Sorry I had to..

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Boxy, Apr 17, 2007.

Welcome to the Army Rumour Service, ARRSE

The UK's largest and busiest UNofficial military website.

The heart of the site is the forum area, including:

  1. Got this via e-mail so had to post it!!

    BIG QUIZ (LBC)
    Gary King: Name the funny men who once entertained kings and queens at court.
    Contestant: Lepers.
    QUIZMANIA (ITV)
    Greg Scott: We're looking for an occupation beginning with 'T'.
    Contestant: Doctor.
    Scott: No, it's 'T'. 'T' for Tommy. 'T' for Tango. 'T' for Tintinnabulation.
    Contestant: Oh, right . . . (pause) . . . Doctor.
    DANNY KELLY SHOW (RADIO WM)
    Kelly: Which French Mediterranean town hosts a famous film festival every year?
    Contestant: I don't know, I need a clue.
    Kelly: OK. What do beans come in?
    Contestant: Cartons?
    BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
    Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
    Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.
    Theakston: There's a clue in the title.
    Contestant: Leicester.
    BBC NORFOLK
    Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
    Contestant: I don't know.
    White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
    Contestant: Arm.
    White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're . . .?
    Contestant: Strong.
    White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
    Contestant: Louis.
    White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
    Contestant: Frank Sinatra?
    LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS)
    Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy?
    Contestant: France.
    Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
    Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
    Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
    Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.
    Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
    Contestant: Paris.
    UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
    Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?
    Contestant: Homosexuals.
    Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.
    THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
    Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: prison, or the Conservative Party?

