Squaddie Humour ~ You cant beat it !!

#1
Just remembered some naughtyness the lads did back in the late 80's. I remember getting a phone call from the Guardroom SNCO that there was a debt collecter serving papers on our Sqn. I quickly drove over and I think it was the Britannia Music Club but the lads had used our base address and postcode and filled in orders for

Christian Name: TheSqn
Surname: Kettle

Christian Name: Hugh
Surname: Jardon

Etc

Our Sqn had ordered nearly £400Stg worth of Music & Videos !!
It was hard not to laugh as the heaviliy tattooed debt collector who was a nasty piece of work wanted to come onto the base and speak to the Sqn Kettle and Hugh Jardon et al. I sent him packing and told him if a mail order company were stupid enough to send CDs & Videos on credit to a kettle then they should write it of as Bad & Doubtful Debt and not be stupid enough to outsource the debt and he was stupid expecting a kettle to pay up. Despite my 'bollocking' of the Sqn with a glint in my eye and a big smile when I asked that the Sqn Kettle & Hugh stopped ordering music CD's. The lads continued. The funny thing was about 2 weeks later there I got Wet Wet Wet / Kylie & some other CD in my pigeon hole. The lads had ordered it to:

Christian Name: NiceKind
Surname: Woopert

I had to laugh and gave the CD's to the Padre for the youth club. Thats the humour that I miss.

Anybody else got any funnies to share ?
 
#2
Back in '85,I was a young SAC in the RAF just posted to RAF Kinloss.We were on excercise & were nipping off home after shift.As we walked up the hill towards the main gate,still in goon suit's,we passed a group of aircrew.
One of them turned to my Sargeant & said-
"Sargeant! Dont you salute officers?"
Joe replied "Sorry Sir,I did'nt know you are a officer..."
"But I'm wearing a shoulder holster!Only officers wear shoulder Holsters!!!"
Joe,having a poker face that never cracks replied-
" James Bond wears a shoulder holster & I dont salute him!"
Before turning away & walking off leaving the officer gobsmacked & his mates in stitches! RAF officers can be so,well,stupid sometimes!!
 
#3
spike7451 said:
Back in '85,I was a young SAC in the RAF just posted to RAF Kinloss.We were on excercise & were nipping off home after shift.As we walked up the hill towards the main gate,still in goon suit's,we passed a group of aircrew.
One of them turned to my Sargeant & said-
"Sargeant! Dont you salute officers?"
Joe replied "Sorry Sir,I did'nt know you are a officer..."
"But I'm wearing a shoulder holster!Only officers wear shoulder Holsters!!!"
Joe,having a poker face that never cracks replied-
" James Bond wears a shoulder holster & I dont salute him!"
Before turning away & walking off leaving the officer gobsmacked & his mates in stitches! RAF officers can be so,well,stupid sometimes!!
Normally, such a post would ordinarily meet with much stroking of the chin and a brief dismissal as being a bag of b0llocks. But they're a strange bunch in Kinloss- so it's not entirely impossible. Another such example was seen at Fairford during RIAT a couple of years ago.

NCO aircrew (can't remember whether it was a FS or MAEOp) walked up to a Red Arrows pilot (wearing his customary red growbag) during post show pish-up and was heard to say:

"So, what have you come as?"
 
#4
these stories do get better with age, don't they? more likely the true version:

spike7451 said:
Back in '85,I was a young SAC in the RAF just posted to RAF Kinloss.We were on excercise & were nipping off home after shift.As we walked up the hill towards the main gate,still in goon suit's,we passed a group of aircrew.
One of them turned to my Sargeant & said-
"Sargeant! Dont you salute officers?"
Joe replied "Sorry Sir,I did'nt know you are a officer..."
"But I'm wearing a shoulder holster!Only officers wear shoulder Holsters!!!"
Joe saluted before walking away with the author.

