son 15 going off rails need advice

Discussion in 'The Other Half' started by whatever, Jun 29, 2007.

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  1. This is a cry for help... I have totally run out of ideas of what to do... let me explain how it started

    I had a call from the school yesterday afternoon about my son who is just 15 and was at the time on a D of E expedition in Dorset. The night before, it seems, he had mixed with another group of lads from a different school and got so drunk that he threw up in his tent and over his friend’s things from 3am in the morning. He was the only one from his school group who sneaked out late at night to join this other school group to do this. The school have said he now is on suspension and not allowed back to school this term and could get kicked out....he goes to a private school locally as the states schools are so bad with drugs and drink!!! (Ironic) I have asked him why he did this he said...'I don't know.' he now says he was forced by the other group.....after further investigation this has been admitted as a lie - he now says it was he wanted to be cool!

    He has a younger 13yr old brother who is ADHD and OCD who attempted suicide at Easter, who is very close to him….. even though they fight like cat and dog. But even he was shocked by his older brother’s actions and I was very surprised by his comments to his brother (not able to type them here!) He only has had one other incident with alcohol and this was 2 bottles of larger at a friend’s house and this was dealt with by grounding and telephone removal. The family talk around the table, do things together, they go to ACF twice a week, play sports for county and for fun and everyone is so surprised by this. Could it be due to the fact I have to work more hours??? Should I have been harder on him as a kid? Can it be he only see’s his real dad every 2 weeks and he doesn’t really spend quality time with him?

    I have grounded him, taken his phone off him, set him jobs to do around the house, he not allowed treats..... He is seeing a Captain who he admires and respects at 14:00hrs today to tell him the truth about his idea of joining the army at 18 - but will this work??? Any advice please I really need it.
     
  2. maybe it's just a phase he's going through, most lads do around that age!
     
  3. I can't offer much advice but can tell you that my daughter can say some vile things in an attempt to hurt, and looking back I did the same to my parents. It has been pointed out to me that all teenagers are the same in this, and they do grow out of it, my daughter is now 17 and uses the statements as a weapon when she feels that she can't get control of the situation but it has decreased as she has matured. She also uses it to try and push my partner away to see if he'll treat her as her father did.

    As for the drink, yep been there too at around the same age, did the grounding etc, decided in the end after a discussion with her that I wouldn't make a 'big' thing over it and make it attractive. I told her that if she wanted to have a drink now and then she could, at home with me. As it was no longer a taboo, she lost interest, within a couple of months it was not cool, she never actually had that drink in front of me though because permission had been granted. Now she is allowed out with her friends from college etc and I know that she has a drink at the pub but she drinks sensibly and cannot understand those who don't, she has learnt that drinking to extreme isn't cool and she learnt it at a younger age than I did.

    Good luck
     
  4. Gudday mate. Just come throught the terrible age of 15 not too long ago, and am fairly familiar with this sort of situation, except on the other side! But yeah I can really see whereyou are coming from mate. Its actually quite hard to think of good advice, but Ill do what I can.
    What I suggest is that you, well almost act as if you "don't care". One thing that kids find quite hard (generally, not sure if its the same with you), is to talk confidentally with parents, generally afraid of "the unknown". So if you act friendly, and as the "good guy", maybe he will find it easier so talk etc. This probably didn't make a lick of sense. But yeah I think Banshee put it well when saying "it's just a phase he's going through", because that is hopefully all it is
     
  5. Alsacien

    Alsacien LE Moderator

    This is good advice, an approach that seems to be paying off so far with my son who is approaching 15.
    You are still the biggest influence on your children and you need to consider your own drinking habits and how they are interpreted by your kids, think very carefully here....
     
  6. See PM.
     
  7. i have just this week turned 18, and at a family meal didnt get drunk, but had a drink... i didnt see the point of getting drunk infront of family and the most important family member to me my nan, my mothers side of the family all drink and often get drunk (my mum can go though a bottle of wine a night) after my nan left to go home the drink started to run faster and my mother soon got very drunk, me not seeing the point getting overly drunk and more so with family (i mean how sad do you haev to be to get drunk with your mother)... i was put off drink before i even had a drop of it, when my mother was with her long term boyfriend (tw@t) they both got drunk alot and all i knew at the time was when people are drunk people get violent, abusive, and argumentative and when its aimed at you at a young age mostly pre and early teen life then you dont facny becoming the monster that you lived with back then... anyways after coming home after the family meal on my birthday my mum became very unplessent using my brother and sister you are both too young to know better "O*** if it was your 18th would you get drunk?", O - "yes mum" (just turned 16 and never been drunk in his life) "T***** would you?" T -"yes mum" (just turned 13) "then why didn't your sh!t head brother"

    yes when you 18 your ment to enjoy yourself and get drunk, but i dont fancy getting drunk and being sick everywhere i too did that at a younger age and it fcuked up an important time of my life (GCSE)... so looks like my mother not only hasnt grown out of it but is feeling hat its a way that her 13 year old daughter and 16 year old son should act and insults me for not getting paraletic infront of family...

