturers put an audio port on them so that only the person using it can hear it
Indeed. We have a ‘George’ (the big version of the ‘Henry’). I have hyperacusis, so have to leave the house when SWMBO uses it - even my ear-defenders are insufficient protection; imagine standing beside a Saturn V.
 

Cutaway

LE
Kit Reviewer

miner69er

War Hero
Colonel Sir Bufton-Tufton has three male triplets.

On the morning of their 18th birthday, he's sat in the breakfast room scoffing his kedgeree and Darjeeling whilst reading the Times.

Son Algernon walks in.

“Happy birthday my son. What are your plans now you have reached your majority”.
“Well Pater, I wather thought I would follow in your footsteps, go to Sandhurst and weplicate your illustrious militawy caweer in the Guards”

“Capital notion Algy. Here’s two thousand pounds towards your cadetship to start you off”.


Son Bertram walks in.

“Happy birthday my son. What are your plans now you have reached your majority”.
“Well Pater, I wather thought I would follow in your post militawy footsteps, go to Balliol, study law and weplicate your illustrious legal caweer as a bawwister

“Capital notion Berty. Here’s two thousand pounds towards your studies to start you off”

Half an hour later son Harold shambles in dressed in shabby clothes and with a catastrophic hangover.

“Happy birthday Harry. What are your plans now you have reached your majority”.
“Well Dad, I thought I would break with family tradition, take to the land and become a farmer”
The colonel goes red in the face and explodes.

“A farmer. A ruddy farmer. Wading around in pigshit and rogering milkmaids. The Bufton-Tuftons have a proud tradition of entering the army, the law, the church or the varsities. I’m absolutely appalled”

So he kicked Harry in the bollox and said “There’s two acres to get you started off”.
 

miner69er

War Hero
Out of the mouths of babes and … a child from Glasgow.

I was testing the children in my local Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to Heaven.

I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?'

'NO!' the children answered.

‘If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?'

Again, the answer was, 'NO!' By now I was starting to smile.

Hey, this was fun! 'Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all the children, and loved my wife would that get me into Heaven?'

I asked them again.

Again, they all answered, 'NO!' I was just bursting with pride for them

Well, I continued, 'then how can I get into Heaven?'

A six-year-old boy from Glasgow shouted out,

'YOU'VE GOT TAE BE FU-KIN' DEID'
 

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