Squaddie Scriptwriters

Discussion in 'The ARRSE Hole' started by error_unknown, Jul 6, 2004.

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  1. I was talking to a mate of mine who works for Red Productions in Manchester last night.

    I was trying to persuade him of the value of replacing all soap and comedy scriptwriters with ex or serving squaddies.

    Wouldn't it be fcuking great?

    I'd love a crack at that fcuking 'comedy' My Family.

    They've got it too bleeding easy, Robert Lindsay and Zoe Wannamaker. Their always pulling their hair out because their tall tw*t of a son gives 'em the occasional bit of articulate lip.

    I'd quickly introduce another character to liven things up a bit. He'd be another son, but called Smudge or Dinger.

    Instead of indulging in witty repartee with his dentist father, he'd simply come home on leave and start sh*tting in wardrobes. Any backchat from the posh lad would result in some severe frying-pan-to-swede action.

    The Squaddifying of primetime TV would be a truly wonderful thing.

    Anyone else got any ideas? The only programme that I can think of that wouldn't benefit from our touch would be "Sharpe."
  2. Yeah, why not liven up Birds of a feather.....with Shaz and Trace being two squaddie wives who's hubbies are on ops.

    Can take a peek into the lives of these fat gopping mingers, out down the naafi in their white stilettos and ron hills....screwing half their husbands reg, getting hoop dhobied.

    Then husbands getting home, after a night on the old wifebeater and going next door to two's up on Dorien
  3. What about 'Big Brother' with all squaddies!!

    Nowadays we could even supply the required P00fter and the sex-change person. 8O
  4. ViroBono

    ViroBono LE Moderator

    How about Bargain Hunt?

    The contestants are two teams of civil servants from Procurement, who are given a fixed amount of money to get the best possible value items in the marketplace. The game is hosted by a suitably large squaddie. If the teams take too long shopping, overspend or buy completely useless cr*p, they get a kicking on live tv.
  5. Squaddie wife swap?
  6. What about "Match of the day".

    4 drunken squaddies swilling beer and giving their comments on the match live!

    Possibly invite Gary Lineker and others to give their views alonside our "experts" 8O
  7. Isnt Only fools and horses a civviefied version of Bilko. And not the one with that Tw*t Steve martin but Phil Slivers >AAA Ten SHun
  8. The Bill

    Fat sweaty redcap monkey scumbag t**ts attempt to solve crimes between trips to the NAAFI for another pasty/coffee/doughnut/pizza/curry/burger/chips/schnelly/biscuits/pukka pie and a diet coke............... :p complete with geezerbird inspectors/sergeants and other boring cnuts :wink:
  9. what about a squaddie version of blind date , where 4 fat mingers have to guess which squaddie from the local crew boned them the weekend before , simply by the tang of his knob cheese.

    or "starfishes in their eyes " which is where squaddies dress up as a star from the past and get a hoop dhobi off the camp bike.

    or scrapheap challenge were a reme LAD try and keep an armoured engineer regiment on the excercise area for a whole week.
  10. ViroBono

    ViroBono LE Moderator

    'Can't Cook Won't Cook' - starring the catering contractors currently failing to impress all over the military

    The National Lottery Live, in which Geoffrey Hoon, assisted by the lovely 'Orange Adam' Ingram, pick, at random, which regiments to chop next

    Crimewatch - 1 KINGS get their own show

    The Archers - an everyday story of OFQs
  11. ViroBono

    ViroBono LE Moderator

    The Weakest Link, starring CDS :twisted:
  12. Bad Lads Army where the precious types of today find out what basic was like in the seventies.
  13. how about , "how clean is your house"
    where instead of the two bints , send around a couple of RSM's to give them the full on house inspection , by beds lockers open , no f**king quilts , and why is that telly out.
    throw the entire contents of their house into the front garden whilst screaming at them , get them all doing knees to the chest in their top boxes , and if the bins not clean put it on mums head and give it a whack with a broom handle. :)
  14. ViroBono

    ViroBono LE Moderator

    'I Want That House' - in which an 18 year-old squaddie marries a 37 year-old slapper from the local town in order to get out of the block and into an MQ.

    'Homes Under The Hammer' - how to make a huge profit by not doing any repairs to houses, then doing them up and selling them to civvies. Starring DHE and Annington Homes.

    'Dead Ringers' - Iraqi prisoners hoop dhobie their mates. Hosted by Lynddie England.

    'Trisha' - featuring an audience made up entirely of OTC members. Just like usual, then.

    'You've Been Framed' - Reality TV featuring the RMP.
  15. Now that idea I like :D :D