Speshul Forces

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Tartan_Terrier, Mar 29, 2006.

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  1. I remember reading a Sven Hassel novel some years back where a unit of SS mongs were used for mine clearance.

    So I was wondering;

    A: If it had any basis in fact at all?

    B: Which book it was? I can't for the life of me remember.

    C: What amount of ice cream would you use to tempt them across a minefield?

    D: Which flavour would be best?

    E: If they really would be naive enough to believe that the Russians had better ice-cream than the Germans?

    F: Could there be a place for the Royal Corps of Minesweepers in today's army?

    G: Are there any alternative jobs they could do (in the event of a lack of minefields)?
  2. Damn good question, and I can't think why this wasn't posted in the Milllaaaartaria section. My research indicates that icecream trails were lain leading towards the Russian lines by special hoses, under cover of darkness. This would have frozen by daylight and the slavering mongs would be unchained with the command "Achtung, raus der mongenabteilungen, schnell, schnell". Chocolate was the preferred flavour, as it could be easily seen in the snow. An offshoot of this corps de elite were the crack anti-tank mongs, who were armed with A/T mines and trained via Pavlovian reflex techniques to attach themselves to Russian tanks and trigger their deadly cargos.
    This practice was subsequently abandoned after a training exercise went horrifically wrong, resulting in the destruction of twenty five ice cream vans at Berlin zoo. Also short lived was the concept of the all-mong panzer division, when the head -dobbers to steer the tanks were delivered without the knobs on the end, and several enlisted mongs had their heads impaled on the controls in their eagerness. At the end of the war, most personnel escaped to Argentina to avoid war crimes trials, some reputedly pushing trolleys in Buenos Aires to this day. A memorial has recently been dedicated to the forgotten window-lickers of the Third Reich, enscribed with the divisional motto "They also served who stood and dribbled".
    Hope this has helped.
  3. Ah, thank you for your detailed and informative reply.

    I presume they attached themselves to the T-34s would be by the same method with which they attach themselves to lamposts in winter?

    Was their regimental march 'Send in the Clowns' or have I been misinformed?

    I have also heard that the original version of '99 Luftballons' was the regimental march of their fallschirmjäger battalion. Is this correct?
  4. Well done chaps, I am literally crying, with emotion not merriment you understand, at this fascinating expose of the Mong SS.

    As to additional roles, could they not do Chemical decontamintion. Setting a group of dribbling mongs rip with the command
    "Icecream van, front. Clean. MOVE!"

    All the dribbling and licking would have the whole job done in a trice, me thinks.
  5. Window lickers! :lol:

    Can they get chobham armour for wheelchairs these days?
  6. Ah, airborne mongs, now that's another story. The Stossemongkommando was deployed during the attack on the Belgian fortress of Eben Emael, led by their commander Oberst-Der -Windowliker Helmuth Von Belm. These elite mongs were prepared for their mission by subsisting on a diet of mashed saurkraut and finely diced kransky sausages for a period of two weeks prior to the attack, during which they were denied toilet facilities. In the assault phase of the action, members of the carers unit, Waffen-Spastik, rolled them through the embrasures of the fortress after administering an extremely potent laxative, namely four pints of scrumpy. These deadly missiles soon lost control of their bodily functions, and in a confined space, amidst the smoke of battle,the effect of a platoon of sh1t covered bezzering mongs waving swastika ballons is better imagined than described. Suffice to say, the garrison fled in panic, screaming "Le odoure le spastique du Allemande cest formidable", thereby adding another page to the glorious history of the corps. A subsequent attempt to emulate this triumph during the invasion of Crete met with disaster, however. Deployed en masse, the Fallschirmmongsturm, now at division strength, were lured within the range of British artillery by a group of barrage balloons, cunningly painted bright red, and terrible casualties ensued. Not daring to risk his crack mong formations again, Hitler ordered that they henceforth be employed in the carpark at Tescos in Munich. An abortive attempt to involve some elements in the North African campaign was made, but Rommel couldn't be fcuked fitting tracks to the wheelchairs.
  7. I've tried a search for their unit insignia, and though it wasn't easy, I've found out what the collar badges looked like:


    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/SS_unit_insignia (couldn't find it here, all the rest seem to be here though)

    I've been reading about the training for the Fallschirmjägermongtruppen. It seems that the jumpmaster would release a load of red balloons when they were over the drop-zone in order to entice them out the door. Unfortunately there was a massive amount of casualties amongst jumpmasters in the early days as they were often knocked out of the plane in the stampede, this was rectified by automating the ballon release system.

