Stag Do..tell me your tales

How did I ever forget to include this. Not my stag do, but this is a belter.

In Blackpool during world cup 2000 (Japan and lots of early kick offs so lots of all day drinking).

Anyways, in Wetherspoons (I know, I know) around lunch time when in comes a stag do with a lad cellophane wrapped to an army stretcher. They'd prop him up against the wall and feed him drinks. They also had cut a hole where his knob was so he could take a piss (they bought a bucket for this).

At the same time, in comes hen party from Hull. One of the 'hens', blasted after drinking from 7am due to the football, decides to give old matey attached to the stretcher a blow job in the middle of Wetherspoons (this is lunchtime and people are eating). Matey blows his load onto floor.

Wetherspoons cleaners gets the mop, cleans up ****, matey gets taken out on the stretcher with his knob waving around to the next pub.
 
Tape a handcuff key, credit card and twenty quid note to the inside of your thigh next to your nut sack.
Works well until…

Worked With a UK Navy chap on a Remote radar site in the Falklands, Mt Byron. He told all his ‘mates” RAF and Navy scopies , he was going back to the UK to get married. Last night there , by the way he was a hairy chap with a full beard . So just before the Junglie landed the zip tied him and covered all his bits with epoxy glue. Must have been hell shaving everything off.

 

pipes377

Old-Salt
Where? Pipes in your name means porridge wog, 16 Reg?
Nope, it's a derivative of my last name, I'm x 12 Regt, I visited all 4 pubs for my stag in 82
 

Ravers

LE
Kit Reviewer
Book Reviewer
We went to the Army vs Navy rugby at Twickenham, starting with a few jars locally the night before in a really shit pub that just happened to have Pat Sharpe and the twins DJing in there for about 3 people, plus us.

All pretty tame until we ended up in a very very busy pub in Richmond afterwards.

Highlights include jumping off a bridge into the Thames while stark bollock naked, in front of a few hundred onlookers drinking on the riverbank and in the beer garden.

3 or 4 times.

Being pushed through a large crowd in a shopping trolley and then carried over the top of said crowd in said trolley.

Being violently rugby tackled by a copper after jumping a fence to get past a queue and onto a tube train.

Breaking up a fight between my best man and a bloke I went to school with.

Good times.
5AE19BB8-6868-44CF-A432-308EADD60816.jpeg
 

MrBane

LE
Moderator
Kit Reviewer
Reviews Editor
I swear it's true. As I said in the original post, I wasn't able to get too drunk or I'd have been unable to get a taxi, so I can't even credit my using beer goggles.

Strippers, Glasgow, 90s. I'd say it was Seventh Heaven next to Charing Cross.
 
Not mine, but witnessed: load of young German lads stripped the groom naked, gaffer-taped him to a wooden chair, put divers' flippers on his feet and taped a kazoo to his mouth. THEN they put him on a tiny bit of concrete in the middle of a busy Amsterdam crossroads that the trams 'just' missed.
Watching the guy trying to run, crouched, backwards, with a chair on his back and the kazoo bellowing when the trams weren't coming: priceless.
 
So way back, 1986 to be precise, I was in Germany at my first unit, I’d proposed to the soon to be Mrs. MHT the previous year and it was now 14 months on, the plan was to have two stag nights, one in Germany for mates that couldn’t make the wedding and one back in Blighty.
The venue for Keime Junggesellenabschied was Koo’s nightclub in Lippstadt, 18 bars under one roof.
The night started off quiet enough, round after round being purchased and drunk, lots of banter and piss taking, then someone suggested shots and so it began, the next 5 hours went by in a flash and memories are hazy, but the low lights were, being dragged up on the DJ’s stage and jumping into the crowd, being dropped on my head whilst crowd surfing, being handcuffed to a dwarf German woman, getting a blow job from said dwarf on the dance floor, being thrown out by the bouncers for lewd behaviour on the dance floor, blagging my way back in, sitting on a mates shoulders who happened to be 7’2” tall whilst singing 99 luft balloon. Dracula’s Blood Snaps, Apple Korn, Jäegermeister shots, vodka shots, Gorilla Snot shots, shot after shot after shot followed, I was going down fast, finally carried out into the car park shoulder high I was officially fooked!
Again the low lights of the car park passed in a flash, standing on the bonnet of a Mk3 Taunus and pissing on the windscreen whilst a mate forced the windscreen wipers backwards and forwards, two mates, one with his arm in plaster, the other with a leg in plaster fighting over who was going to shag a German girl who had long since left with her boyfriend, nearly drowning in a puddle because I couldn’t lift my head up high enough whilst laying on the ground, starting a fight with a group of German guys because they took offence to being sung at, finally at least 10 Polizei cars turning up, being hit by a coppers baton, finally waking up in a cell only to be told to get out as we were taking up too many cells.
The stag night back in Blighty was tame in comparison but the low lights were being handcuffed to a beer pump at closing time, seeing my future mother-in-law and my own mother commandeer a bus on the girls hen night and turn up at the pub we were in on the bus, with the bride and bridesmaids, being dragged up the road on a skateboard by a mates car, and the night ended with the police being called because my best man refused to accept that last orders meant we couldn’t drink anymore in that pub, hence the handcuffs and police involvement!
It couldn’t have hurt though as I’ve been married 35 years.
 

