Straightforward Crap Jokes! - The "I'll get me coat" Collection.

[wrinklyone]

Little help here lads.
She sent me out for a baby monitor,
But I can only find iguanas.
Is this a good substitute?

 

[wrinklyone]

School rang me today and said my lad has been telling lies.
I replied, “ well tell him he’s very good at it cus I haven’t got any kids”.

 

[Mary Hinge]

I was shagging this girl from Barnsley, weird thing was as l was pumping away she kept shouting out the name of some cartoon Belgian detective.

Tin Tin! ....Tin Tin!

 

[bobthebuilder]

I always masturbate in front of the TV with the volume turned right down.

The last thing I want is for people to know I'm watching Animal Hospital.

Been on Sickepedia today?

 

[Mary Hinge]

Been on Sickepedia today?

But of course!

 

[Mary Hinge]

Find a penny,
Pick it up,
And all day long
You'll have good luck.*


*Advice not valid in HMP showers

 

[beefer]

Find a penny,
Pick it up,
And all day long
You'll have good luck.*


*Advice not valid in HMP showers

Find a pin
And pick it up
And all day long
You’ll have a pin

 

[ancienturion]

With all the new technology regarding fertility, a 75 year old woman gave birth to a baby.
When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit.

"May we see the new baby?" one asked.
"Not yet" said the 75 year old mother, "but soon."

Thirty minutes passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"
"Not yet" said the mother.

After another few minutes had elapsed, they again asked, "May we see the baby now?"
"No", replied the mother.

Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when CAN we see the baby?"
"WHEN IT CRIES", she told them.

"WHEN IT CRIES??", they demanded. "Why do we have to wait until it CRIES??."
"BECAUSE...because I forgot where I put it."

 

[wrinklyone]

 

[bobthebuilder]

A bloke walks in to the pub and buys a pint, sits down at a table and takes a sip. He then gets up and heads for a piss.

While he’s out, a statuesque black woman calmly walks up to the table and drops her guts on the beer.

When the bloke comes out of the toilet, the barman calls him over, points out the woman and tells him what she did.

The bloke storms over to the woman’s table and asks her “You fart in my Whitbread?”

The woman replies “you’ve got the wrong javelin thrower. I’m Tessa Sanderson”

 

[aardvark64]

99 old but memorable 'Mummy' jokes...

95?

 

[Mary Hinge]

My kids threw up after I told them I'd put Ginger in the curry.

They loved that cat.

 

[don't tell him pike]

On BBC tonight, worth watching

2 guys from the Wuhan research centre, where Trump suspects it was engineered, were due to get on Flight MH370 that miraculously disappeared.
Seems they were the guys behind the development of the new strain, and intending to use it as a weapon, someone caught wind of their plans and purposefully downed the plane. Neither of them got on the flight though. It’s really interesting. Have a look for it on iplayer, it's called two wongs don't make a flight

 

[bob_the_bomb]

On BBC tonight, worth watching

2 guys from the Wuhan research centre, where Trump suspects it was engineered, were due to get on Flight MH370 that miraculously disappeared.
Seems they were the guys behind the development of the new strain, and intending to use it as a weapon, someone caught wind of their plans and purposefully downed the plane. Neither of them got on the flight though. It’s really interesting. Have a look for it on iplayer, it's called two wongs don't make a flight

Careful.

Some of our resident conspiraloons will believe you...

 

[Dwarf]

Careful.

Some of our resident conspiraloons will believe you...

I believe him. New leaked information shows the bombs were in the starboard wing to be triggered when they rang one of the phones of the two men.
But unfortunately they had accidentally keyed in the number of another passenger called Mr Wong. He received a business call during the flight and the plane went down.
It only goes to show that embarrassing situations can occur if you wing the wong number.

 

[NSP]

Careful.

Some of our resident conspiraloons will believe you...

Ipso facto this is true.

By the by, there was excitment early in the search when it was announced that one of the wings had been found.

Mr. and Mrs. Wing were to be sadly disappointed.

 

[NSP]

How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizza?



Deep pan, crisp and even.

 

[beefer]

Rang out for a pizza the other night and ordered a thin and crusty supreme. Half an hour later the door bell rang and Dianna Ross was stood on my door step.

 

[dlrg]

Courtesy - janner. Rum Ration

 

[dlrg]