Straightforward Crap Jokes! - The "I'll get me coat" Collection.

[AlienFTM]

As indeed do Conan the Barbarian and Planet of the Apes.

Ah, voici Joe le taxi...

And Thomas The Tank Engine

 

[Wightsparker]

And Thomas The Tank Engine

Except Planet of the Apes and Thomas the Tank Engine do not have middle names. Unless you count the spaces between "of" and "the" , and "The" and "Tank".

 

[AlienFTM]

Except Planet of the Apes and Thomas the Tank Engine do not have middle names. Unless you count the spaces between "of" and "the" , and "The" and "Tank".

He has two surnames like Alec Douglas Home.

 

[kiwidoug]

And Thomas The Tank Engine

Don't forget Vlad the Impaler

 

[kiwidoug]

Or even
Vlad take my name in vain and the next 30 years are in pokey Putin

 

[eyehave]

He has two surnames like Alec Douglas Home.

That would be Alec 2 Dads

 

[bobthebuilder]

Got beaten up this morning in a lift. A woman got in wearing a low cut top with a magnificent set of breast spilling out. I couldn’t help staring.

It all kicked off when she said “Will you press one please?” So I did. Can’t remember much after that.

 

[beefer]

Got beaten up this morning in a lift. A woman got in wearing a low cut top with a magnificent set of breast spilling out. I couldn’t help staring.

It all kicked off when she said “Will you press one please?” So I did. Can’t remember much after that.

A dwarf was in a lift when it stopped and a tall woman got on. After the door had closed he looked up and said “can I smell your twat?”

She replied “NO YOU CAN’T!”

To which he replied “must be your feet then”

 

[Fang_Farrier]

Got ripped off yesterday, I bought an old Elvis record from the market “Wooden Leg”

I said to the stall owner, “ I thought he sang Wooden Heart?”

He said... “This is a pirate version”

 

[olafthered]

Got ripped off yesterday, I bought an old Elvis record from the market “Wooden Leg”

I said to the stall owner, “ I thought he sang Wooden Heart?”

He said... “This is a pirate version”

You mean it was a hook y copy?

 

[eyehave]

You mean it was a hook y copy?

Lame even

 

[Fang_Farrier]

You mean it was a hook y copy?

Not a patch on the original

 

[schweik]

You mean it was a hook y copy?

Don’t be a plank

 

[mogreby]

Don’t be a plank

Parroting the same old ropey responses.

 

[Unremarkable]

Recorded by Long John Saliva; said to be the spitting image of him.

 

[ancienturion]

Admitting his 0-4 record is not impressive “on paper,” trainers announced that Lucky, a German shepherd guide dog for the blind in Wuppertal, Germany, is available for his fifth owner.

Lucky led his first owner in front of a bus, killing him.

Then he led the second off the end of a pier, drowning him.

He nudged his third owner off a railway platform in front of an express train, killing him.

And he walked his fourth owner into heavy traffic, abandoning him to be hit and killed.

The new owner won’t be told of Lucky’s record because, the trainers say, the dog might sense nervousness “and do something silly.”

 

[bobthebuilder]

I hear Tiger Woods had a good round today. He’s well under par.

 

[Fang_Farrier]

 

[Mary Hinge]

This fat ugly bird asked for my phone number this morning, so I made one up.

I feel a bit stupid now, as I don't know if my car's passed its MOT or not.

 

[CrabfatBILL]

Dr Dr ...can you castrate ?

Ay ..Janet ....but lost my license, for fishing on private waters.

CFB