Ravers

LE
Kit Reviewer
Book Reviewer
So way back, 1986 to be precise, I was in Germany at my first unit, I’d proposed to the soon to be Mrs. MHT the previous year and it was now 14 months on, the plan was to have two stag nights, one in Germany for mates that couldn’t make the wedding and one back in Blighty.
The venue for Keime Junggesellenabschied was Koo’s nightclub in Lippstadt, 18 bars under one roof.
The night started off quiet enough, round after round being purchased and drunk, lots of banter and piss taking, then someone suggested shots and so it began, the next 5 hours went by in a flash and memories are hazy, but the low lights were, being dragged up on the DJ’s stage and jumping into the crowd, being dropped on my head whilst crowd surfing, being handcuffed to a dwarf German woman, getting a blow job from said dwarf on the dance floor, being thrown out by the bouncers for lewd behaviour on the dance floor, blagging my way back in, sitting on a mates shoulders who happened to be 7’2” tall whilst singing 99 luft balloon. Dracula’s Blood Snaps, Apple Korn, Jäegermeister shots, vodka shots, Gorilla Snot shots, shot after shot after shot followed, I was going down fast, finally carried out into the car park shoulder high I was officially fooked!
Again the low lights of the car park passed in a flash, standing on the bonnet of a Mk3 Taunus and pissing on the windscreen whilst a mate forced the windscreen wipers backwards and forwards, two mates, one with his arm in plaster, the other with a leg in plaster fighting over who was going to shag a German girl who had long since left with her boyfriend, nearly drowning in a puddle because I couldn’t lift my head up high enough whilst laying on the ground, starting a fight with a group of German guys because they took offence to being sung at, finally at least 10 Polizei cars turning up, being hit by a coppers baton, finally waking up in a cell only to be told to get out as we were taking up too many cells.
The stag night back in Blighty was tame in comparison but the low lights were being handcuffed to a beer pump at closing time, seeing my future mother-in-law and my own mother commandeer a bus on the girls hen night and turn up at the pub we were in on the bus, with the bride and bridesmaids, being dragged up the road on a skateboard by a mates car, and the night ended with the police being called because my best man refused to accept that last orders meant we couldn’t drink anymore in that pub, hence the handcuffs and police involvement!
It couldn’t have hurt though as I’ve been married 35 years.
Sounds like a pretty tame run ashore.

You probably should’ve drank more.
 

sirbhp

LE
Book Reviewer
How did I ever forget to include this. Not my stag do, but this is a belter.

In Blackpool during world cup 2000 (Japan and lots of early kick offs so lots of all day drinking).

Anyways, in Wetherspoons (I know, I know) around lunch time when in comes a stag do with a lad cellophane wrapped to an army stretcher. They'd prop him up against the wall and feed him drinks. They also had cut a hole where his knob was so he could take a piss (they bought a bucket for this).

At the same time, in comes hen party from Hull. One of the 'hens', blasted after drinking from 7am due to the football, decides to give old matey attached to the stretcher a blow job in the middle of Wetherspoons (this is lunchtime and people are eating). Matey blows his load onto floor.

Wetherspoons cleaners gets the mop, cleans up ****, matey gets taken out on the stretcher with his knob waving around to the next pub.
Makes yew proud to be British doesn't it
 
Go karting.
Guinness.
Gayness (from an otherwise happily married straight man).
Guinness.
Axe throwing.
Paintball.
Arse covered in welts.
Guinness.
Stripper/Dominatrix.
Arse set on fire.
Blister on Arse.
Much more Guinness.

Survived.
 
Decided on a whim to ask Mrs OB to marry me as we were in the UK and a few family were there for Easter . Going to the registry office and just asked , can we get married . How long does it take , thinking about posting the news in the church etc. bloke says . Errr tomorrow if you want . OK in two days.

Called up my best mate the next day. He came down with a bottle of Canadian whisky . Which we drank . Then he/we staggered out to his car where he had his climbing gear. Then we climbed into Ludlow castle at about 2200. We used to do this all the time as kids.

Staggered up the tower where he set up the ropes for an abseil down. Classic with the rope around your back and leg. I was so pissed could not remember how to do it. Quick brief and down I went . Then him . Recover ropes and back for more grog . Amazed I never killed myself .
 
November 29, 1969. Atlanta, Georgia. Awoke with the proverbial hangover from Hell. Just before the Limo arrived to transport me to the church (on time), my dear friend from Connecticut who'd flown in for the occasion, strode into my bedroom and whipped out a pipe loaded with a gram of opiated hashish! We smoked all of it.

Dudes and Friends, I have, like, never ever been that stoned - before or since! I stood beside my bride-to-be at the altar, watching her metamorphose from a lovely lady to one of those independently-swiveling-eyes chameleons. The priest stood before us, his arrowed tail whipping about as red horns erupted from his head. Jesus stepped down from His crucifix and was doing gymnastics on the altar, juggling communion wafers and gulping Holy wine.

Then the presiding officiate said those magic words:"Do you take this woman to be your lawfully-wedded wife, blobbitta, blobbitta..." Total BUZZKILL! I sobered up and took the vows/incoming.

Epilogue: The marriage lasted twelve years, produced two fine children, and I never touched hash again!

- Ed
"Cavuman, who was too ill to notice, remained unsteady during the short ceremony and when asked to exchange vows, began to recite names and addresses of people who also used the stuff."
 

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