Spam Marine rules of engagement

Discussion in 'The Intelligence Cell' started by rabid_hamster, Jun 5, 2006.

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  1. caused coffee on the monitor today ... hope its new to arrse

    Haditha Fallout -- The Marines Are Looking for a Few Nice Polite Men

    Happily in the wake of our little Haditha problem, the US military is now training soldiers in the ethical conduct of war. But the USMC, which has borne the brunt of the latest furor is going the Army one better. Along with greater sensitivity to the conventions of combat the Corps is stressing simple R.E.S.P.E.C.T.
    The USMC's new approach to Iraqi noncombatants is modeled on the public relations outreach adopted by the NYPD in 1996 called CPR, which stood for Courtesy, Professionalism and Respect. In Iraq -- acknowledging the proud traditions of the Marine Corps -- CPR might better be written CPMR for: Courtesy, Professionalism and Massive Retaliation.

    Here's a brief excerpt from the new operating orders:

    General note to all ranks:

    Courteously address noncombatants you engage, if possible by their title and name. You may use either 'Hi' as a salutation or the colloquial Iraqi 'Halaw' ('Hello') followed by either 'Sir/Ma'am' or where known, the party's full name.

    Example: "Hi Sir/Ma'am OR Halaw Mr./Ms. Abu Abdullah ibn Muhammad ibn Idris al-Qurtubi al-Hasani, could you please... etc. etc."

    The following scenarios reflect four statistically common encounters between USMC enlisted ranks and Iraqis. Each is drawn from a specific location where encounters similar to those projected have taken place.

    Scenario #1 (Fallujah)

    "Hi/Halaw, (TITLE/NAME) could you please show good and compelling cause, according to Common Article 3 of the 4th Geneva Convention (1949) governing reasonable suspicion that an individual may be a combatant in civilian attire, why I shouldn't waste you and your ******* wife's/husband's ass?"

    (Ops note to field commanders: If there is no immediate answer to this question and/or an interpreter is not available, enlisted ranks may then waste the ******* raghead's(') ass(es)).

    Scenario 2 (Basra)

    "Hi/Halaw (TITLE/NAME), assuming that you are a noncombatant protected under Common Article 3 of the 4th Geneva Convention (1949), I am required to give you fair warning that should you not step aside so that I can waste the insurgents who I believe to be in your pathetic hovel, you will be wasted along with said sand-(n-word)s.

    (Ops note to field commanders: A. To avoid later charges of hate-speech, the euphemism 'n-word' MUST be used. B. Fair warning is defined as the time elapsed in raising an assault rifle from port position and discharging it, normally .077 secs).

    Scenario 3 (Hamadiya)

    "Hi/Halaw (TITLE/NAME), I have reasonable suspicion that the third-trimester pregnancy you/your wife are/is apparently showing is in reality 8-10 kilos of C3 and my superiors deem it safer to waste your sorry ass than I and my colleagues experiencing extreme prejudice. I apologize for this inconvenience."

    (Ops note to field commanders: Apology is obligatory. After warning and apology enlisted ranks are free to issue a peremptory warning of their own. Example: 'Meet your ******* Maker, ho''.

    Further ops note: while a pregnant woman in a combat zone is considered a hostile until proved otherwise, concern has been raised by conservative Christian circles Stateside that if the 'pregnant' woman actually is pregnant, wasting her may be a form of abortion. Enlisted ranks who find third-trimester abortion offensive to their religious beliefs should not be seconded for this scenario).

    Scenario 4 (Haditha)

    "Excuse me (TITLE/NAME), I am under intolerable pressure from the unexpected degree of hostility displayed by the populace here in (CITY YOU ARE IN) for which neither my recruiters nor commanding officers prepared me. It would greatly relieve said pressure if you would allow me to fire a few 5.56mm rounds into your child's face. Should you agree you will be eligible for a one-time payment of US$2500. Shukran! (Thanks!)"

    (Ops note to field commanders: Remember to add your thanks. If subject does not agree, ranks are authorized to blow the little *******' heads off anyway. Your guys will feel a whole lot better and the camel-jockeys will get their blood money soon enough).

    In circumstances where time pressure makes rapid response necessary you may use an ALL-PURPOSE MIRANDIZED WARNING:

    "You have the right to remain silent, you have the right to lie face down on the floor, you have the right to be accidentally shot in the back of the head with a burst of automatic fire and to receive a termination payment for your worthless carcass."
  2. uh.... yeah
  3. Kill 'em all - let Alah sort them out!
  4. It wasn't funny. Seriously. They need to punch it up a bit before I'd laugh.
  5. Are you sure it wasnt by Reggie Dyer?