    Are you sure the SS-mongtruppen weren't used in North Africa?
  8. They saw limited use in the Italian campaign, but were withdrawn on hygiene grounds due to a propensity to eat spaghetti bolognaise with their fingers.
  9. Wasn't there a problem with the Fallschirmjagermongtruppen training in the early days of the war? Some evidence exists that training fatalities went up alarmingly when it was discovered the peanut dribblers were climbing the risers after exit and collapsing the canopies. This was eventually solved by nailing their arms to their sides.

    As an aside, the meteorological unit did a sterling job of judging wind direction before releasing the balloons to drift across a minefield with a horde of grunting, slavering nostril miners in hot pursuit....
  10. Excellent pick up Lardbeast, but in fact the technique of nailing the arms to the sides was abandoned in the early war period due to the fact that the fallschirmongs were unable to reach their weapons. This was considered in some circles to be a good thing. As an aside, mongs were deployed at Dieppe and St Nazaire as an anti Royal Marine device, as prevalent thinking at the time suggested that Marines would lose vital time buggering window-lickers with no threat of legal repercussions and consequently not be able to place explosives. This theory has been expanded upon in Spastics Under The Swastika by David Irving.

  11. Aha - so that explains the Germans adoption of the single point parachute harness system - resulting in the elite SS (SpackenSoldaten) Fallschirmjager flailing around with their arms trying to reach behind their backs in a sort of comical "spider on the end of a thread" like dance
  12. Royal Ordance devolped a shell for the RA, in case of us tommies facing a line change from these deadly troops, the special Mr Whip shell was fired in amongst the german troops where on impact it played at 200 decibels various Ice Cream Van chimes, thus turning the attack and now the confused but still armed mongs raced amongst their own troops fully armed and primed :)

  13. Helmut von und zu Fensterlecher wrote in his wartime diaries about the procedure for weeding out potential candidates for Hitler's honour guard. Dressed in their natty marching suits, candidates would have to cross the Belmplatz which was occupied by a company of Panzermongen who'd just been freshly sprayed with melted ice cream and sprinkled with day old Black Forest cake. The object of the excercise was to test the filth repelling abilities of the spivs as they crossed the Platz in marching order. The Nodders would be in a state of total sugar fuelled Mmllaaarrring excitement by this time and would be trying to chew off each other's faces and anything else within range. Any candidate found with saliva, cake, shit, blood or ice cream stains on their uniforms after the excercise was immediately RTUed with a letter of firm disapproval in their personal folders, whereupon volunteering for the Eastern Front was the only way for them to escape total humiliation.
  14. There is a rumour and it's only a rumour mind! That Barnes Wallace had devolped a mong bomb, the 22,000 lb bomb which contained liquid ingredients at sea level, soon after flying for an hour or so at 20,000 feet turned the contents of the bomb into icecream, over a heavey mong populated area said bomb could be dropped where on impact the bomb would splatter the contents of the bomb over a wide area, where the local mong population would stampede other civilians to get there first for the best licking place, destroying buildings, vehicles and gardens in their haste was classed as secondry damage.

    Barnes Wallace totally denied he got the idea of making icecream at altitude from American bomber crews who used dustbins & milk churns to make their icecream, and then enjoyed a good old Mr Whippy on their return from a bombing run, although waffers were a bit hard to find due to rationing. Due to a bit of international argy bargy over stealing technical ideas from the USAAF, after talking to Mr Rosevelt, Churchill cancelled the project.


    Edited because I am using a mong secretary to type this for me :)
  15. I knew it. Whilst watching WW2 In coulour i couldn't put my finger on why one of the Tiger Tanks appeared Yellow and seemed to have Windows!