Stinking rotten farts

I may have told this story once before on these hallowed pages, but I spent several years working in a laboratory, where we would often have a team of two or three working in the same room, while wearing powered respirators a bit like this:


The filters attached were for dust only, with a very slight carbon screen, definitely of no use against gases, vapours or odours. The position of the filter and battery pack meant that after a night on the beer you had to be extremely cautious of friendly fire - however by guffing right behind someone you could have an entire pocket of foul air dragged straight into the filter and turbo boosted right into their face and lungs.

Much hilarity ensued.

The crowning glory of this being the New Years day that ‘big frank’ inhaled a turbo air biscuit (I forget now if it was his own or someone else’s) that was so vile he threw up in his mask, and all we could see were his eyes as he ran to the door with vomit dribbling out the drain holes
Why is it when you fart, you're a dirty Kunt, but when the leader of the opposition (aka Mrs Smeg) farts, she just giggles while you're retching on the floor! Honestly, if farts were coloured, hers would be Khaki Drab! Only our dog can fart worse than her.
We've been working through a glut of runner beans for the last week or more during which time SWMBO has been dropping absolutely foul ones. Although, as above, our older dog can stop a clock with a good one.

Beans seem to have the other effect with me and the morning constitutional comes out like a Wombat practice round.


Six months ago I started some real long and loud not to mention smelly ones, better even than a cordite eruption after a week on the ranges firing 76mm. I eat healthy my only vice was a small glass of whisky each evening. Farts got louder, smellier and more frequent followed by much people dashing of porcelain. 0A made appointment at the doctors and marched me down, a month later and a few tests diagnosed coeliac. Placed on gluten free diet (like eating cardboard) Still, one good thing, whisky is gluten free. Farts are still long and loud but not quite so smelly.


I've just weaned myself of solpadene and it's like unplugging a sewer! The new site office khazi doesn't have an extractor fan and it often blows back into the main office like the honey wagon has followed me!

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