Spam and Eggs . ( By Dryden Ink ) If I took advantage of all the Male Enhancement offers that have cluttered my Spam box, Id soon look like a fireplug with fifty feet of hose. If I took advantage of a tiny fraction of the Cialis and Viagra offers, the hose would be pointing at the tenth floor like a howitzer. The avalanche of such offers puzzled me, because I really dont visit websites that suggest I have a burning desire to make hot Russian babes scream. The mere thought disturbs and exhausts me, and makes me shudder to imagine the seething mob of vodka-fueled Ivans and Vladimirs I might antagonize in the process. Then, at a party, I heard a klatsch of women laughing about all the Viagra ads and offers to Enlarge their Manhood they were flooded with daily, and I felt much better. Apparently the sleaze-balls who claim they can transform cocktail weenies into bratwurst take the shotgun approach. If theyve got your email, theyre going to try to sell you the dream of genital grandeur whether youve got the required equipment or not. These emails used to really annoy me, but now I just accept the wild claims as unsolicited entertainment. Be the star of your neighborhood with your new love machine. Hm. Not in the Highlands, I dont think. I know MY neighbors wouldnt be impressed, and the dinner invitations would no doubt drop off. Loved this one: So hard you canbreak an egg. Wow. Would anyone really want to, even for Americas Got Talent? I guess it would bring a Benihana-type excitement to breakfast, but, a) Id hope to find a more constructive use for the condition; and b) the logistics just dont appeal to me. I think if I demonstrated such a skill for my wife, shed probably go with a bran muffin that morning. After reminding me where the cleaning supplies are. Id say that roughly 99 percent of the spam I get is comically misdirected. Right under a pitch for a Miracle Enlargement Pill, for example, I was asked if Ive tried the new Vaginal Mesh Patch. I havent, and frankly wouldnt know where to start. Spackle came to mind, but for what? I was chagrined to see that Single Christians in my area are looking for me. Theyre obviously not looking very hard, because Im not exactly in Witness Protection. But if theyre really looking for a thoroughly married man, then thats not very Christian of them. Apparently Black Singles Over 50 are also interested in finding me Christian or pagan wasnt specified but Im afraid theyre going to be very disappointed if they find me. Awkward English gives away a lot of scammers. The instant I saw Your pre-approved for a $5,000 loan, I knew I wouldnt be doing business with a financial professional who hasnt mastered basic contractions. And even if I wanted to Get Hight Quallity Pills Without Perscription! I probably wouldnt trust my life to a pharmacist whose pitch read like a ransom note from a Somali pirate. I found the come-on for Humongous Bouncing Boobies both eye-catching and amusing; but again, wrong target audience. Im just not a fan. Mountainous breasts have always intimidated me, like I wouldnt be man enough to make them happy. Todays offerings were particularly dramatic. Someone has allegedly Run A Background Check! on me, apparently to see if Im actually qualified to start my New Career in Law Enforcement! I can see Im not even going to have time to order my Amazing Genie Bra! that eliminates rolls, wires and adjusting straps. Glory. Humankind is saved.