split stuff

#1
k613 said:
Not my 0A but a female teacher when I was at school in the 80s.

Imagine if you will the 5th form in an RE class. We are going to watch a Video in the lecture theatre. We get in before her and nab the VCR remote. In she waddles and opens the VCR cabinet and open the top loading VCR and pushes the tape down. She looks around for the remote asking where it is.

'Its a Voice Operated VCR, Miss' pipes up one of my class mates. 'you have to say 'play' and it will play.

'Play' says the dozy moose.

One of my mates at the back hits play on the remote and we watch Life of Brian or whatever it was. She does comment on how clever things are these days and how advanced technology is, to the point of voicing such comments in the staff room of how impressive the VOV is. Only to be asked which class had shown her this technological breakthrough, how he laughed when she said it was us!

Bit of blood surge on the first couple of sentences :twisted:
 
#5
My ex (once again) decried the fact that she didn't come from an "effluent" family....I put her straight
 
#7
counterstrike wrote
Since me and Mrs Counterstrike invested in Sky+ there's been no looking back (no, we DONT get out much). The fascination lasted a good 6 months of how you could go to the bog, answer the door, go make a brew and still come back and rewind and watch what you missed. Or if you just missed something you wanted to see again, instant rewind and play or slow play 'til your little hearts content.


Anyway, me gets up to go do the brews one night and while I'm in the kitchen I hear the missus shriek with laughter. I ran back in to see what the matter was and the missus points the Sky+ remote at the dog and says "Watch this - the dog just done something really funny!" and presses REWIND!


"That's the dog, love!"



Bless
That is superb!

Only a woman could do that.
 
#8
Just heard a classic on Radio 2 with that stupid woman Sarah Kennedy.

It was with refernce to Keane pulling out of some gigs, and I have copied a statement from their official website:

Following last week's announcement that Tom has been diagnosed with exhaustion, he has admitted himself into a private clinic.

Tom said, "I've been having to deal with an increasing problem with drink and drugs, and the time has come to get the professional help I need to sort myself out. I feel desperately disappointed to be letting down our fans, but I want to get myself right now so that I can be back on the road for the rest of the year."


In response to the above statement, the crazy cow said on national radio...."Poor Dear....he has probably been overdoing it a bit it lately!"

Oh why do they employ her!!!!
 
#9
the_guru said:
Ex again.

Her dad goes to Airshows and she was making small talk when a Herc flew past while we were in the car. "What sort of plane is that ?"
"c-130 Hercules, nicknamed Fat Albert"

Couple of weeks later, a couple of Hercs fly low over Blandford. She comes belting into the bedroom and says
"Look out of the window, there are a couple of those Bert Lancasters !!"
You wouldnt swap them for the world , little luvs
 
#11
I told an ex that the Beatles had written "Hey Jude" during their touring in Germany days, but that the original was called "Achtung Juden". She believed me and she was ginger.
_________________
I am going to steal that!

Mrs BBR has fallen for the "Irish knock knock joke", not once but TWICE!

For those unaware it goes as follows-

Wait until a joke telling session develops and then pick on the most stupid person present.

"Do you want to hear an awesome knock knock joke" you ask

"Ok" the victim replies.

"Ok then-you start"

"Knock knock" replies the victim

"Who's there?" you reply

Then you sit back and enjoy the face of Guppy fish at feeding time.

Not once but twice, stupid mare.( a few months apart, it has to be said)

Even worse I got her Dad's new wife with old Billy Connelly "Prescription windscreen" routine, and she has an advanced degree in psychology and works in a high ranking post in the NHS.

Embarrassingly, I once told my Mother that I had looked up “gullible” in the dictionary, and believe it or not, but it is not actually in there. "Really!" she replied.

She was a teacher and a member of Mensa.
 
#12
Once had to rush home from work to open the front door fgor the ex ... wandered up and after a twist to the right door pops open. "Didn't do that for me!" ... so I asked her to show me. Dozy cnut was turning the key the wrong way.
 
#13
this was this morning , shes harping on again about her weight , as they do. " I DONT LOOK THAT BIG IF I LOOK AT MY SELF FROM A DISTANCE" couldnt help myself , i said what a mile , the bruise should go in a few days. it hurts , it hurts .
 
#14
Jabber said:
Here in South Africa they have a sort of barbeque sauce called 'Monkey Gland', which hasn't got anything to do with monkeys. My Mrs asks how they get it so I tell her that the only way to do it is to spank the monkey, really hard and often and then you get the sauce. She is now getting famous for this explanation and is often asked for it as it sounds even better from her as she is Chinese.....

Also, her sister visited, did the game park thing and was asked how you tell the sex of a zebra. As we all know, the males are coloured black/white/black/white and the females are white/black/white/black. They spent many happy hours afterwards sexing zebras and it was quite difficult to keep a straight face on hearing, 'look, there's another female'.
That's ace!!! I'm borrowing that one for the torment of the most recent Ex Mrs Morty and my merriment! Good work fella!
 
#15
Santa Sunday and I took a young Scottish Lady to see Southampton v Everton at The Dell a few years back. As we walked into the ground (Shithole) I asked her if she'd ever been in a football ground. She replied "Aye, Ibrox Park"
"Cool, who was playing?"
"..........Simple Minds!"
 
#17
Shark_Wrestler said:
Be asked to be SW nieces God Mother, Mrs SW decides to take on the task with the responsibility of post (you may think admirable).

So she decides to get her a christening bible, so in the bookshop, located next to the Oxford Dictionary she spies the ‘Oxford Christening Bible’ I say to her we should get that one and she replies….

“are you not forgetting your niece lives in Bedford, see if they have the Bedfordshire Christeneing Bible”

Once I had picked myself off the floor I managed to stop here asking the bookshop assistant” if the had one even though the shop was in Oxford”
I had to spit my mouthful of tea out of the window to avoid spraying my terminal! Very, very funny
 
#18
Was watching PORTSMOUTH v LIVERPOOL on the box last season.

Missus Rackcatch comes into room sees POR v LIV at top of screen as says "They playing in PORTUGAL then?" FFS! Had to go out of room, was going to wet my pants.
 
#19
Waking up on the 1st September 1997 to hear the sad news that Princess Diana had been killed, I went to wake the Ex (husband) and said to him Diana had been killed whilst the paparazzi was chasing her car......his reply was why would an opera singer be chasing her car!?! (Pavarotti)....
 
#20
Rackcatchplunger said:
Was watching PORTSMOUTH v LIVERPOOL on the box last season.

Missus Rackcatch comes into room sees POR v LIV at top of screen as says "They playing in PORTUGAL then?" FFS! Had to go out of room, was going to wet my pants.
Now that is very, very, very, funny.
 

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