split stuff

Discussion in 'The ARRSE Hole' started by clambuster, Aug 22, 2006.

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  1. Bit of blood surge on the first couple of sentences :twisted:
  2. Tell them "...but all girls swollow"
  3. Sorry, I miss read the title and though it said "How to bone your missus"......... i'll get my coat :oops:
  4. nah, thassok, stick around and tell us how daft she is :)
  5. My ex (once again) decried the fact that she didn't come from an "effluent" family....I put her straight
  6. Mine once described a puncture as, 'Flatter on the bottom than it is on the top' Honest, I'm not messing.
  7. counterstrike wrote
    That is superb!

    Only a woman could do that.
  8. Just heard a classic on Radio 2 with that stupid woman Sarah Kennedy.

    It was with refernce to Keane pulling out of some gigs, and I have copied a statement from their official website:

    Following last week's announcement that Tom has been diagnosed with exhaustion, he has admitted himself into a private clinic.

    Tom said, "I've been having to deal with an increasing problem with drink and drugs, and the time has come to get the professional help I need to sort myself out. I feel desperately disappointed to be letting down our fans, but I want to get myself right now so that I can be back on the road for the rest of the year."

    In response to the above statement, the crazy cow said on national radio...."Poor Dear....he has probably been overdoing it a bit it lately!"

    Oh why do they employ her!!!!
  9. You wouldnt swap them for the world , little luvs
  10. The most recent Ex Mrs Morty and her dealing with hiccups. I'm to place my forefinger into her ears and form a seal. She then downs a pint of water and gargles. I remove my fingers and she shakes her head like Regan from the Excorcist.

    It works for her, so it's not really bone, but it's bloody funny!
  11. I am going to steal that!

    Mrs BBR has fallen for the "Irish knock knock joke", not once but TWICE!

    For those unaware it goes as follows-

    Wait until a joke telling session develops and then pick on the most stupid person present.

    "Do you want to hear an awesome knock knock joke" you ask

    "Ok" the victim replies.

    "Ok then-you start"

    "Knock knock" replies the victim

    "Who's there?" you reply

    Then you sit back and enjoy the face of Guppy fish at feeding time.

    Not once but twice, stupid mare.( a few months apart, it has to be said)

    Even worse I got her Dad's new wife with old Billy Connelly "Prescription windscreen" routine, and she has an advanced degree in psychology and works in a high ranking post in the NHS.

    Embarrassingly, I once told my Mother that I had looked up “gullible” in the dictionary, and believe it or not, but it is not actually in there. "Really!" she replied.

    She was a teacher and a member of Mensa.
  12. Once had to rush home from work to open the front door fgor the ex ... wandered up and after a twist to the right door pops open. "Didn't do that for me!" ... so I asked her to show me. Dozy cnut was turning the key the wrong way.
  13. this was this morning , shes harping on again about her weight , as they do. " I DONT LOOK THAT BIG IF I LOOK AT MY SELF FROM A DISTANCE" couldnt help myself , i said what a mile , the bruise should go in a few days. it hurts , it hurts .
  14. That's ace!!! I'm borrowing that one for the torment of the most recent Ex Mrs Morty and my merriment! Good work fella!
  15. Santa Sunday and I took a young Scottish Lady to see Southampton v Everton at The Dell a few years back. As we walked into the ground (Shithole) I asked her if she'd ever been in a football ground. She replied "Aye, Ibrox Park"
    "Cool, who was playing?"
    "..........Simple Minds!"