Stories to help veterans

#1
Fellow Arrsers.


Following advice from the MODs this is a re-post. So what is it about?
Simple, like me, I want contributions of funny stories with a military flavour, and some from the Crabs as well, which I will combine into a book and proceeds to either:
Combat Stress.
A centre/help-line manned by ex-soldiers.
A possible Rest Centre in Catalonia.

I now have on board The Chief Crisis Psychologist who works for the Catalan Provincial Government. He is ex-police, down-to-earth and switched-on, with contacts in the UK to enable us to set-up a help-line. As an advisor on the practical problems with working with people he is invaluable.

I have already received some response from various people, and the first and longest was from a Matelot of all people and I now have enough for a submariners section.
So come on and get contributing, or do you all lead totally boring lives?

Here is the original post.


Fellow Arrsers.
I have recently noted lots of complaints on this site about the (mainly non-existent) help given to our returning veterans, and think I/we may be able to help a bit. Instead of moaning let’s set about helping each other, who better to do it? Taking into account the fact that if you put two British Soldiers together before long one will make the other laugh, I have come up with an idea.
Simply put I am asking you to contribute funny stories which I will then put together as a book, proceeds to be used to help veterans.
The book will be titled, 'Huh Bet Mine Doesn't Fit'. See below.

A comment from a fellow arrser: I’ll be honest with you, I like your idea and why not do it, there must be hundreds of thousands of stories out there waiting to be told, some humorous, some hilarious, some reflective and some more serious and I feel that they should be told if people are willing to tell them.

My initial idea was to set up a help-line/ centre manned by people who know, though it has been suggested that I set up a centre out here (Catalonia) to allow veterans to come and rest perhaps working with Combat Stress. It all depends on sales, if it doesn't take off then proceeds to Combat Stress, if it does then the idea can be expanded to include subscriptions and donations.
I am writing to Frederick Forsyth and Max Hastings who are squaddie friendly for help in publishers, if you have practical ideas on any aspect then let me know. If it works great, if not then I/we tried, I would prefer to try and fail rather than not do anything.

What am I looking for?
Well amusing stories that will make you laugh, from any situation; barracks, action, exercise, it doesn't matter. Past or present, stories from WW2, Borneo, Falklands, Iraq, Germany, Ireland, times in between, get a friend or relation to contribute.

Stories will be chosen on merit and put into relevant chapters.

Swearing will be tolerated though may be cleaned up a bit, if Spike Milligan can use the F word then so can we. Probably.

Stories may be edited slightly for spelling, grammar, and so on.

Names and units are not necessary but often preferable. If you don't mind them coming out then PM me or use my e-mail, you can also post them but PM your data. Otherwise you can retain anonymity though I may use your arrse name.

I will be contacting other sources, such as Legion magazine, if you have an idea tell me.

OK, I include a couple of ideas to give a taste, though I am still trying to work out if I should include the one about my brother accidentally crapping on the barrel of his smg.



*****************************************************************************************************************
The title comes from when I heard possibly the most intelligent comment ever made on the military.
Out in Germany on exercise we were in the final hours before endex, everything that was going to happen had done so, and nothing was going on. I got back to my Platoon HQ from Company HQ to see the Platoon HQ lads looking hugely depressed.
Quick, say something to raise morale, I thought. “ Cheer up lads, the OC has told me we are all getting issued with individual women”
The reply was instantaneous without changing expression.
“ Huh bet mine doesn’t fit”.

Secondly A Fusilier CSM told me this from when he was in West Berlin during the Cold War.
He was having a quiet beer in his house with his visiting brother-in-law when they got a surprise readiness alert, which regularly happened in those days. As he sprinted round getting his kit on his wife explained to her brother that this was in case Ivan came to pay a visit.
“ So what happens if it is real?” he asked.
“ Then I hang my knickers on the banister and go and lie on the bed” she said.
As The CSM went out the door cramming his helmet onto his head he heard the brother-in-law asking out loud
“ Has anyone got any Vaseline?”


I have just noticed that mine both involve women/sex in some way, lets have some variety lads.

Thanks
Dwarf
_________________
 
#2
Beat me to it, I was going to do a modern take of the 'Don't Cry For Me Sgt Major' using the much more hilarious stories you will find throughout the pages of ARRSE, I'm surprised the MOD's haven't done this themselves! call it the classic "Swing The Lantern and Pull up a Sandbag" properly marketed it will make the author a bledy millionaire!!!

The Don't Cry for me series were good but some of the stories weren't that good and were obvious 'fillers' the books were not very big either, you could quadruple the pages they used quite easily with much funnier stuff you will find on ARRSE.


Good Luck you jammy Git :D
 
#3
Going on from Gundulphs idea...Why not simply produce an ARRSE book of stories from the archives? They've all been given freely to ARRSE, and I'm sure the contributors will be delighted to see their stories raise money for such a good cause.
Get it out in time for Christmas and raise the profile of ARRSE and help ex-service personel - a winner.
 
