Stand Up Comedy One Liners

Discussion in 'Miscellaneous Jokes' started by Civvy-Ginge, Sep 13, 2010.

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  1. * Ann Widdecombe says she's a virgin for religious reasons.
    The reason being that God made her incredibly ugly.

    (Frankie Boyle)

    * Know who I blame for the rise of drugs in schools? The supply teachers.

    (Jimmy Carr)

    * How many Tunisians does it take to change a lightbulb? Twenty, no 18,
    for you sir 16, OK 15 - is good lightbulb.

    (Ed Byrne)

    * I hired an odd-job man.
    He was useless. Gave him a list of 8 things to do and he only did numbers 1, 3, 5 and 7.

    (Stephen Grant)

    * My girlfriend's just had a little boy. It's a miracle!
    To think that my sperm would join together with her egg! I mean, I only came on her tits.

    (Simon Brodkin)

    * I've been doing DIY for this woman in return for sexual favours.
    The other day she gave me a handjob because I fixed her skirting board.
    Today I put up some shelves so she gave me a blowjob.
    Tomorrow I'm going to do her back door.

    (Mark Olver)

    * Bono can't count - on Vertigo he goes, "Uno, dos, tres, catorce", which in Spanish is 1, 2, 3, 14.
    So maybe there isn't a problem in Africa - Bono just miscounted.

    (Al Pitcher)

    * Before I got into comedy I was a plumber for 150 years ? although that's just an estimate.

    (Gordon Southern)

    * I've always been very pessimistic. I'm like a German vegetarian. I fear the wurst.

    (Andy Zaltzman)

    * I had a great business plan: I was going to build a bungalow for some dwarves.
    There was one tiny flaw.

    (Justin Edwards)