sprinkling our magic

Discussion in 'The Intelligence Cell' started by BoomShackerLacker, Apr 25, 2009.

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  1. Free buzzword bingo card from the beeb... of particular sliminess is:

  2. Forastero

    Forastero LE Moderator

    Had my first meeting on Thurs since returning from ops and a civil servant pops up with a classic; 'We're on the same songsheet but singing a different verse'. Cnut. I (very) audibly snorted in derision and looked up from my snot-ridden snout to see DCOS glaring at me and a scarlet civil serpent opposite. DCOS grabs me afterwards and although utterly sympathetic asked if I could keep my disdain for cliches under wraps next time.

    A mild version perhaps but one that stills bombards my spleen with rage atoms every time I hear it.
  3. "We'll take it into consideration" is one which has always pissed me off mightily, even if it's not the worst example of management-speak. If they want to ignore me, that's fine - I can talk an awful lot of shite at times - but they should at least be honest about it!
  4. Ask "When?" and "When would I be informed of the results of your consideration?"

    That's what I do; now they either discuss my suggestions with me, or give me their definite answer.

    Of course I'm not in the military, so it might be different for you...
  5. Welcome back Forastero. :salut: :salut:
  6. Some faceless corporate drone saying "We are unable to" when they really mean "Tough shit, we're not gonna".

    Unable, eh? If I were to put you through to the police, do you think you could give them a description of the man who held the gun to your head and stopped you? Cunt.
  7. This reminds me of the 'boss', frequently, accusing me of 'leaky body language' during meetings. That is, the inability to disguise 'utter contempt' for the bs flowing. I have great admiration for those who can fake 'keen interest' whilst listening to the 'big man' repeat the self-serving bile.

    Another pet hate is every meeting requiring the 'big man' to have 'three points'!
  8. What happened to the Bullshit Bingo (or something similar) a list of management speak bollox,that was to be printed off a given to attendees?

    Attached Files:

  10. the_boy_syrup

    the_boy_syrup LE Book Reviewer

    When the team I work in moved offices we took a large white board with us on which we could write things that would save E mails such as vehicles parked for onward movement etc (just sribbled for info)
    We then moved positions in the same office and a new team inherited our white board
    Their team leader started writing "word of the week" on it such a granularity and it's meaning
    It was right opposite the bosses office so he had to see it
    being complete biffs who weren't interested in bussiness speak we started questioning it
    We pointed out that "communication is king" was not only three words but slightly ironic if you forget to update the diary and don't tell your team you would be out of the office
    We also pointed out attention to detail was three words and maybe they should practise what they preach

    However after a lot more piss taking including using the very nice bingo card and someone shouting house during one of that team leaders briefing things came to a head when one Sunday during 30 mins of Arrse I wrote A day in the life of..

    My boss recieved 6 complaints about mickey taking of the way people speak and suprisingly one compliment and someone asked if they could have a copy
    Theres some weirdo's about

    A day in the life of………..

    Today I intend to sit at my workstation and engage in some blue sky thinking
    I shall however remain objective and focused with the immediate tasks in hand whilst maintaining system over watch
    Due to us operating a four dimensional business there may be a strategic requirement for me to step back out of the box and look at the bigger picture
    It may become necessary for me to car park ideas until a commitment pause allows me to normalise the numbers and empower the proper ownership and management control for us to vector them back in and achieve granularity
    Once I have quantified the work at hand I may find that we need to ring fence some resources and by careful application by coordinated members of the team we can ensure the synchronisation of our customers requirements and ensure we are all singing from the same hymn sheet
    This will allow us to take a holistic approach to the impending scenarios and therefore not only march to the correct beat of the drum but hit the ground running
    By monitoring and mentoring our staff we can prevent a sub optimal outcome and avoid going in to a flat spin and ending up in a world of pain
    We should aim to back winners so we are cooking on gas with our colours nailed firmly to the mast
    However we must remember it's not a level playing field and the goal posts may move, if they do some one else may have to pick it up and run with it .
    We should therefore keep a golf bag with options hot to trot from the word go
    It may not be our train set but we can't afford to leave it on the back burner especially as there is a lot of irons in the fire right now
    If we throw a track this may cause problems with our flash to bang time and we may have to stamp our feet in a grown up's in tray and give chapter and verse on how we think we can knit fog with a sharp stick
    If we play with a straight bat and avoid curve balls and keep the fudge factor to a minimum we should get all our ducks in a row and come up smelling of roses.
    If we have been round the bazaars and reached the final whistle with a balanced scorecard and everything is still on the glide path we can pop smoke and bomb burst to complete personal admin and a chance to recharge our batteries
  11. This one (clicky) is along the same lines, and was my favourite for a while.

    Best wishes

  12. :D