Straightforward Crap Jokes! - The "I'll get me coat" Collection.

[Wightsparker]

I know. It’s one of the first jokes I recollect being told. My London born maternal uncle used it to take the piss out of my Dudley born father 50+ years ago.

My father didn’t have a particularly noticeable Black Country accent (I think he hid it) but his cousins washed their hands in a bison right up until they died.

Useful material for schoolboys. Proof that washing is bad for your health.....

 

[wrinklyone]

 

[tiredoldhorse]

Whoever said laughter is the best medicine …
Big mistake
Do not tickle someone with diarrhoea

 

[eyehave]

Was it well done? Quite rare in that medium...

In space a steak is meateor

 

[eyehave]

When you’re walking down
the lane and feel a sudden pain
diarrhoea, diarrhoea

You're getting in a state
cos' you've left it very late
diarrhoea diarrhoea

It comes out your bum
like a bullet from a gun
diarrhoea, diarrhoea

It isn’t very funny when it
comes out runny
diarrhoea, diarrhoea

For the drivers:

When you're selecting first
and your pants begin to burst
diarrhoea, diarrhoea

When you're changing into two
and your pants are filled with goo
diarrhoea, diarrhoea

When you're changing into third
and you feel a greasy turd
diarrhoea, diarrhoea

When you're driving into home
and your pants are filled with foam
diarrhoea, diarrhoea

 

[AdminVortex]

When you’re walking down
the lane and feel a sudden pain
diarrhoea, diarrhoea

You're getting in a state
cos' you've left it very late
diarrhoea diarrhoea

It comes out your bum
like a bullet from a gun
diarrhoea, diarrhoea

It isn’t very funny when it
comes out runny
diarrhoea, diarrhoea

For the drivers:

When you're selecting first
and your pants begin to burst
diarrhoea, diarrhoea

When you're changing into two
and your pants are filled with goo
diarrhoea, diarrhoea

When you're changing into third
and you feel a greasy turd
diarrhoea, diarrhoea

When you're driving into home
and your pants are filled with foam
diarrhoea, diarrhoea

I first heard that at boarding school in the 80's. It was funny then, and it's funny now, so I've given you a 'funny' not an 'old'.

 

[WolvoExPunk]

Didn't the kids sing that in the Poltergeist movie? Think the mom told them off.

 

[Unremarkable]

Useful material for schoolboys. Proof that washing is bad for your health.....

I'm not surprised; haven't you seen the horns on those beasts?

 

[Unremarkable]

In space a steak is meateor

But who wants to eat in a steakhouse there? No atmosphere!

 

[eyehave]

But who wants to eat in a steakhouse there? No atmosphere!

It’s OK if you have a party,
But you’ve got to planet

 

[tiredoldhorse]

What has one finger and is very demanding?


A ransom note

 

[Unremarkable]

It’s OK if you have a party,
But you’ve got to planet

Not a comet as you are affair, then.
Don't forget a heated cushion, or you might get a case of asteroids...

 

[dragon825]

Got ripped off yesterday, I bought an old Elvis record from the market “Wooden Leg”

I said to the stall owner, “ I thought he sang Wooden Heart?”

He said... “This is a pirate version”

I got stung by a bee yesterday......charged me £20 for a jar of honey

 

[eyehave]

Not a comet as you are affair, then.
Don't forget a heated cushion, or you might get a case of asteroids...

My piles are just swell

 

[tiredoldhorse]

My parrot broke its leg today, so I made it a splint using a matchstick.
You should have seen its little face light up when it tried to walk.

 

[eyehave]

Two parrots sitting on a perch

One of them said, “Do you smell fish?”

 

[ancienturion]

Why did the blonde take her typewriter to the doctor?
She thought it was pregnant because it missed a period.

What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
Spot.

Did you hear about the blonde that shot an arrow into the air?
She missed.

 

[Unremarkable]

Two cannibals sat eating a comedian.
One said: "Does this taste funny to you?"
The other replied: "Hmm. Well don't throw away the bones; I want to make a laughing stock".

 

[dlrg]

 

[dlrg]