Straightforward Crap Jokes! - The "I'll get me coat" Collection.

Having checked the runners and riders for next Saturday's Grand National,
My top tip is Norfolk-Enchants
And remember, you got that from the horse's mouth
 

cass

Old-Salt
Not that long ago in a local Macdonald's an old man placed an order for one hamburger, chips, and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the chips, dividing them into two piles, and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip, and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously, they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'
As the man began to eat his chips a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything..
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'
She answered
'THE TEETH'. ”
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Gout Man

LE
Book Reviewer
If a little knowledge is a dangerous thing.
At what point does knowledge become safe?
When you realise that nobody saw you and it’s best you feck off sharpish and say nothing.
 

Niamac

GCM
HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD, AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.

George Phillips, an elderly man from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.
George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked, "Is someone in your house?"

He said, "No, but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me .

Then the police dispatcher said, "All patrols are busy, you should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available"

George said, "Okay."

He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both; the dogs are eating them right now." and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
 

Dwarf

LE
A Labour Politician, A BBC TV Reporter and their British SAS Soldier Escort were captured by ISIS.
They were, as usual, sentenced to Death by Beheading.
Unexpectedly the ISIS leader granted them one last request before sentence was carried out.
The Labour Politician asked to hear a rendering of 'Keep the Red Flag Flying Here'.
The TV Reporter asked that the beheading be televised so that even when she was dead her face would still be seen on TV.
The SAS Trooper asked to be kicked three times in the arse, HARD.
As this was such an unusual request, but also the easiest, the ISIS leader decided to carry out this request first.
As the last kick landed the SAS Trooper pulled a hidden 9mm Glock pistol out of his smock and shot three terrorists dead, grabbed one of their AK47s and proceeded to slot the rest of them.
The other two prisoners were amazed, and asked why he had asked to be kicked three times before drawing his weapon.
"Because" replied the SAS Trooper " Apart from being a distraction, when we get back to the UK I don't want you f*cking pair of politically correct clowns saying it was an unprovoked attack!"
 

Gout Man

LE
Book Reviewer
The remake of the Evil Dead has triumphed at the US box office.
Featuring extreme violence and multiple gory killings, the US is made up of fifty states.

The Richard III version of this was the best:

The body of Richard III has been discovered under a car park in Leicester.
Ugly, disfigured and reviled, Leicester lies just off the M1.
 
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