Stand Up Comedy One Liners

* Ann Widdecombe says she's a virgin for religious reasons.
The reason being that God made her incredibly ugly.

(Frankie Boyle)

* Know who I blame for the rise of drugs in schools? The supply teachers.

(Jimmy Carr)

* How many Tunisians does it take to change a lightbulb? Twenty, no 18,
for you sir 16, OK 15 - is good lightbulb.

(Ed Byrne)

* I hired an odd-job man.
He was useless. Gave him a list of 8 things to do and he only did numbers 1, 3, 5 and 7.

(Stephen Grant)

* My girlfriend's just had a little boy. It's a miracle!
To think that my sperm would join together with her egg! I mean, I only came on her tits.

(Simon Brodkin)

* I've been doing DIY for this woman in return for sexual favours.
The other day she gave me a handjob because I fixed her skirting board.
Today I put up some shelves so she gave me a blowjob.
Tomorrow I'm going to do her back door.

(Mark Olver)

* Bono can't count - on Vertigo he goes, "Uno, dos, tres, catorce", which in Spanish is 1, 2, 3, 14.
So maybe there isn't a problem in Africa - Bono just miscounted.

(Al Pitcher)

* Before I got into comedy I was a plumber for 150 years ? although that's just an estimate.

(Gordon Southern)

* I've always been very pessimistic. I'm like a German vegetarian. I fear the wurst.

(Andy Zaltzman)

* I had a great business plan: I was going to build a bungalow for some dwarves.
There was one tiny flaw.

(Justin Edwards)
Thread starter Similar threads Forum Replies Date
Civvy-Ginge Miscellaneous Jokes 0
Civvy-Ginge Miscellaneous Jokes 0
msr The Intelligence Cell 16

Similar threads

Latest Threads