    i wish i had a more understanding mum like you, a fear that my brother and sister have nothing to look forward to apart from being drunk...
    ----------------------------------------------------
    since i was 5 i only saw my dad every other weekend, and as above lived with a not so good role model of a man... and like to think that im on the right track, iv had a steady relationship with the same girl for 3years, just finished a 2year college course, i dont go out and get paraletic everynight, i havnt cheated or even thought about it (after spending my whole life with drunks and cheaters) and i have plans for my life resit my english and maths GCSE and join the army (ok ill stop bragging now)

    what im trying to say is dont think its because he doesn't see his father alot, i saw what i didnt want to be a changed. peer pressure can be a very strong thing at 15, it was for me... what the people said about 'be cool about it' is a good idea but dont go the the extreams that my mother did, set limits talk to him as if you was just one of his friends (about this matter) tell him personal stories starting with 'the reason i worry is...' at this age you never know what will happen, you can still change them but it also take a bit of 'wanting to change from them' for it to happen, i hope i didnt bore you with my personal stories :roll: and hope that they help

    good luck
    PP
     
  8. I had the same problems with my lad at 15. I didnt shout or jump about but sat down and spoke to him as an adult. explained that I could understand him wanting to drink, as I had at that age, but pointed out it had to be done responsibly. I have heard all the excuses for him getting drunk but at the end of the day its a bit of rebellion. His problem was he thought he should be given more freedom and not be treated as a child. I admitted I could see where he was coming from and agreed to the lease being loosened but warned him that the lease would be tighted if he overstepped the mark. Never had a problem with him since. Seems the more responsibilities you give kids the more they rise to prove themselves. You mentioned his younger brother attempting suicide, did he get any counselling about that. That me be they key. All the best.
     
  9. PP,

    that is one excellent post and no bragging involved from what I could see. Looks like you've got your head well and truely screwed on right - not least in your obvious understanding that the past (eg: lack of contact with your dad) obviously affects your experience of life, but how you choose to use that experience is entirely up to you both now and in the future.

    This site gets a lot of teenagers coming on saying "they hope to sign on" and most of them get a pretty hard time because they've obviously got nothing going for them. If you do decide to join then I get the feeling you'll do well :)

    Whatever,

    perhaps your son might benefit from reading PP's post himself?
     
  10. Shouldn't the school take some responsibility in this, how did they let the children sneak out to the pub? Seems very harsh that your son has been suspended when if proper supervision had been exercised this would never have have happened in the first place. Also have they not taken into account recent family circumstances? I hope things work out, best of luck.
     
  11. Very good post, PP, and well done you for taking charge of your own destiny! :)
     
  12. your post pp is so great and I have taken all advice under my hat. The school have now decided not to exclude him permantly but he is not allowed back this term. They are now aware that 2 more kids are involved... so lets see what happens

    my son has written a letter to me and trie to explain his actions and we have talked about it. He understand his grounding but I have contemplated the 'you can have alcohol in the house senario' .

    again thanks for advice
     
  13. Pred, time and time again you have shown to have your head really well screwed on, you'll do well.

    I come from a family that doesn't really drink, I mean dad liked a glass of wine with dinner once in a while and thats it. I find it strange to drink around my parents, even now as I know they don't drink much so I just feel out of place.

    Whatever, I hope your son has accepted the consequences of his actions and you have more of an understanding of the situation, look at it this way he's found the down fall of too much drink - the throwing up, that might put him off for a while?
     
  14. title was a bit harsh... has he gone off the rails or just trying to be "grown up"?

    how many of us had tried alcohol when underage got bladdered and puked up all over the place?.
    Ok he done it in a school activity, tta bit is awrong and now he has to ace the consequences of his actions.

    Time will tell if it is a one off occasion because he was away from family, etc.
    possibly... don't condemn him too much for an error of judgement? but yes as you have done it cannot go unpunished IMHo if for nothing else letting down his family and school
     
  15. As a step parent I can sympathise with your predicament my youngest stepson did much the same thing and it is difficult as a step parent,I found that treating all of our children mine even though they don't live with me and my stepsons as equal in all respects has got throught the teenage trauma years virtually unscathed!. it seems to me that your son was bigging it up with his mates and being inexperienced with drink did what we all did at his age and had too much, having worked with cadets as an ACF Det Cmnd I have first hand experience with what they get up to on expeditions, I found that establishing respect by allowing a bit of leeway so that he felt that he was being treated as an adult at times helped with comunications, we also resorted to carrott and stick with-holding things tv playstation ect for fixed periods but paying for other things, trendy clothing, football tickets ect so that a reward system was established this worked quite well but at times the teenage rebellion thing still kicked in, if you think back we all did this thing at one time so don't be too hard on your self and start jumping around when things like this occur it happens to all young people and whilst shocking and embarrasing is part of maturing, trying to teach our young people the right way is at times hard but worth while and just to burst your bubble mate he's still at home is 19 is better behaved but still has his moments so just stick with it it all works out in the end!! good luck and PM me if you need to let off steam or want some support there are lots of us steppers around and someone who knows where your coming from can be invaluable.