Squatters

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Boozy, Nov 8, 2010.

Welcome to the Army Rumour Service, ARRSE

The UK's largest and busiest UNofficial military website.

The heart of the site is the forum area, including:

  1. BBC News - Guide to stop squatters published online

    Reading the news story above reminded me of a strange experience I had in my younger days living in Scotland with an unwanted houseguest!

    After an all-day session in the local pub watching the 6nations and winding various pals up about their respective teams my best mate and i decided to retire briefly to her pad to get dressed to head into town later that night.

    On arriving nothing seemed unusual, the door was locked as it should have been and inside we tipsily traipsed. We sat in the living room loudily chatting and listening to music as we got a bite to eat and then my pal decided to go to her bedroom in the adjoining room to get changed.

    It was at this point the shrieking and screaming like a banshee happened...and fearing my pal was being murdered or something i leapt up to see what the f**k was going on.

    There, calm as you like asleep in her bed was a strange, fully clothed (complete with pink parasol) chinese man! ( at least we guessed he was chinese, he never spoke). All my friend could do was scream at him and I, though in a state of confusion and bewilderment, was attempting to cross examine him on his identity and why he was there. All the while he ignored us, showed no emotion or reaction and slowly calmly got up and climbed out the window (presumably how he got in in the first place according to the rozzers). And poof! He was gone!

    Now perhaps he wasn't a proper squatter given he didn't barricade the doors shut or try to keep us out at all or stay for very long but I have kicked myself many times after the incident thinking about what I should have done upon finding this bloke.

    With the benefit of hindsight I would probably have tried to handcuff him (yes I happened to know there were some in a drawer in that room) to something before he had the chance to make good his escape and then I would have used him as my own personal torture guinea pig - waterboarding, tickling his feet with a feather, making him listen to westlife or forcing him to watch xfactor...anything to get the f*cker to tell me who he was and to think twice about taking random naps in random peoples houses! Before eventually, when I felt he'd had sufficient doses of my own justice calling in the polizei and denying any accusation the chinese man might have made against me (come on, he was carrying a pink parasol, he's clearly bananas so they wouldn't believe him:) )

    Does anyone have any better ideas though? If you managed to corner an intruder and could, what fun would you have with them?
     
  2. Attach thunderflashs to his limbs at set them off.
     
  3. I was hoping for a totally different type of thread.
     
  4. Call in the TA for a bit of bayonet practice.

    Just how it is squatting apparently is "legal" in the UK totally blows me away! Housebreaking, criminal damage, theft (because you KNOW the squatters will find something they like - money, booze, etc. - and claim it as their own.

    Must be more of the HO and/or the courts trying to make the police service look bloody useless.
     
  5. My ex wife No2's father had a squatter problem, and was fixed thus:
    I being close to the property (less than a mile) checked their routine out for a few days. When these w*nks were out a few friends (fairly big blokes) got in and occupied the place. When squatters came back were told to fook off as (big blokes) were now squatting in the property. They did and never came back. Not sure on the legality of this so please check prior to implementing. My father in law and myself were seen by many that night about 15 miles away at a nice resteraunt.
     
  6. Same here. Got all worked up for nothing........
     
  7. BKS does that mean you are on wifey number 3?
     
  8. It is illegal in scotland which i was unaware of til after - so I was thinking if you cornered one there and tortured him you could later claim it was necessary force to defend your own (well my mates but she was a bit useless tbh) home.

    Now I'm mainly flitting between England and N.I. where its only a civil offence I wonder if I should booby-trap the house when I'm away! Home alone style of course, nothing life threatening - gotta keep them alive to torture afterwards! ;)

    BoxKickerSubs I think you have your tactics about right tbh! Did your pals have to stay there long before the filthy unwashing bathshitting hippy squatter types got the message or did they come back at all?

    I could have called in the university rugby team types I guess but mind you that could have ended up worse than having a small chinese squatters - the aftermath of their pub celebrations resulted in a hefty club bill for damage to the pub roof (a who can punch the biggest hole in the building contest so i believe).

    vvaannmmaann what did you have in mind? Is it a certain popular drinking game involving squatting, sucking and blowing? If so I should have an interesting photo album full of squatters somewhere...