Weddings are always great for mixing civvies with squaddies, with universally disastrous results.
One of my mates from Aldershot had somehow persuaded a girl that didn't look like Jocky Wilson in a wig, to marry him. She truly was a few steps up from the usual fare and when all her family turned up at the church, it was apparent that they had a few bob and were not overly impressed with their daughters choice of husband. Pity they didn't get to choose the best man either.
He picked a complete heed-the-ball from the line shack to do the honours. We were all on the standard squaddies table at the reception. The one nearest the exit door, between the bogs and the kitchen, at the furthest possible point from the bride. When our man got up to do his best mans speech, he sent off the first warning signal to her family, by shouting, at parade ground volume,
"You lot on the back table, keep the fcuking noise down."
As he started his speech they were already looking alarmed. He put his hand on his wifes shoulder and said,
"Before I launch into my speech, i've got a small announcement to make. Helen has told me to expect to started washing a few nappies."
"Aaaaaahhhh," they all said, perhaps he isn't horrible after all. He continued,
"Apparently all the muscles in her arrse have packed up."
I found it funny, as did my ten mates, but there were 140 people their, with 130 not laughing, the miserable c-unts.
He finished off, with what is, to this date, the most inappropriate wedding anecdote i've ever heard.
"I'm having a lovely day, so i'll finish with this little story (mass groan). Everyone in the block knows that Pete's got smelly feet, but last year it got ridiculous. The smell was killing us. After a week of threats, we couldn't get him to change his socks, so had to take drastic action. We moved all his bedspace in the drying room and made him live there. He lost 40lbs in three days. But blow me down, the smell didn't go away. It turned out that it wasn't Pete after all......... Someone had had a sh-it, in one of the empty lockers, and it had gone off."
I had to be given oxygen. The brides mum had a face like John Prescotts arrse.
Yes, i know its 16 years old, but it had me giggling for ages, classic.