Straightforward Crap Jokes! - The "I'll get me coat" Collection.

[johnboyzzz]

I was in a lift and my pal Harry came in. I asked him where he had been.
He said to me:
"I've just been in to resign from the position of Secretary of the Massey Ferguson Fan club."
He then farted.
I said"FOR FUCK SAKE HARRY, WE'RE IN A LIFT."
He said, "It's OK pal, I'm an ex Tractor Fan."

 

[Dwarf]

Do you get anxiety attacks?

Just think of the poor Jehovah's Witnesses who with confinement can't go out to knock on doors, and knowing that everyone is at home.

 

[Dwarf]

 

[Fang_Farrier]

We don’t know how lucky we are to have the jobs we have.

I had a fella decorating our house for the last three days, I got chatting to him and it turns out he is a Ryanair pilot on furlough, he is decorating now to try and pay his mortgage.

Sad times but in fairness he did a great job on the landing.

 

[Dwarf]

We don’t know how lucky we are to have the jobs we have.

I had a fella decorating our house for the last three days, I got chatting to him and it turns out he is a Ryanair pilot on furlough, he is decorating now to try and pay his mortgage.

Sad times but in fairness he did a great job on the landing.

We really, really, REALLY, need a groan button.

 

[smartascarrots]

Sad times but in fairness he did a great job on the landing.

Did he sort the sticking door? I hear he's a dab hand with a plane.

 

[Dwarf]

Did he sort the sticking door? I hear he's a dab hand with a plane.

See above.

 

[bobthebuilder]

A World War II pilot was talking to some schoolchildren about his wartime experiences.

"In 1942," he says, "the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember, " he continues, "one day I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared."

At this point, several of the children giggle.

"I looked up, and right above me was one of them. I aimed at him and shot him down. They were swarming. I immediately realized that there was another fokker behind me."

At this instant the girls in the auditorium start to giggle and boys start to laugh. The teacher stands up and says, "I think I should point out that 'Fokker' was the name of the German-Dutch aircraft company"

"That's true," says the pilot, "but these fokkers were flying Messerschmidts."

 

[dlrg]

Wasn't that one of Douglas Bader's dits?

 

[Mike Barton]

Wasn't that one of Douglas Bader's dits?

No. Stan Boardman

 

[bobthebuilder]

Wasn't that one of Douglas Bader's dits?

Older than that. Dates back to when Pontius first flew.

 

[Fang_Farrier]

 

[mogreby]

View attachment 542712

That really is a crap joke.

 

[Unremarkable]

No. Stan Boardman

Told on TV, effectively ending his career.

 

[WolvoExPunk]

After my recent negative Covid test, the NHS just called me to say my saliva, semen and sweat contain very powerful antibodies, which kill all Covid strains.
When I offered to bottle and post samples, they told me the antibodies die outside body temperature, and can only work in personal contact.
So, tell that gorgeous lass round your way to come round to me, for her free immunity dose.

 

[dlrg]

I met a beautiful young woman in a nightclub, we were getting on very well when she said she had something to confess.
She removed a wig and revealed she was totally bald.
''It's alopecia,'' she said ''but if you still like me it shouldn’t be a problem and it’s not catching''.
Well, I have always wanted to know, so I asked her straight.
''Does your condition make you bald in other places?'' I asked pulling her towards me with my arm round her waist
She whispered in my ear ''There's only one way to find out, isn’t there?''
So I released her and got my phone out to check on Google....

 

[dlrg]

I spent £2000 on a boob job for the wife, she was delighted, I spent another £1000 on a nose job for her she was ecstatic. I spent £2500 on liposuction for her, she was over the moon.


I spent £30 on a blow job for myself. She goes feckin mental...?!?!?!

 

[Fang_Farrier]

A young Scottish lad and lassie were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, and just gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin'... perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss." The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." The young man knit his brow. "Well, now," he said, "my thoughts are a bit more serious this time." "Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation. "Aye," said the lad. "Din'na ye think it's aboot time ye paid me that first penny?"

 

[johnboyzzz]

Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject?

Now you mention botox and no one raises an eyebrow

 

[johnboyzzz]

If fireworks are past their use-by date do they go off?