Squaddies trying to behave like proper people

Discussion in 'NOW That's What I Call ARRSE 1' started by convoy_cock, Dec 6, 2004.

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  1. A mate of my wifes brought her new boyfriend over for dinner on Saturday night.

    I'd spoken to her earlier in the week and she'd put my back up a bit. The conversation went:

    "Oh you'll like him Convoy, he used to be in the Army."

    "Nice one, what was he in?"

    "The Gordon Highlanders for about 6 years"

    "He'll have a few stories to tell then."

    "Oh, no. He's not like that. He's really civilised."

    "What, in comparsion to me?"

    "Well, you know what I mean. Your always telling stories about horrible things. I don't think Richard was into any of that sort of stuff"

    I let it go, but thought to myself, 'Yeah, course he fcuking wasn't'

    When they got round at about 8, he was obviously dead eager to impress. My wifes her best mate and he'd already played a blinder at the parents and other family's houses. I weighed him up for a bit. He was a spot on bloke, does a load of work out in Iraq, cleaning up chemical spills and that.

    I could sense that he was holding back though. After an hour or so, I started chucking in the skiffing anecdotes. As Fiona turned her nose up, he was getting all uncomfortable.

    "I bet you fcukers were always at it, eh Richard?"

    Fionas giving him the dead eye. He hesitated for a few seconds, but he couldn't cope with the idea of looking like a knob in front of an ex-signals bloke. Takes a big swig of wine and says

    "Too fcuking right. When you've got a kilt on, your in skiff heaven."

    That was it for the rest of the evening. He was telling some right toe curlers. Getting his teeth knocked out by a half-brick outside Fort Whiterock; Scrapping in Berlin nightclubs. Fiona just sat there for the rest of the evening wondering who she'd arrived with. The silver tongued cavalier who'd talked her out of her knickers two months before had turned into 8-ace.

    By the end of the evening I even had him doing pi-ssed-up-pull-ups in the garage. We even managed to squeeze in a bit of bezzering while they were waiting for the cab.


    Has anyone else ever tried to behave like a proper person, only to have it all come crashing down around your ears?
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  2. Oh yes indeedy , at the time i thought it was to my shame , but looking back it was f*cking hilarious.

    i got invited to a mate of mines wedding ,now he's an ex sapper , and a good egg but her family are uber posh , and whilst being a right looker his missus could best be described as a "wet f*cking lettuce"
    now i turned up in my best bib and tucker , with warnings still ringing in my ears of "behave yourself , and keep your fingers out of your arrse" quite resigned to having a normal wedding type shee-it disco and a buffet type evening.
    First bloke i bump into is an old mate of mine "ruby" murray , ex greenjacket and all round animal , and we get stuck into the premium strength lager like the free bar is going to run out imminently (which was a good jod because it f*cking did!!) now , some time after the speeches , but before the cake cutting it all started to go a bit wrong , me and Ruby ended up sitting either side of the groom , and the grotty stories were flowing when slowly but surely i got the feeling i was being watched , it was her mum , and apparently i was in her seat , no big deal so i moved over and we continued the crack about "fighting skiffing and whoring" this got me a swift kick under the table from pete the groom , as i was mid way through telling a story about me and him "twos upping" on some hooker in berlin , probably not the ideal location to recount such a tale , but we laughed it off and proceeded back to the bar to finish getting demolished.
    it was at this stage , that his lovely wife of no more than 3 hours came looking for him as he had basically got on the lash with us , and somewhat reluctantrly he made his way to the dancefloor , for that first and most romantic of dances.
    now , i dont know wether it was her perfume , perhaps a dodgy vol au vent , or the vodkas garry had been putting in his beer , but after about 2 minutes of dancing pete has bolted for the exit with his hand over his mouth and the first fine mist of a "five finger spray" leaking out from between his fingers , i've got to admit i was f*cking wetting my pants laughing , and within seconds the finger of suspiscion for petes performance has been blamed fairly and squarely on me and Garry , his mother in law stormed over and started giving us both f*ck all about "ruining her little girls big day" , and i dont think Garry snickering like a little girl was helping her temper at all , anyway , Pete turns back up looking a little shame faced ,but grinning at us as if to say "pair of cnuts" to be fair to Pete , he caned himself for being a lightweight , and put his arms round us both in "bezzer" fashion , which ended in the three of us rolling around in a heap near the bar , er.... just after this i was grabbed by my missus , and thrown in a taxi.
    i recieved a royal , gold plated , A1 bolllocking , all i got for dinner for 2 weeks was cold shoulder and tongue pie , but every time i speak to (a still happily married) Pete , we always fall about laughing about the weeks of pain he endured off his in-laws before they finally started speaking to him again. :)
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  3. :cry: :cry: :cry:

    Convoy salutes as another thread is lowered into the ground.
  4. I think Canteen Cowboy may put it right and allow the thread to continue??
  5. Man, this is a timely thread.

    Yesterday the Mrs and I went Christmas shopping, which puts me in a bad fecking mood right off. At the end of it, we stopped by the local watering hole for refreshments and ran into a friend of mine and his Mrs. that had been doing the same.

