Soviet Jokes

Discussion in 'Miscellaneous Jokes' started by BigRonW, Aug 24, 2011.

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  1. I remembered one of these for the "Who won the Cold War?" Thread... it seemed to be well received. Elsewhere, a new young ARRSEr assured readers that according to his girlfriend's mum (who came from East Germany) there was NO QUEUEING FOR SCARCE ITEMS in the old DDR. Strange that the DDR produced a large range of "shaggy dog" stories (known as "Haeschen Witze" - "Little hare Jokes") specifically to pass the time when... standing in those non-existent queues. The Ost-Blok produced loads of excellent - usually politically themed - jokes; most of the ones I heard date from the 1970's. This one's my all time favourite.

    Lenin in Zurich.

    An item appears on the agenda of the praesidium of the USSR, that they have to decide how they're going to celebrate the anniversary of the triumphal return of Comrade Lenin from Zurich, to the Finland Railway station of Petrograd, sparking the Bolshevik Revolution by so doing. Someone suggests a statue... and gets shouted down. "Comrade, don't you know that there's already a fine statue of Lenin at the station?!" After a considerable amount of heated debate, they decide to commission an oil painting, to be hung in a place of honour in the Kremlin. The head of the Artists' union is deputed to pick the nation's best painter of heroic scenes to do the job. He returns the following day to report a slight problem... the best painter in the country is, unfortunately currently detained at a labour camp in the Kola Peninsula. The Head of the Interior ministry issues a pardon, and arranges transport back to Moscow for him. A couple of day later, the painter arrives at the Kremilin, and the commission is explained to him. They ask him what he will need. The Artist says he'll need a studio, absolute privacy, several dozen cases of Vodka, and a long list of materials. And he adds the stipulation that NOBODY is allowed to see the painting before it's finished.

    He;s provided with everything he asked for, and weeks pass. ON the day before the anniversary, a phone call from the studio is put through to the Kremlin, and the slightly inebriated artist is summoned to bring the finished painting. He arrives, with a small team of KGB guards, carrying an enormous canvas, which is tightly wrapped in brown paper. The guards prop the canvas against a wall, and depart. The members of the Central Committee insist on seeing their celebratory painting, and with a flourish the artist rips off the wrapping. "Gentlemen, I give you... "Lenin in Zurich!"

    The picture shows - life sized - a garret room, through the open window of which can be seen in the distance spire of the Cathedral of St Peter and St Paul, in Leningrad. The room contains a large unmade bed, upon which Maria Krupskaya is lying, naked. On the other side of the room sitting and washing himself from a china bowl is Trotsky. The committee contemplate the painting in stunned silence for a moment or two, and then Comrade Brezhnev manages to demand... "What the Fuck? WHERE'S LENIN???!!!"

    And the artist replies "He's in Zurich!"

    (The joke is probably funnier to people who are aware that Maria Krupskaya was also known as "Mrs Lenin".)
    • Like Like x 6
  2. I remember one about a Trabant and a plumber except I can't remember how it goes. Or maybe it was an East German joke, I can't really remember.
  3. Could it have been this one?

    Bloke goes into a Garage to get his Trabant fixed. The mechanic explains that due to the difficulty in getting parts, it's going to take five years to repair. The bloke says "OK, but should I collect it in the morning or the afternoon?" The mechanic, puzzled, says "It's FIVE YEARS AWAY! What do you care whether it's morning or afternoon?" And the bloke explains "Well, The plumber said he'd be there to fix the drain in five years time, and he's coming in the afternoon."
  4. what defines happines in the USSR.
    when the KGB knock on teh door and ask for mikhail devanovitch and you say-he lives 3 doors down and close the door.

    Chap is arrested for yelling in red square that the president is an idiot.
    he goes to trial
    judge listens and says-1 year for insulting the president and 30 years for revealing a state secret
  5. Mr_Fingerz

    Mr_Fingerz LE Book Reviewer

    Why did soviet policemen go around in pairs?

    One to read and write, and one to keep an eye on the dangerous intellectual.
    • Like Like x 1
  6. A soviet general and an American general meet up and begin bragging about which side has the best equipped and fed troops.
    The Soviet General says "My troops are so well fed they have 2000 Calories a day to eat".
    The American General says "That's nothing, my men eat 4000 Calories a day".
    Russian General "Nonsense, nobody can eat that many Potatoes".

    A flock of sheep were stopped by frontier guards at the Russo-Finnish border. "Why do you wish to leave Russia?" the guards asked them. "It's the NKVD", replied the terrified sheep. "Beria's ordered them to arrest all elephants." "But you aren't elephants!" the guards pointed out. "Try telling that to the NKVD!"

    “What is the most permanent feature of our socialist economy?”
    “Temporary shortages.”

