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Paddy is going really well on Who Wants to be a Millionaire. He's got to £125,000 with all his lifelines.
Chris: OK Paddy, for £250,000 which of the following was one of the Great Train Robbers was it:
Take your time
Paddy: I'll take the money Chris
Chris: Are you sure, you've still got 3 lifelines
Paddy: I'm sure Chris,I'll take the money
Chris: OK audience give him a big round of applause, but before you go Paddy I'm sure you'd like to know the answer.
Paddy: I know the answer Chris.
Chris: You know the answer? You've just turned down a quarter of a million quid, are you mad? are you mental?
Paddy: I may be mental Chris but I'm no grass.
I went into Boots the Chemists.
And upon seeing they had NO Hand-Gel.
So I asked the Lady,
"What's a good substitute for Anti-Bac Gel"..??
She replied, "Ammonia Cleaner"..
So I said, "Oh, so sorry to bother you , I thought you were the Shop Assistant".
A Muslim couple, preparing for their wedding, meet the Mullah for counselling. He asks if they have any last questions before the ceremony
The man asks, "We realise it's a tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women But, at our wedding reception, we'd like your permission to dance together."
"Absolutely not," says the Mullah. "It's immoral. Men and women always dance separately."
"So, after the ceremony, I can't even dance with my own wife?" says the man.
"No," answered the Mullah, "It's forbidden in Islam."
"Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?"
"Of course!" replies the Mullah, "Sex is OK within marriage, to have children!"
"What about different positions?" asks the man.
"No problem," says the Mullah.
"Woman on top?"
"Sure," says the Mullah. "Go for it!"
"On the kitchen table?" "Yes, yes!"
"Can I do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, leather harnesses, a bucket of honey and a porn video?"
"You may indeed!"
"Can we do it standing up?"
"Absolutely not!" says the Mullah."
"Why not?" asks the man.
"It could lead to dancing"