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Spam Court Humour

#1
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place.

____________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

____________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
forgot?

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
morning?

WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do.

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.

________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Are you kidding? Your Honor, I think I need a different
attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

______________________________________


ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Now, whose death do you suppose terminated it?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Guess.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on
dead people?

WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you
like to rephrase that?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table,
wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________

--- And the best for last: ---

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for
a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.
 
#2
Ok, I'll at least give you a sympathy laugh seeing as no one else did.


:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:


:lol: :lol:

:lol: :lol:
:lol: :lol:
:lol: :lol:
:lol: :lol:
:lol:
.
.
.
.
.
.
.p.s. Making smiley faces with smileys is shite. There's 2 mins of my life I won't get back :evil:
 
#4
F*cking sound! :D

My favourite-

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.


I once heard- " Are you a practising homosexual?"

" No, im fully qualified" :wink:
 

Trans-sane

LE
Book Reviewer
#5
Nah. Best one for me is this:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on
dead people?

WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you
like to rephrase that?
 
#6
A Judge at Knightsbridge Crown Court many years ago was hearing a case of GBH.

The defendant, having been declared guilty by the jury, was sentenced to 9 months imprisonment. In answer to which, the defendant shouted, " I'll do that standing on my fcuking head. "

The Judge replied, " I now sentence you to an additional 9 months imprisonment for contempt of court. I hope this will get you back on your feet."
 
#7
My mate Manky the Paddy from the bar reckons this happened to him back in UK after getting nicked one night. Not sure if true but he is a good pi$s taker so I just about believe him.

He is a very switched on bloke but likes to play the eejit when it suits him, which happens to be most of the time.

Officer : Have you ever previously been arrested?
Manky : Yes oi have.
Officer : Do you have a criminal record?
Manky : No, but moi mam has a Val Doonican one.
 
#8
Bandalong said:
My mate Manky the Paddy from the bar reckons this happened to him back in UK after getting nicked one night. Not sure if true but he is a good pi$s taker so I just about believe him.

He is a very switched on bloke but likes to play the eejit when it suits him, which happens to be most of the time.

Officer : Have you ever previously been arrested?
Manky : Yes oi have.
Officer : Do you have a criminal record?
Manky : No, but moi mam has a Val Doonican one.
Where did you get that? Christmas cracker? 8O
 
#10
#11
The defendant, having been declared guilty by the jury, was sentenced to 9 months imprisonment. In answer to which, the defendant shouted, " I'll do that standing on my fcuking head. "

The Judge replied, " I now sentence you to an additional 9 months imprisonment for contempt of court. I hope this will get you back on your feet."
probably urban myth that one i have heard it a few times my dad reckons it happened to a mate of his. Except he got extra bird to recover from standing on his head
 
#13
That's a lot of urban myths on a single webpage.... :(
 
#14
Lawyer: "When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?"
Other Lawyer: "Objection. That question should be taken out and shot."

Lawyer: "The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it? You too were shot in the fracas."
Witness: "No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval."

Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?"
Witness: "I refuse to answer that question.
Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?"
Witness: "I refuse to answer that question.
Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?"
Witness: "No."

Lawyer: "How many times have you committed suicide?"
Witness: "Four times."

Lawyer: "What happened then?"
Witness: "He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'"
Lawyer: "Did he kill you?"
Witness: "No."

Lawyer: "Was that the same nose you broke as a child?"
Witness: "I only have one, you know."

Lawyer: "Can you tell us what was stolen from your house?"
Witness: "There was a rifle that belonged to my father that was stolen from the hall closet."
Lawyer: "Can you identify the rifle?"
Witness: "Yes. There was something written on the side of it."
Lawyer: "And what did the writing say?"
Witness: "'Winchester'!"

Lawyer: "Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--"
Witness: "Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment."

More here, (clicky).
 

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