#4
hansvonhealing said:
Going on from Gundulphs idea...Why not simply produce an ARRSE book of stories from the archives? They've all been given freely to ARRSE, and I'm sure the contributors will be delighted to see their stories raise money for such a good cause.
Get it out in time for Christmas and raise the profile of ARRSE and help ex-service personel - a winner.

There are that many people know about the ARRSE Site now that it would be a Best Seller in days! how GOOD would THAT be?!!! Bad and Good CO's whats the chance of inviting a 'Ghost Writer' to sit down and peruse the Site and make a book from it?! Jobs a Good Un well suggested hansvonhealing...
 
#6
hansvonhealing said:
Going on from Gundulphs idea...Why not simply produce an ARRSE book of stories from the archives? They've all been given freely to ARRSE, and I'm sure the contributors will be delighted to see their stories raise money for such a good cause.
Get it out in time for Christmas and raise the profile of ARRSE and help ex-service personel - a winner.
I'm sure nobody would mind but a word of caution.

There is however something called “Intellectual property”. This means that because it was created by you, it is your property.
 
#7
mistersoft said:
There is however something called “Intellectual property”. This means that because it was created by you, it is your property.
Could that not be covered by a thread asking for people to contact who ever takes on the mammoth task of reading the threads for the material to contact them if they object to anything they have written on here NOT to be included in the book ...... for example if RTFQ decided he didn't want his stories about little RTFQ to appear he could contact the relevant parties and let them know.

RTFQ - used that as an example as they stuck in my mind!
 
#8
Simple courtesy and common sense should suffice but I don't think that stuff can be just lifted off the site without first checking with the author of said piece.

I'm not a lawyer but it does need to be checked first before natural exuberance takes over closely followed by a possible court case.
 
#10
I would have thought that when people actively contribute their writings to a forum such as this that they are basically giving their stories/opinions to the public and hence don't actually have any ownership/rights to them unless they took out individual copyrights on their subject matter each and every time they placed a message? I am probably way, way wrong here though!?
 
#11
I'm sure the 'Powers that be' on ARRSE will check the legal situation thoroughly before going ahead with any proposed book. Anyway, I find it difficult to believe that any of the upstanding members of ARRSE would not be delighted to see their prose in print - who here would object to helping such a good cause? Speak now...
 
#13
That's gonna be an absolutely mammoth task. Since I earn my living with languages, I'd certainly volunteer to become part of a team scouring the threads for likely material, cleaning it up grammatically (should that be necessary) and arranging it syntactically so that it reads well.

There would probably be a need for at least about a half-dozen bods on this, divvying up the thread pages between them and getting in touch with the original authors to make sure they agree to publication.

I reckon it's a fückin' marvellous idea and well done to the creators.

MsG
 
#14
And that's exactly what I meant by natural exuberance. I bothered to check but I wonder how many others did. How accurate is was remains to be seen but at least I spent some time trying to check.

There is also the possible case of those who already have material at publishers and while said publishers might just wipe their arrses with it, the choice of where any written material goes should remain with the author.

I have no problems with anything from ARRSE being lifted and used in a good cause but I for one think the author should be asked FIRST and I don't think that moral blackmail is the ideal route to go down.
 
#15
mistersoft said:
And that's exactly what I meant by natural exuberance. I bothered to check but I wonder how many others did. How accurate is was remains to be seen but at least I bothered.

There is also the possible case of those who already have material at publishers and while said publishers might just wipe their arrses with it, the choice of where any written material goes should remain with the author.

I have no problems with anything from ARRSE being lifted and used in a good cause but I for one think the author should be asked FIRST and I don't think that moral blackmail is the ideal route to go down.
Am I missing something here, mistersoft? As far as I'm concerned, the very first step would be to ask the originator for permission to publish. A simple and obligatory exercise. If said originator says "Nay", then so be it. Nobody should have to give a reason why not. Thus I'm a little bit perplexed by the "moral blackmail" aspect you mention. However, as I stated at the beginning, I might be missing/have missed something.

MsG
 
#16
Gundulph said:
I would have thought that when people actively contribute their writings to a forum such as this that they are basically giving their stories/opinions to the public and hence don't actually have any ownership/rights to them unless they took out individual copyrights on their subject matter each and every time they placed a message? I am probably way, way wrong here though!?
Despite what I found out myself BY LOOKING, we still get this.

Natural exuberance and I'm being very polite here.
 
#17
Thanks for all that, and yes if I find a story my intention was and is to ask first before using. Nobody will be included without his/her say so.
Now can we have some stories please you lot.
Surely you must have at least one.
 
#18
Thanks for that Dwarf and apologies Gundulph for being a crotchety barsteward but I've already had some of my stuff plagiarized. A great deal of time and effort was spent sorting that out.


It also brought tears to my eyes and I now have to sit on a special cushion.
 
#19
Most prolific so far, one from the Navy and one from the RAF.
This site frequently has me in stitches, don't be reticent, it's time to help ourselves.
 

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