Once the officers were safely out of hearing range, Joe quipped:

" James Bond wears a shoulder holster & I dont salute him!" leaving the author in stitches!
but as they say, why let the truth etc etc... :)
 
#5
crabtastic said:
spike7451 said:
Back in '85,I was a young SAC in the RAF just posted to RAF Kinloss.We were on excercise & were nipping off home after shift.As we walked up the hill towards the main gate,still in goon suit's,we passed a group of aircrew.
One of them turned to my Sargeant & said-
"Sargeant! Dont you salute officers?"
Joe replied "Sorry Sir,I did'nt know you are a officer..."
"But I'm wearing a shoulder holster!Only officers wear shoulder Holsters!!!"
Joe,having a poker face that never cracks replied-
" James Bond wears a shoulder holster & I dont salute him!"
Before turning away & walking off leaving the officer gobsmacked & his mates in stitches! RAF officers can be so,well,stupid sometimes!!
Normally, such a post would ordinarily meet with much stroking of the chin and a brief dismissal as being a bag of b0llocks. But they're a strange bunch in Kinloss- so it's not entirely impossible. Another such example was seen at Fairford during RIAT a couple of years ago.

NCO aircrew (can't remember whether it was a FS or MAEOp) walked up to a Red Arrows pilot (wearing his customary red growbag) during post show pish-up and was heard to say:

"So, what have you come as?"
After the Fleet Review last year, the Red Arrow pilots came to our mess for some reason for a few drinks, dress in afore mentioned red growbags. I asked one if they were the Red Arrow pilots. A table of about 10 whaaas came to him followed by kiddish laughter. We are twats arn't we? :)
 
#8
At RAF Bruggen in 1993 and an AAC fullscrew pilot walked past two RAF officers. As the fullscrew didn't throw up a salute one of the crab officers got a bee in his bonnet. "Corporal. Don't you salute RAF officers in the Army?"
"No sir."
Asked with incredulity "Why not?"
Straight faced reply "Because we don't have RAF officers in the Army,sir."
 
B

Biscuits_AB

Guest
#9
FABLONBIFFCHIT said:
At RAF Bruggen in 1993 and an AAC fullscrew pilot walked past two RAF officers. As the fullscrew didn't throw up a salute one of the crab officers got a bee in his bonnet. "Corporal. Don't you salute RAF officers in the Army?"
"No sir."
Asked with incredulity "Why not?"
Straight faced reply "Because we don't have RAF officers in the Army,sir."

P*sh.
 
#10
That is the world's oldest urban myth!! and not terribly funny either.

I once got an eyes right from a Coldstream Guards ( I think) platoon in some barracks in Munster just because I was wearing an AAC beret ( I think they mistook me for an Orifice and not the bowser mong that I actually was at that point).

I mumbled 'thank you' to their CSM and carried on walking.
 
#11
Biscuits_AB said:
FABLONBIFFCHIT said:
At RAF Bruggen in 1993 and an AAC fullscrew pilot walked past two RAF officers. As the fullscrew didn't throw up a salute one of the crab officers got a bee in his bonnet. "Corporal. Don't you salute RAF officers in the Army?"
"No sir."
Asked with incredulity "Why not?"
Straight faced reply "Because we don't have RAF officers in the Army,sir."

P*sh.
Biscuits. I can fully understand your comment. However; As a young lad of 17, fresh out of Junior bleeders and on attachment to JSATC in Hendon. I was taken under the wing of a (what seemed like) very old and bold Cpl (he was probably 21). Every morning to get from the accn to work we had to run the gauntlet of ambling armylike past the RAF Officers Mess, hundreds of the buggers were coming out from all directions. After a while saluting become a bit like pokey drill and the Cpl says, don't fcuking bother mate, they can't salute properly anyway, me being a good lad did as i was told. On day two of our cunning plan the scrawniest Flying Officer shouted the immortal words above and was promptly answered exactly as quoted by the fullscrew I was with. As we continued to amble armylike away he turned to me and said, mate, you'll hear that story a hundred times in your career but at least now you can tell people you know someone that actually fcuking said it.

Jesus, was that really 23 years ago, I need a whisky.
 
