Register a free account today to become a member! Once signed in, you'll be able to participate on this site by adding your own topics and posts, as well as connect with other members through your own private inbox!
For 15 years, the Swedes thought sounds from the sea were Russian submarines invading their territory.
They regularly investigated, sending subs, boats and helicopters - at great expense - only to come up empty-handed. Upon investigation by a biologist, the noise was discovered to be farts from fish.
A young South London woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the sea but just before she could throw herself from the wharf, a handsome young man stopped her.
"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor and we are off to Australia tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day and keep you happy."
With nothing to lose and the prospect of going to Australia, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine and make love to her until dawn.
Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. "What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Australia."
"I see," the captain says.
Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Woolwich ferry."
A Young Lady came home, very Sad from a Date.
She told her mother "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago"..
"Then why are you Sad..?" her Mother asked.
"Because he's an Atheist. Mom, he says he doesn't even believe there's such a thing as a HELL.."..?!?!?
Mother: "So What..??
"Marry him anyway. Because between the 2 of us, we'll show him how fecking Wrong he is..!"
I went down to the Patent Office trying to register some of my inventions earlier today.
I walked up to the main desk to sign in and the lady pulled out a form to fill out.
She asked for my personal info, wrote it down and then asked me what I had invented.
I said, 'A folding bottle.'
She said, 'Okay. What do you call it?'
'What else do you have there?'
'A folding carton.'
'OK, what do you call it?'
She chuckled and said, 'Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds a bit crude.'
I was so upset by her comment I grabbed the form and left the office without even telling her about my folding bucket...
One day an old lady went to the doctors because she had an itch in her crotch:
She told the doctor her problem and he said.
"You have the crabs."
She informed the doctor that it could not be the crabs because she was an eighty year old virgin.
She went to another doctor and explained her
problem to him.
The doctor said. "You probably have the crabs."
"No." She said. "I am an eighty year old virgin."
Frustrated, she went to a third doctor.
She said. "Doctor can you help me? I have an itch in my crotch. Don't tell me that it is the crabs because I am an eighty year old virgin.
It can not be the crabs."
The doctor said. "Jump on the table and let's have a look."
After examining the doctor proclaimed.
"Ma'am, your right, you do not have the crabs,
this cherry is so old, you have fruit flies."
At the dinner table last night, my missus said "I've made you a special dessert, I've called it "Electric Pudding", do you want some"?
So I tried it and she was spot on, it was full of currants and fucking shocking.
Ghislaine Maxwell has been allowed to brighten up her cell with a few pictures of her loved ones. So she asked the guards for a picture of her beloved father Robert and her former beau Jeffrey Epstein.
The guard brought her a newspaper cutting with a picture of her father and a framed picture of Epstein. She gazed lovingly at the picture of Jeffrey asked the guard to help her put it up. The guard replied,
“Just leave it on the floor overnight and it’ll hang itself. Oh, and don’t stick the one of your Dad over the sink. It will fall in”.