    There is a great book "Hammer and Tickle" about the history of Soviet Jokes. It's a great book. Was it jokes that defeated Communism? - Telegraph

    This joke it it is pretty good... A Russian goes to buy a car in Moscow, pays for it, and is told by the salesman that he can collect it on a particular date in 10 years' time. The buyer thinks for a moment and then asks: 'Morning or afternoon?' The salesman, astonished by the question, asks: 'What difference does it make?' And the buyer answers: 'Well, the plumber is coming in the morning.'
    • Like Like x 2
  7. Wow... six posts, and THIS joke has made three appearances!
  8. Comrade BigRon, I have spotted a serious flaw in your report on socialism the the Soviet Union "and the slightly inebriated artist is summoned to bring the finished painting". No self respecting Soviet citizen would ever turn up to such an occasion without being very/terminally inebriated or at least immediately starting to get into such a state!
  9. US General visiting the USSR gets to meet some Soviet conscripts.

    The first conscript is introduced by a Soviet officer:

    “Who is your mother and father, soldier?” asks the officer.

    “My mother is the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics and my father is the Communist Party, comrade SIR!” replies the conscript.

    “And do you have any ambition, soldier?” continues the officer.

    “To liberate the workers of the world from capitalist oppression even at the cost of my life, Comrade SIR!”

    As the visiting General proceeds down the line each conscript is introduced and asked the same question which receives the same answer until the General gets to one…

    “Who is your mother and father, soldier?” asks the officer.

    “My mother is the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics and my father is the Communist Party, comrade SIR!” replies the conscript.

    “And do you have any ambition, soldier?” continues the officer.

    “To be an orphan, Comrade SIR!”
    • Like Like x 1
  10. Forgive me if I have posted this before, it was told to me by a Soviet citizen as a true story during the Cold War, but I have never seen it in print. You should first know that in Moscow and St Petersburg there are two statues of Pushkin (Russia's Shakespeare). The one in Moscow shows him standing and the one in St. Petersburg has him sitting down. Unfortunately I can't work out how to attach photos here, but you can use Google images to see them. There was a tramp who used to get drunk and fall asleep every day on a bench facing the statue of Pushkin in Moscow. Two Soviet air force officers decided to play a trick on him. After he fell asleep one day, they picked him up and flew him to St. Petersburg (then called Leningrad), where they left him on a bench facing the statue of Pushkin. When he woke up he was confused, asking why Pushkin was sitting down. He caused such a commotion that the police were called, and they worked out what had happened. The officers got into trouble, but I don't know what happened to them.
  11. A man is standing in line buy a bottle of vodka from a liquor store. After waiting for a few hours he snaps and screams “I can't fuckin’ take these restrictions anymore - I’m going to the Kremlin and I’m going to fucking kill Gorbachev!” Everyone cheers and he storms off. About half an hour later he comes marching back and elbows back into his place in the queue. “So, did you kill Gorbachev?” asks the guy in front of him. “No,” he says, “I got to the Kremlin but the line to kill Gorbachev was too long, so I decided to come back and wait for my vodka.”
  12. It used to be said that you could see Siberia from the cellars of the Lubyanka building (KGB HQ) in Moscow.
  13. During a party at the UN, the American and Russian ambassadors have a disagreement, but both being diplomats they agree to settle it by non-violent means: a running race. The US Ambassador wins the race comfortably. Two days later, the race is covered on the front page of Pravda. "Diplomatic race triumph. Russian comes second... American comes last-but one."
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  14. The Six Paradoxes of Communism: 1. Everyone has a job, but no one actually does any work. 2. No one actually does any work, but production targets are always reached. 3. Production targets are always reached, but the shops are always empty. 4. The shops are always empty, but everyone has all they need. 5. Everyone has all they need, but no one is happy. 6. No one is happy, but they always vote the Communists back in.
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  15. Towards the end of the Second World War, Hungary is occupied by the Soviet army and all streets, squares, institutions are renamed. People who continue to use the old names are arrested and beaten up by the communists.
    Immediately after the occupation, an old man from a village, visit's the country's capital, Budapest.
    He gets lost. Not knowing that the streets have been renamed, he ask people for various place names.
    Old man: "Excuse me, sir, where is the "Heroes' square"?
    Pedestrian # 1: "No, old man, don't use that name! It's "Stalin Square" now!"
    Old man: "Excuse me, sir, where is the "Chain Bridge"?
    Pedestrian # 2: "Oh my God! Don't use the old name of the bridge! It's "Red Army Bridge" now! If you say that once more, you could get into jail, be careful!"
    The old man gets terrified and takes a walk on the bank of river Danube.
    He's spotted by a soviet officer who shouts at him with anger.
    Soviet officer: "'Ay, old komrade! What 'r' ya lookin' at?"
    Old man: "Nothing! I'm just admiring the Volga!"

    Lots more here:

    Top Ten Communist Jokes

    Cold War Jokes - Life under communism: jokes about communism and life in the Cold War era

    100 Russian Jokes