#14
Issimondias said:
I once got an eyes right from a Coldstream Guards ( I think) platoon in some barracks in Munster just because I was wearing an AAC beret ( I think they mistook me for an Orifice and not the bowser mong that I actually was at that point).
I was duty SNCO in Lisburn a couple of years back and a couple of R IRISH band blokes went by and they had the little 'drum' badge, meaning that they were....well...drummers. Being a bit of a mong, I wrongly assumed they were big wierd subaltern pips and salutes them both. I felt like a right tit. Doh!
 
#15
Best one iI think ive ever done was in Glasgow. Mate and i out on the lash and he decides he needs some loving. He asks me for directions to where the cheap pro's hang out and dilligently lead him to the right area. He find this rught ugly b***h and goes up to her and asks how much. He comes running up saying can he borrow some cash so i said ok went to hole in wall and drew out the spondollies. off he trots but reappears about a minute later shouting "the b***h ran off with my money" i burst out laughing as he goes looking for some more p***y. As he dissapers the same pro comes up to me and hands me back the money saying "poor sod couldn't get it up so there's one for your mate's tell him he's the only bloke in history to get a refund from a hooker". So what do i do

Call up another couple of the lads who are nearby and have a video camera. We quickly interview the said pro and p**s of back to the block. Next day he walks in to the naffi moaning about being ripped off to see the pro recounting how his brewers droop got the better of him. I still dont think he's lived it dow to this day
 
#16
SuperSnake092 said:
Best one iI think ive ever done was in Glasgow. Mate and i out on the lash and he decides he needs some loving. He asks me for directions to where the cheap pro's hang out and dilligently lead him to the right area. He find this rught ugly b***h and goes up to her and asks how much. He comes running up saying can he borrow some cash so i said ok went to hole in wall and drew out the spondollies. off he trots but reappears about a minute later shouting "the b***h ran off with my money" i burst out laughing as he goes looking for some more p***y. As he dissapers the same pro comes up to me and hands me back the money saying "poor sod couldn't get it up so there's one for your mate's tell him he's the only bloke in history to get a refund from a hooker". So what do i do

Call up another couple of the lads who are nearby and have a video camera. We quickly interview the said pro and urine of back to the block. Next day he walks in to the naffi moaning about being ripped off to see the pro recounting how his brewers droop got the better of him. I still dont think he's lived it dow to this day
Priceless :lol:
 
#17
Was at Bruggen and in erm... '95 some rock apes were pottering about on the base waiting for transport to take them back to Laarbruch. i was in coveralls and beret, head down walking into driving rain towards the MT when two blokes passed me in C95 type stuff with low vis rank slides, i said "morning" as the one i could make out was that of a sgt. seconds later i heard the unmistakeable sound of a halt and an about turn, then the mong sgt shouts "OI.... OI YOU!" so i came to a stop, looked around over my shoulder...
he said "Dont you salute Officers Airman?"
I replied "im not an airman" and walked off.

Not that funny now i type it....

i will get my coat.

Rincewind
 
#18
Issimondias said:
That is the world's oldest urban myth!! and not terribly funny either.

I once got an eyes right from a Coldstream Guards ( I think) platoon in some barracks in Munster just because I was wearing an AAC beret ( I think they mistook me for an Orifice and not the bowser mong that I actually was at that point).

I mumbled 'thank you' to their CSM and carried on walking.

ISSI...

Were you 662?

Beef
 
#19
Standing around after an exercise a Pilot Officer walked past the group I was chatting with, and as he walked past sarcastically said "I thought it was customary to salute officers", to which the Major, Captain and two Lieutenants I was talking to turned to face him, and the Captain said "Yes it is", resulting in a very red faced Pilot Officer hurrying away.
 
#20
SuperSnake092 said:
Mate and i out on the lash and he decides he needs some loving. He asks me for directions to where the cheap pro's hang out and dilligently lead him to the right area.
You mean outside MCM DIV (Kentigern House) where all the pros have moved down from Blythswood Square to come under the protection of the multitude of cameras on our beloved ivory towers? :lol:
 

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