Straightforward Crap Jokes! - The "I'll get me coat" Collection.

It was my brothers birthday yesterday, he’s a bomb disposal expert.

Took him 6 hours to open his present...
 

Gout Man

LE
Book Reviewer

Dwarf

LE
Of course i do, i don't speak the bastardise american version of oxford English.

Pants (n.)​

"trousers, drawers," 1840, see pantaloons. The word was limited to vulgar and commercial use at first.

I leave the broadcloth,—coats and all the rest,—
The dangerous waistcoat, called by cockneys "vest,"
The things named "pants" in certain documents,
A word not made for gentlemen, but "gents";
[Oliver Wendell Holmes, "Urania: A Rhymed Lesson," 1846]
Colloquial singular pant is attested from 1893. To wear the pants "be the dominant member of a household" is by 1931. To do something by the seat of (one's) pants "by human instinct" is from 1942, originally of pilots, perhaps with some notion of being able to sense the condition and situation of the plane by engine vibrations, etc. To be caught with (one's) pants down "discovered in an embarrassing condition" is from 1932.
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The word pants for trousers is still in general usage in and around Manchester.
 
The word pants for trousers is still in general usage in and around Manchester.
Only used ironically in the salubrious parts of Deansgate and Burnage. Otherwise it's 'kecks'

The only time I hear mush_sistser (who hails from Stockport) use the word, is in a derogatory sense. "Jesuz wept, that pizza was friggin pants"
 

tiredoldhorse

Old-Salt
I went to the pet shop and asked for twelve bees.
The guy behind the counter counted them out.
11-12-13.
I said: "You've given me one too many".
He said: "That one's a freebee".
 

Dwarf

LE
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A bloke goes to his doctor and explians he had been having a talk with his wife and she had convinced him that having a kid was the most painful experience ever. The doctor asked what the bloke wanted him to do, and the bloke said "I want you to let me experience the pain of childbirth"

The doctor thinks for a minute to two and says "I reckon I can do that, but it will take a small procedure which we can do under a local anaesthetic". The bloke agrees so the doctor tells him to drop his trousers and lie down on the bed face down. After five minutes or so the doctor announces it's all done and hands the bloke a prescription.

The bloke asks "is this for pain killers?" and the doctor says "No, its for a vindaloo three times a day for a week".

The bloke looks puzzled and asks "how will that make me experience the pain of childbirth?"

The doctor looked him in the eye and said "I've just sewn your ******** shut...."
 
Only used ironically in the salubrious parts of Deansgate and Burnage. Otherwise it's 'kecks'

The only time I hear mush_sistser (who hails from Stockport) use the word, is in a derogatory sense. "Jesuz wept, that pizza was friggin pants"
My ex sister in law, her partner and my daughters boyfriend always use it when referring to trousers. They are from the Sale/Altrincham area so perhaps its just a south not SE Manc thing?
 

Daz

LE
What is it with blind people and their ******* obsession with labradors?
 

Dwarf

LE
There's a new tribe been discovered in the African desert called the Fukawi.

They wander around all day saying "where the fuk are we"
Threy must be cousins to the ones in the Wild West Show song. 3 ft pygmies who live in 6ft elephant grass, hence their famous war-cry 'wheredefuckarewi?'
 
The police knocked on my door this morning.
“Do the letters H.B. mean anything to you?” they asked.
“No I said.”
“What about G.D. then?”
“No means nothing to me.” I said.
“How about A.J.?”
“Look,” I said “am I suspected of something?”
“No sir.” They said “These are just initial inquiries.”
 
Only used ironically in the salubrious parts of Deansgate and Burnage. Otherwise it's 'kecks'

The only time I hear mush_sistser (who hails from Stockport) use the word, is in a derogatory sense. "Jesuz wept, that pizza was friggin pants"
"For god's sake get yer pants on and let's get down the pub."

Pants in Stretford is the same as kecks. Admitedly I haven't lived there for 40+ years, but I bet it's still the same.
 
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