    We started watching football (American football, not that soccer crap) and pounding beers, which led to us telling horror stories from our time in the service. My wife just ignores us, but his wife took exception to a tale of his from Germany involving cold beer and hot hookers. She starts giving him the good news, when calm as could be, he looks her in the eyes and says:

    "If you could suck c*ck as well as you suck the fun out of life, you'd be the perfect woman."

    Last I saw of him was her yelling at him all the way out the restaurant. I've been banned for life from ever seeing him again. :D
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  6. Weddings are always great for mixing civvies with squaddies, with universally disastrous results.

    One of my mates from Aldershot had somehow persuaded a girl that didn't look like Jocky Wilson in a wig, to marry him. She truly was a few steps up from the usual fare and when all her family turned up at the church, it was apparent that they had a few bob and were not overly impressed with their daughters choice of husband. Pity they didn't get to choose the best man either.

    He picked a complete heed-the-ball from the line shack to do the honours. We were all on the standard squaddies table at the reception. The one nearest the exit door, between the bogs and the kitchen, at the furthest possible point from the bride. When our man got up to do his best mans speech, he sent off the first warning signal to her family, by shouting, at parade ground volume,

    "You lot on the back table, keep the fcuking noise down."

    As he started his speech they were already looking alarmed. He put his hand on his wifes shoulder and said,

    "Before I launch into my speech, i've got a small announcement to make. Helen has told me to expect to started washing a few nappies."

    "Aaaaaahhhh," they all said, perhaps he isn't horrible after all. He continued,

    "Apparently all the muscles in her arrse have packed up."

    I found it funny, as did my ten mates, but there were 140 people their, with 130 not laughing, the miserable c-unts.

    He finished off, with what is, to this date, the most inappropriate wedding anecdote i've ever heard.

    "I'm having a lovely day, so i'll finish with this little story (mass groan). Everyone in the block knows that Pete's got smelly feet, but last year it got ridiculous. The smell was killing us. After a week of threats, we couldn't get him to change his socks, so had to take drastic action. We moved all his bedspace in the drying room and made him live there. He lost 40lbs in three days. But blow me down, the smell didn't go away. It turned out that it wasn't Pete after all......... Someone had had a sh-it, in one of the empty lockers, and it had gone off." :lol:

    I had to be given oxygen. The brides mum had a face like John Prescotts arrse.
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  7. That's got to be one of the best threads I've seen on this site!

    The idea I have extracted so far: never ever even think of marrying a squaddie (not that there are going to be many takers on that one in any case), or an ex-squaddie, or anyone who has ever had anything to do with the Forces. But: try to attend as many squaddie weddings as possible - it's guaranteed to prolong your life expectancy for at least another ten years!

    Give us some more!
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  8. msr

    msr LE


  9. bezzering

    the act of becoming someones best friend or "bezzer" normally brought on by large ammounts of alchohol.
  10. It also appears in the shorter Oxford english dictionary as,

    bezzering (v) to bezzer,

    A shortlived feeling of well-being induced by over consumption of beer, which leads to acts of unwanted, same-sex physical affection causing huge embarassment to all but the bezzerer.

    Standard bezzering lines are uttered whilst holding the bezzeree in an affectionate full-nelson and follow a familiar path,

    "You're me fcuking bezzer, you."
    "If I won the lottery, i'd give you half."
    "I wish you were my brother."

    When not employing the full nelson, the bezzerer delivers his lines whilst pointing a crooked index finger, somewhere to the right of his intended target.

    Bezzering ends when the comments move from affectionate to abusive, which can sometimes occur within the space of a sentence, ie

    "I fcuking love you, mate. Your a champ, but if you ever tell my wife that her hair's nice again, i'll stab you, I will."
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  11. :wink:
  12. It's good to able to celebrate how lovely squaddies are.
  13. A squddie is for life not just for Christmas
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  14. quotes proving the long heritage of "bezzering" can be foung in several volumes of British history.

    "forsooth my liege , for i would gladly take a round for you"
    (Henry v act 3)

    "none of these b-itches are a patch on you mukka , your me best mate you are"
    (henry the Viii ,to the archbishop of canterbury on his divorce)

    "never , in the field of human conflict ..... have i ever had a mate like you mate."
    (winston churchill)
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  15. Was staying with my newly re-married and housed brother and wife. She didn’t like me-still doesn’t!Mum had told me to be on my best behaviour!! Well, after dinner my brother & I got laid into the claret in a big way - it never agrees with me.
    3 o’clock in the morning, pitch black in my unfamiliar bedroom, desperately need a pee. Crawl round the room trying to find door. Give up! Small sash windows @ about the right height. Curtains open, open & hold open the window with left hand fingers, sort of squat down & in the middle of a serious wizz the bloody window slides down trapping said fingers. B*ll*ck naked and it needs two hands to open so call out for brother! “What the fecks going on?” as the light goes on to find me trapped, naked & pissing all over the new sister-in-law’s prized family photo collection, all neatly shelved on the window ledge.
    Couldn’t even get my coat and the next day-WELL!!!
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