    Contestant: The Conservative Party.
    BEACON RADIO (WOLVERHAMPTON)
    DJ Mark: For Pounds 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
    Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?
    RICHARD AND JUDY (ITV/C4)
    Q: How many wheels are there on a unicycle?
    A: Three.
    THE WEAKEST LINK
    Anne Robinson: In traffic, what 'J' is where two roads meet?
    Contestant: Jool carriageway?
    UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
    Bamber Gascoigne: What was Gandhi's first name?
    Contestant: Goosey, goosey?
    RICHARD AND JUDY
    Q: How many metres are there in a kilometre?
    A: Three.
    GWR FM (Bristol)
    Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
    Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.
    TALKSPORT
    Andy Townsend: How many wheels does a tricycle have?
    Caller: Two.
    Townsend: The Beatles were known as the Fab . . .?
    Caller: Five.
    24 HOUR QUIZ (ITV)
    Unseen questionmaster: Who sang the song 'Je t'aime' with Jane Birkin?
    Two contestants (given a choice of three answers): Jacques Chirac.
    RICHARD AND JUDY
    Q: Which Danish city is famous for its statue of a mermaid?
    A: Denmark.
    RTE RADIO 2FM (IRELAND)
    Presenter: What is the name of the long- running TV comedy show about pensioners: Last Of The ...?
    Caller: Mohicans.
    QUIZMANIA
    Greg Scott: We're looking for a word that goes in front of 'clock'.
    Contestant: Grandfather.
    Scott: Grandfather clock is already up there, say something else.
    Contestant: Panda.
    PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO MANCHESTER)
    Phil: What's 11 squared?
    Contestant: I don't know.
    Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
    Contestant: Is it five?
    RICHARD AND JUDY
    Q: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
    A: Forrest Gump.
    WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE?
    Tarrant (asking the audience): 'Jambon' is the French for which food?
    Audience: 11 per cent said jam.
    RICHARD AND JUDY
    Leslie: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
    Contestant: Er . . .
    Leslie: He makes bread .. .
    Contestant: Er . . .
    Leslie: He makes cakes .. .
    Contestant: Kipling Street?
    NATION VACATION (NATION 217 TV)
    Presenter: Which of these is a city in Germany: Hanoi, Hanover or Hangover?
    Contestant: Hanoi.
    MAGIC 52 (NORTHEAST ENGLAND)
    Presenter: In what year was President Kennedy assassinated?
    Contestant: Erm .. .
    Presenter: Well, let's put it this way - he didn't see 1964.
    Contestant: 1965?
    SIMPLY THE BEST (ITV)
    Phil Tufnell: How many Olympic Games have been held?
    Contestant: Six.
    Tufnell: Higher!
    Contestant: Five.
    RICHARD AND JUDY
    Q: What's the Prince of Wales's Christian name?
    A: Err . . .
    Q: Here's a clue: he was married to Diana.
    A: Err . . .
    Q: It begins with a 'C'.
    A: No idea.
    MAGIC FM
    Graham Dene: What was the name of Tony Blair's chief spin-doctor who resigned last year?
    Contestant: Iain Duncan Smith.
    FORT BOYARD (CHALLENGE TV)
    Jodie Marsh: Arrange these two groups of letters to form a word - CHED and PIT.
    Team: Chedpit.
    LINCS FM PHONE-IN
    Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
    Contestant: Barcelona.
    Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
    Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain.
    RADIO 1 EARLY MORNING SHOW
    Presenter: How many toes would three people have in total?
    Contestant: 23.
    NOTTS AND CROSSES QUIZ (BBC RADIO NOTTINGHAM)
    Jeff Owen: In which country is Mount Everest?
    Contestant (long pause): Er, it's not in Scotland, is it?
    THE MICK GIRDLER SHOW (BBC RADIO SOLENT)
    Girdler: I'm looking for an island in the Atlantic whose name includes the letter 'e'.
    Contestant: Ghana.
    Girdler: No, listen. It's an island in the Atlantic Ocean.
    Contestant: New Zealand.
    NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
    Question: What is the world's largest continent?
    Contestant: The Pacific
    ROCK FM (PRESTON)
    Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo Da Vinci.
    Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?
    THE VAULT (ITV)
    Melanie Sykes: In which European city was the first opera house opened in 1637?
    Contestant: Sydney.
    THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
    Steve Le Fevre: What was signed to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
    Contestant: Magna Carta.
    JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
    O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?
    Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... er . . er . . . three?
    NATIONAL LOTTERY
    Eamonn Holmes: There are three states of matter: solid, liquid and what?
    Contestant: Jelly.
    RICHARD ALLINSON SHOW (RADIO 2)
    Allinson: What international brand shares its name with the Greek goddess of victory?
    Contestant (after long deliberation): Erm, Kellogg's?
    BLIND DATE (ITV)
    Girl: Name a book written by Jane Austen.
    Boy: Charlotte Bronte.
    STEVE PENK BREAKFAST SHOW (VIRGIN RADIO)
    Steve Penk: What is the name of the French-speaking Canadian state?
    Contestant: America? Portugal? Canada? Mexico? Italy? Spain?
    CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL)
    Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna?
    Caller: Japan.
    Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
    Caller: Er . . . Mexico?
    OWEN MONEY SHOW (BBC RADIO WALES)
    Owen Money: In 30 seconds, name as many well-known politicians as you can.
    Caller: Er, Tony Brown. And Nigel Benn. (Silence.)
    KELLY TODAY (ITV)
    Lorraine Kelly: How many days in a leap year?
    Contestant: 253.
    THE VAULT
    Gabby Logan: What is the county town of Kent?
    Contestant: Kentish Town?
    DOG EAT DOG (BBC1)
    Ulrika Jonsson: Who wrote Lord of the Rings?
    Contestant: Enid Blyton
    DAVE LEE TRAVIS SHOW (BREEZE FM)
    DLT: In which European country are there people called Walloons?
    Contestant: Wales.
    PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE)
    Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
    Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.
    NATIONAL LOTTERY
    Eamonn Holmes: Dizzy Gillespie is famous for playing . .. what?
    Contestant: Basketball.
    NOTTS AND CROSSES QUIZ
    Jeff Owen: Where did the D-Day landings take place?
    Contestant (after pause): Pearl Harbor?
    SEE HEAR SATURDAY (BBC2)
    Presenter: What country does the spiritual leader the Dalai Lama come from?
    Contestant: Scotland.
    JANICE FORSYTH SHOW (BBC RADIO SCOTLAND)
    Janice Forsyth: What is the currency in India?
    Contestant: Ramadan.
    DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
    Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
    Contestant: Holland?
    Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
    Contestant: Iceland? Ireland?
    Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel?
    Contestant: No.
    PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
    Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
    Contestant: Er . . .
    Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor . . .
    Contestant: Blimey?
    Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . .
    Contestant: (Silence)
    Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . .
    Contestant: Walked?
    NATIONAL LOTTERY
    Dale Winton: Skegness is a seaside resort on the coast of which sea: a) Irish Sea, b) English Channel, c) North Sea?
    Contestant: Oh, I know that, you can start writing out the cheque now, Dale. It's on the east coast, so it must be the Irish Sea.

    THE VAULT
    Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
    Contestant: Nostalgic.
    LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)
    Presenter: What religion was Guy Fawkes?
    Contestant: Jewish.
    Presenter: That's close enough.
    BOB HOPE BIRTHDAY QUIZ (LBC)
    Presenter: Bob Hope was the fifth of how many sons?
    Contestant: Four.
    BREAKFAST SHOW, RADIO 1
    Chris Moyles: Which 'S' is a kind of whale that can grow up to 80 tonnes?
    Contestant: Ummm .. .
    Moyles: It begins with 'S' and rhymes with 'perm'.
    Contestant: Shark.
    STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
    Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loincloth did he play?
    Contestant: Jesus.
    BRAINTEASER (CHANNEL 5)
    Presenter: Which literary hunchback lived in Notre Dame and fell in love with Esmeralda?
    Contestant: Nostradamus.
     
  2. Seen most of them before but a real thick as pig sh1t compilation.

    And I learnt something.
     
  3. At least you broke free
     
  4. Hadn't you found that out yet then?

    Probably because you're stuck up North... You should try Mokum; don't forget to bring your Shekels!
     
  5. There's more sheep than people here and they don't seem to spend much.
     
  6. That's why they're minted
     
  7. And nobody pulls the wool over their eyes.
     
  8. I know, no need to ram it home
     
  9. :lol: Didnt laugh much :lol: