Spam and Eggs

Spam and Eggs . ( By Dryden Ink )

If I took advantage of all the Male Enhancement offers that have cluttered my Spam
box, I’d soon look like a fireplug with fifty feet of hose. If I took advantage of a tiny
fraction of the Cialis and Viagra offers, the hose would be pointing at the tenth floor
like a howitzer.

The avalanche of such offers puzzled me, because I really don’t visit websites that
suggest I have a burning desire “to make hot Russian babes scream.” The mere
thought disturbs and exhausts me, and makes me shudder to imagine the seething mob
of vodka-fueled Ivans and Vladimirs I might antagonize in the process.

Then, at a party, I heard a klatsch of women laughing about all the Viagra ads and
offers to Enlarge their Manhood they were flooded with daily, and I felt much better.
Apparently the sleaze-balls who claim they can transform cocktail weenies into bratwurst
take the shotgun approach. If they’ve got your email, they’re going to try to sell
you the dream of genital grandeur whether you’ve got the required equipment or not.
These emails used to really annoy me, but now I just accept the wild claims as unsolicited
entertainment. “Be the star of your neighborhood with your new love machine.”
Hm. Not in the Highlands, I don’t think. I know MY neighbors wouldn’t be impressed,
and the dinner invitations would no doubt drop off.

Loved this one: “So hard you canbreak an egg.” Wow. Would anyone really want to,
even for “America’s Got Talent”?

I guess it would bring a Benihana-type excitement to breakfast, but, a) I’d hope to find
a more constructive use for the condition; and b) the logistics just don’t appeal to me.
I think if I demonstrated such a skill for my wife, she’d probably go with a bran muffin
that morning. After reminding me where the cleaning supplies are.

I’d say that roughly 99 percent of the spam I get is comically misdirected. Right under
a pitch for a Miracle Enlargement Pill, for example, I was asked if I’ve tried the “new
Vaginal Mesh Patch.” I haven’t, and frankly wouldn’t know where to start. Spackle
came to mind, but for what?

I was chagrined to see that Single Christians in my area are looking for me. They’re
obviously not looking very hard, because I’m not exactly in Witness Protection. But if
they’re really looking for a thoroughly married man, then that’s not very Christian of
them. Apparently Black Singles Over 50 are also interested in finding me – Christian or pagan
wasn’t specified – but I’m afraid they’re going to be very disappointed if they find me.

Awkward English gives away a lot of scammers. The instant I saw “Your pre-approved
for a $5,000 loan,” I knew I wouldn’t be doing business with a financial professional who hasn’t
mastered basic contractions.

And even if I wanted to “Get Hight Quallity Pills Without Perscription!” I probably wouldn’t trust
my life to a pharmacist whose pitch read like a ransom note from a Somali pirate.

I found the come-on for Humongous Bouncing Boobies both eye-catching and amusing;
but again, wrong target audience. I’m just not a fan. Mountainous breasts have
always intimidated me, like I wouldn’t be man enough to make them happy.

Today’s offerings were particularly dramatic. Someone has allegedly “Run A Background
Check!” on me, apparently to see if I’m actually qualified to start my “New
Career in Law Enforcement!”

I can see I’m not even going to have time to order my “Amazing Genie Bra!” that
eliminates rolls, wires and adjusting straps. Glory. Humankind is saved.


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