Straightforward Crap Jokes! - The "I'll get me coat" Collection.

Niamac

GCM
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.

"Yes, Dad, what is it?"

"Don't be nervous, son; do your best, and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife."
 

Gout Man

LE
Book Reviewer
Yesterday I went to the zoo and saw the monkeys masturbating furiously….

…then the zookeeper told me to pull my trousers up and never visit again.
I went to a zoo as well with the kids.
We saw one monkey picking up the nuts and before he ate them he popped them up his arse, one at a time up his arse, in and out and then he ate the nut.
Well I was disgusted what with all the children seeing this and so I told a keeper about him, oh yes that’s Bugsy the elder chimp, said the keeper, one day some one threw him a peach and he couldn’t shit the stone out, since then he tests each one for size.
 

tiredoldhorse

Old-Salt
For anyone who’s interested, I will be signing books in Waterstone’s Bookshop this Saturday from 9am until security notices what I’m doing and throws me out
 

tiredoldhorse

Old-Salt
Two blokes crawling through the desert on hands and knees, desperate for water. They see in the distance some striped tents and head for them. The eventually arrive at the gaily striped tents which are all pitched around a dried out oasis, on the point of dehydration. They go to the nearest tent to beg for water but are told by the owner of the tent, a denizen of the desert, that he has only sponge cake to offer.
At the next tent they are offered custard and at the third tent, raspberry jelly.
Desperate for water they continue to crawl through the dunes in the blistering heat, when one of the men mutters through cracked lips: "that last place was a trifle bizarre".
 
Two blokes crawling through the desert on hands and knees, desperate for water. They see in the distance some striped tents and head for them. The eventually arrive at the gaily striped tents which are all pitched around a dried out oasis, on the point of dehydration. They go to the nearest tent to beg for water but are told by the owner of the tent, a denizen of the desert, that he has only sponge cake to offer.
At the next tent they are offered custard and at the third tent, raspberry jelly.
Desperate for water they continue to crawl through the dunes in the blistering heat, when one of the men mutters through cracked lips: "that last place was a trifle bizarre".
or maybe a Trifle Bazaar
 

dlrg

LE
bike.jpg
 
Watched a documentary about how ships are made,
riveting
I watched one on railway accidents that blamed highly unlikely causes.

They were on the wrong track entirely.
 
Don’t know a lot about racing but some mush just gave me a couple of tips , £5 e/w on Shergar at 200/1 and the same on Red Rum at 250/1 he said do it as a double at the race in Liverpool I could win a fortune, And he only charged me 50 quid for the tip

Really nice Irish fella that races horse and carts can’t wait
 

tiredoldhorse

Old-Salt
Don’t know a lot about racing but some mush just gave me a couple of tips , £5 e/w on Shergar at 200/1 and the same on Red Rum at 250/1 he said do it as a double at the race in Liverpool I could win a fortune, And he only charged me 50 quid for the tip

Really nice Irish fella that races horse and carts can’t wait
Creosote is good over fences
 
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