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Straightforward Crap Jokes! - The "I'll get me coat" Collection.

dlrg

LE
I hired a Handyman and I gave him a list of five things to do. When I got home he had done all of them except no. 2 and no. 4.

Turns out he is an Odd Job Man.
 
A woman walks into a Newcastle hairdresser's and asks "Can I have a perm please?"

"Aye, nee problem pet" says the hairdresser. "Ah wandered lernley as a clood....."
 
I tried to join the Explorers Club but they don’t tell you where it is!
 

dlrg

LE
1605786090905.png
 

AlienFTM

MIA
Book Reviewer
I usually use this ⬆ to follow this ⬇

Man walks into pet shop on his way home to his always-critical wife. Sees a pair of ferrets. Buys them. Takes them home.

Wife sees them. "What the fúck did you buy those for?"

"So you can teach them to cook and wash up. Then you can fúck off."
 
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My Uber driver said he occasionally made some money stuffing animals.
I thought,
“He must be a part time taxi-dermist”.
 
"I've shaved my pubes if you fancy a bit?" My wife asked seductively.

"Yeah, give us a bag full, I'll insulate the loft." I replied
 
Paddy is going really well on Who Wants to be a Millionaire. He's got to £125,000 with all his lifelines.
Chris: OK Paddy, for £250,000 which of the following was one of the Great Train Robbers was it:
Ronnie Biggs
Ronnie O'Sullivan
Ronnie Corbett
Ronnie Wood
Take your time
Paddy: I'll take the money Chris
Chris: Are you sure, you've still got 3 lifelines
Paddy: I'm sure Chris,I'll take the money
Chris: OK audience give him a big round of applause, but before you go Paddy I'm sure you'd like to know the answer.
Paddy: I know the answer Chris.
Chris: You know the answer? You've just turned down a quarter of a million quid, are you mad? are you mental?
Paddy: I may be mental Chris but I'm no grass.
 
I’ve recently quit my job at the Cadbury’s factory where I was putting fudge bars into boxes. I couldn’t stand the abuse I was getting from my mates.

“here comes the fudge packer” said one as I walked into the pub. Another one yelled “hey up he’s packing fudge”

So now I’m starting a new job in a posh tailors making sure the shelves are kept full. Basically I’ll be lifting boxes of shirts all day.

I’m hoping the abuse will stop.
 
"Hurry up, I've got a turtles head poking out my arse!”, isn't the wisest thing to say to Australian customs officers.
 
Two scousers are in a posh restaurant and one says, "I'm gonna order the venison".
His mate says, "Don't order dat it's dead deer, you should have mutton like me, dat's dead sheep!"
 
I went into Boots the Chemists.
And upon seeing they had NO Hand-Gel.
So I asked the Lady,
"What's a good substitute for Anti-Bac Gel"..??
She replied, "Ammonia Cleaner"..
So I said, "Oh, so sorry to bother you , I thought you were the Shop Assistant".
 
A Muslim couple, preparing for their wedding, meet the Mullah for counselling. He asks if they have any last questions before the ceremony
The man asks, "We realise it's a tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women But, at our wedding reception, we'd like your permission to dance together."
"Absolutely not," says the Mullah. "It's immoral. Men and women always dance separately."
"So, after the ceremony, I can't even dance with my own wife?" says the man.
"No," answered the Mullah, "It's forbidden in Islam."
"Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?"
"Of course!" replies the Mullah, "Sex is OK within marriage, to have children!"
"What about different positions?" asks the man.
"No problem," says the Mullah.
"Woman on top?"
"Sure," says the Mullah. "Go for it!"
"Doggy style?"
"Sure!"
"On the kitchen table?" "Yes, yes!"
"Can I do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, leather harnesses, a bucket of honey and a porn video?"
"You may indeed!"
"Can we do it standing up?"
"Absolutely not!" says the Mullah."
"Why not?" asks the man.
"It could lead to dancing"
 
My Muslim neighbour has gone up to Newcastle to join a Britpop tribute band.

Probably gone to join Why-eye-sis.

(Bloody hell, even I'm groaning at this)
 
Whenever I meet new people at a party, I struggle to know what to talk about. A mate suggested I try starting a conversation about movies, because everyone loves a good film.

So I’ve started talking about that film with Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio. But it’s not really helping.

The Titanic is a terrible ice breaker.
 

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