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Straightforward Crap Jokes! - The "I'll get me coat" Collection.

For 15 years, the Swedes thought sounds from the sea were Russian submarines invading their territory.
They regularly investigated, sending subs, boats and helicopters - at great expense - only to come up empty-handed. Upon investigation by a biologist, the noise was discovered to be farts from fish.

It seems the Swedes were having herring problems.
I accidentally played dad instead of dead when the bear attacked... it can ride a bike without stabilisers.
A young South London woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the sea but just before she could throw herself from the wharf, a handsome young man stopped her.
"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor and we are off to Australia tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose and the prospect of going to Australia, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine and make love to her until dawn.

Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. "What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Australia."
"I see," the captain says.

Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Woolwich ferry."


What's the difference between a slob on a bicycle and a well dressed man on a unicycle?



Girl goes to the chemists and asks if they sell condoms.

"Yes, what brand do you want ?"

Girl says "Not sure, they are for my new boyfriend"

"Well, we have a variety pack... different sizes, colors, and styles"

Girl: "That'll work"

Couple of months later she goes back to the chemist and asks if they sell maternity bras.

Chemist asked "Yes, what size bust ?"

Girl: "The large green one did"
A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks
over at him and asks the question

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married Again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do.."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? "
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house.."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?
HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."

WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

A Young Lady came home, very Sad from a Date.
She told her mother "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago"..
"Then why are you Sad..?" her Mother asked.
"Because he's an Atheist. Mom, he says he doesn't even believe there's such a thing as a HELL.."..?!?!?
Mother: "So What..??
"Marry him anyway. Because between the 2 of us, we'll show him how fecking Wrong he is..!"
I went down to the Patent Office trying to register some of my inventions earlier today.
I walked up to the main desk to sign in and the lady pulled out a form to fill out.
She asked for my personal info, wrote it down and then asked me what I had invented.
I said, 'A folding bottle.'
She said, 'Okay. What do you call it?'
'A fottle.'
'What else do you have there?'
'A folding carton.'
'OK, what do you call it?'
'A farton.'
She chuckled and said, 'Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds a bit crude.'
I was so upset by her comment I grabbed the form and left the office without even telling her about my folding bucket...


Book Reviewer
Geordie with a speech impediment. Finds a pocket alarm clock. Passer by asks what he's found. "Found a cock."

He pockets the alarm clock and walks on until he finds a bucket, which he carries with him as he goes to Greggs and buys a bun for his lunch. Counter assistant asks what he's carrying. "A fucket."

As he steps out of Greggs, a passer-by asks if he has the time. He replies,

"Can you hold me bum and fucket while I get my cock out?"

Sorry, I can't tell that joke. Primary school and the 1960s want their joke back.
One day an old lady went to the doctors because she had an itch in her crotch:
She told the doctor her problem and he said.
"You have the crabs."
She informed the doctor that it could not be the crabs because she was an eighty year old virgin.
She went to another doctor and explained her
problem to him.
The doctor said. "You probably have the crabs."
"No." She said. "I am an eighty year old virgin."
Frustrated, she went to a third doctor.
She said. "Doctor can you help me? I have an itch in my crotch. Don't tell me that it is the crabs because I am an eighty year old virgin.
It can not be the crabs."
The doctor said. "Jump on the table and let's have a look."
After examining the doctor proclaimed.
"Ma'am, your right, you do not have the crabs,
this cherry is so old, you have fruit flies."
I asked my lawyer "how much do you charge?"
He said "£100 for 3 questions."
"Isn't that a bit steep?" I said?
"Yes. What's your third question?"
At the dinner table last night, my missus said "I've made you a special dessert, I've called it "Electric Pudding", do you want some"?
So I tried it and she was spot on, it was full of currants and fucking shocking.
I was in the pub last night telling my mate the joke about what would you do if an epileptic has a fit in the bath - throw the washing in...

However, the bloke on the next table said "my brother was epileptic and died in the bath"
Fuck me! Embarrassed! So to ease the tension I said " sorry to hear that. Did he drown?"

"No. He choked on a sock"
I asked my lawyer "how much do you charge?"
He said "£100 for 3 questions."
"Isn't that a bit steep?" I said?
"Yes. What's your third question?"
The thing is, you're not joking.
Feckin' lawyers.
Ghislaine Maxwell has been allowed to brighten up her cell with a few pictures of her loved ones. So she asked the guards for a picture of her beloved father Robert and her former beau Jeffrey Epstein.

The guard brought her a newspaper cutting with a picture of her father and a framed picture of Epstein. She gazed lovingly at the picture of Jeffrey asked the guard to help her put it up. The guard replied,

“Just leave it on the floor overnight and it’ll hang itself. Oh, and don’t stick the one of your Dad over the sink. It will fall in”.

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