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Straightforward Crap Jokes! - The "I'll get me coat" Collection.

An old ex matelot walks into the local Cathedral and says to the rector, "I would like to join this f*cking church."

The astonished man replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen, damn it. I said I want to join this f*cking church!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in the house of our Lord ."

The rector leaves his desk and goes into the bishop's study to inform him of the situation. The Bishop agrees that the rector does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to his office and the Bishop asks the ex matelot,

"Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

"There is no damn problem," the ex matelot says. "I just won 5 million quid on the fecking lottery and I want to join this f*cking church to get rid of some of this fecking money."

"I see," said the Bishop, "and is this c*nt giving you a hard time?
 
Ray came home one night from a long day at work, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ray.'
Ray was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'
St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'
Ray was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'
'Not bad,' replied Ray the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'
'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'
'Never,' said Ray.
'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal. He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg - his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard.....
"Ray, wake up! You shit the bed!"
 

Fang_Farrier

LE
Kit Reviewer
Book Reviewer
I called the RSPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs."

"That's terrible," she replied. "Are they moving?"

"I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "But that would explain the suitcase."
 
How about Ferrero Rocket?
True story. Christmas 1990, night shift. I went into a bedroom shared by two residents with a care assistant on a routine check. "Ooh!" She squealed, spotting the biggest box of these delights that I have ever seen, "She's got Ferrero Rochet! Look! That one's unwrapped - I'll have it.. "
Before I could deter her from what I would consider theft, she took hold of said object and... Squish! Yup, not all that's brown is chocolate.
 
A small church had a very attractive big-breasted organist, Penny, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.
Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.
The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.
So one of the ladies approached Penny very discreetly about the problem, and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on her nipples and over her breasts.
This should cause them to shrink in size, but warned her not to taste any of the green persimmons, because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up, and you won’t be able to talk properly for a while.
The big-breasted organist reluctantly agreed to try it.
The following Sunday morning the minister Paddy, walked up to the pulpit and said, “Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday”
 

dlrg

LE
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True story. Christmas 1990, night shift. I went into a bedroom shared by two residents with a care assistant on a routine check. "Ooh!" She squealed, spotting the biggest box of these delights that I have ever seen, "She's got Ferrero Rochet! Look! That one's unwrapped - I'll have it.. "
Before I could deter her from what I would consider theft, she took hold of said object and... Squish! Yup, not all that's brown is chocolate.
A little like the woman who was always given a bag of brazil nuts by a little old lady.

Don't you like Brazil nuts?

No I only like the chocolate.
 

Fang_Farrier

LE
Kit Reviewer
Book Reviewer
I have a copy of the 1982 Radio Times if anybody wants to know what is on the BBC this Christmas
 
Paddy and Mick were playing Golf, down Essex way, when Paddy suddenly turns to Mick and says,
"I really need to take a Crap".
Mick replies, "Well Paddy, there's a Tree, go behind it and do your stuff."
Paddy looks over at the Tree and comments, "But I don't have any Toilet Paper"..?!?!?
Being a witty fellow, Mick remarks, "You have Five Pounds on you, don't you..???
"Well, use it to wipe your Arse"
Reluctantly, Paddy goes and does his stuff.
Minutes later he comes back, all covered in Crap.
Mick looks at him and asks,
"Damn Paddy, what der fuck happened to yer..??? Didn't you use the Five Pounds, like I said"..???
"Hell Yes", replies Paddy.

"But have you ever tried to Wipe your Arse, with Four Pound Coins and Two 50 Pence Pieces”.
 
I was reading a magazine in the dentist waiting room today and I was surprised to find out Ford have stopped production of the Cortina and are launching the Sierra.
 

Fang_Farrier

LE
Kit Reviewer
Book Reviewer
I was reading a magazine in the dentist waiting room today and I was surprised to find out Ford have stopped production of the Cortina and are launching the Sierra.

Sorry about that.

We had to remove the old magazines due to Covid and replace them with newer stock.
 
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