Straightforward Crap Jokes! - The "I'll get me coat" Collection.

[bobthebuilder]

Three dinosaurs were out hunting together when they came across a lamp. Out popped a genie who gave them a wish each.

The first one wishes that it would rain sausages. A lo, the three dinosaurs find themselves in a storm of sausages.

The second dinosaur thinks for a while and, to outdo his friend, asks for it to rain steaks. And so, they find themselves bombarded with steaks of all kinds.

The third dinosaur thinks really hard because he really wants to outdo the other two. After a while, his face broadens into a grin and he says,

“I’d like a meatier shower”

 

[NSP]

The first one wishes that it would rain sausages. A lo, the three dinosaurs find themselves in a storm of sausages.

More than one...? Blasphemy!!!!

 

[Fang_Farrier]

 

[Fang_Farrier]

 

[retread2]

Apparently President Trump has just reduced the trade tariffs on Parmesan and other Italian hard cheeses.

He wants to make America grate again.

 

[Joker62]

So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest, kind of pissed off because he doesn't want to be yellow. Life would be easier if he was brown or green like the other toads. He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing:

Any way, this yellow toad bumps into a Fairy Godmother, like you do, and he begs her....
"Fairy Godmother please make me green like the other toads. I am tired of being so visible to predators and such."

The Fairy Godmother whips out her magic wand and says. "Abracapokus! You're green."

The toad looks down and sees that he is green except for his package, which is still yellow.

He says to the Fairy Godmother. "Wait a minute, my meat and two veg are still yellow."

To this the Fairy Godmother said. "I don't do willies, go and see the Wizard Of Oz for that.

The toad thanks her and hops off on his way.

There also happens to be a purple bear wandering around in the very same forest, must be one of them enchanted forests and he encounters the very same Fairy Godmother.

He implores her....
"Fairy Godmother, please make me brown like the other bears. None of the lady bears want to be seen with me on account of the hunters can spot me from a mile off."

She being a nice Fairy Godmother, takes out her magic wand and says. "You're brown."

The bear looks down and sees that he is, in fact, brown with the exception of the old twig and berries, they remain purple.

He says. "What about my wedding tackle, they're still purple!

She says. "I don't do genitals, you will have to see the Wizard of Oz for that."

To this the bear replies. "Well that's just dandy but how do I find the Wizard of Oz?"

The Fairy Godmother answers. "That's easy, just follow the yellow prick toad."

I’ll get my coat

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[A signaller]

So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest, kind of pissed off because he doesn't want to be yellow. Life would be easier if he was brown or green like the other toads. He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing:

Any way, this yellow toad bumps into a Fairy Godmother, like you do, and he begs her....
"Fairy Godmother please make me green like the other toads. I am tired of being so visible to predators and such."

The Fairy Godmother whips out her magic wand and says. "Abracapokus! You're green."

The toad looks down and sees that he is green except for his package, which is still yellow.

He says to the Fairy Godmother. "Wait a minute, my meat and two veg are still yellow."

To this the Fairy Godmother said. "I don't do willies, go and see the Wizard Of Oz for that.

The toad thanks her and hops off on his way.

There also happens to be a purple bear wandering around in the very same forest, must be one of them enchanted forests and he encounters the very same Fairy Godmother.

He implores her....
"Fairy Godmother, please make me brown like the other bears. None of the lady bears want to be seen with me on account of the hunters can spot me from a mile off."

She being a nice Fairy Godmother, takes out her magic wand and says. "You're brown."

The bear looks down and sees that he is, in fact, brown with the exception of the old twig and berries, they remain purple.

He says. "What about my wedding tackle, they're still purple!

She says. "I don't do genitals, you will have to see the Wizard of Oz for that."

To this the bear replies. "Well that's just dandy but how do I find the Wizard of Oz?"

The Fairy Godmother answers. "That's easy, just follow the yellow prick toad."

I’ll get my coat

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That made me chuckle, especially as its wet and cold, and we are all now confined to barracks. Thanks!

 

[Mary Hinge]

A magician I know broke up with his girlfriend because he found someone else's coin behind her ear.

 

[wrinklyone]

I was making love to the missus the other day. She said, "You're taking a long time." I said, "I can't think of anyone!"

 

[bobthebuilder]

I can understand why the EU don’t trust Boris to stuck to the withdrawal agreement. Last time he made a withdrawal agreement he ignored it too. And Carrie got pregnant.

 

[dlrg]

 

[ancienturion]

Farmer John had just walked into the local watering hole, when who should he see, but his old friend Chris the tractor salesman sitting up at the bar. Chris looked so down and dejected, that John just had to go up and say something to him.
“Say, Chris, how ya doing? How’s the tractor selling business these days?”
If Chris had looked sad before, at the mention of tractor sales, his face sank even more, and a tear came to his eye.
“John,” he said, shaking his head, “I don’t know what it is. I can’t sell a tractor these days to save my life. I’ll tell you, I just gotta sell one tractor and soon, or else I’ll lose that dealership for good.”
“Well,” John said, taking the barstool next to him, “If you think you got it bad, I got it worse. Now you listen to this…”

“I went out to the barn the other morning to milk Bessy. That ol’ cow gets more ornery as the years go by.
Anyway, no sooner did I sit down on the milking stool and get to work, but ol’ Bessy starts a slappin’ me with her tail.
After a minute or so, I got fed up with it, so I threw a rope up over the rafters, and tied ol’ Bessy’s tail to the rafters. Then I got back to work.
I didn’t even get two squirts into the bucket, when Bessy gives me a kick. Knocked me clean off the stool! Boy, did that upset me! So I get me another rope an’ tie Bessy’s right hind leg to the side of the milking stall, and get a started trying to milk her again.
Well by this time, Bessy’s about livid, and she doesn’t want any part of it, so she let’s me have it with her other hind leg. I wasn’t about to give in to this ol’ cow, so I got me yet another piece of rope and tied up Bessy’s left leg to the other side of the stall.”
Just then John paused to take a sip his beer.
Chris, distracted for a Moment from his own troubles, asked John, “Well, did you finally get to milk her?”
“Well, yes and no, Chris. But I’ll tell ya what… If you can convince my wife that I was out there to MILK that cow, I’ll BUY a tractor from ya..!”

 

[bobthebuilder]

What do you call a frustrated lesbian?
.
.
.
.
Mrs Cox

 

[ExAuxBalloonCorps]

Biden/Trump (delete where applicable)

 

[Mary Hinge]

A Policeman called at my door last night with a photo of a missing man.. "we're looking for this man, he's a Jehovah's Witness who lost both arms in an accident."

I replied..."I haven't seen him officer but his face rings a bell."

 

[beefer]

What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?








A carrot

 

[Ryder02]

View attachment 517504

Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell REALLY crap jokes about being on the moon, the moon, etc.

When they garnered only the most polite of chuckles he’d comment “well I guess you had to be there...”


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[wrinklyone]

I was taking a shit in the train toilet this morning . When some guy knocked on the door
He said, “can I see your ticket please?”
“Not right now” I shouted, “I’m taking a shit”
He said, I don’t believe you, can you pass it under the door?
“No problem” I said, sliding it under, “The yellow bits are Sweetcorn.”

 

[Mary Hinge]

Be careful if you're thinking of getting a rescue cat. My nan had one...

...She slipped and fell one day and the cat literally sat there and did fuck all.

 

[Fang_Farrier]

The kids keep laughing at my failing memory but they won't be laughing at Christmas when there's no eggs under the bonfire.