Sometimes you just cant resist!

#1
Does anyone else find themselves battling with that little devil on your shoulder......what i mean is sometimes the opportunity arises to commit a random act of cruelty and after a short wrestle with your conscience .....you just cant resist!

Last month for example, the better half was sitting in the living room watching the box, I was in the kitchen (where I belong yeah, yeah) anyway he shouts through that he’s got a headache and can I pass him some paracetamol .
So I trot over to the cupboard and reach in to get them when I spy a box of Preparation H Suppositories (you know, that you stick up your arrse for hemorrhoidal symptoms). Anyway the devil won and I walked into the living room and handed him a couple,
"there you go love, got these the other day, great pain killers, did wonders for the PMT, only thing is you have to chew them" with that he popped them in and began to chew!
It took all I had not to explode into fits of laughter, especially when he piped up with "Gawd, they could have made em' taste fruity or something”

Surely I cant be the only one with this affliction……?
 
#2
You sick, sick, evil, ^**+ :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: Frock

How could you do that to the one you love :?: :?: :?: :?: I hope he finds out and you get your just deserves :lol: :lol: :lol:
 
#3
My mate garry , who's an ex jacket , now works with "problem children"
ie little f*ckers and loves stitching the little cnuts up.
one day , one of his "clients" in his normal charming manner says "gis ten fags" Garry says "well that depends"
"on what?" says young chav
"on wether you take the encona west indian hot pepper sauce challenge"
"what do i have to do?" says now confused scumbag.
"eat a tablespoon of it , and keep it in your mouth without spewing or spitting it out for 1 minute"
"f**k off" says chav
"no fags for you then sonny" says a smug Garry.
long and short is chav accepts challenge , eats liquid napalm death and strangely enough turns purple and can't breathe for 2 minutes.
after this Garry calmly pulls the 10 fags out of his pocket that he had all along... just wanted to put the little f**ker through the hoops :lol: :lol:
 
#4
On the off chance that I am, I’ve already dug the hole so I might as well dig a little deeper….and tell you about my other random act of cruelty last week…..

I was staying the night with a friend and we were sat in the kitchen gossiping and scoffing some toast & with dairylea in a vain attempt to soak up some of the alcohol.

Anyway she has a cat and it kept rubbing its self around my legs,……me not being a pet lover i promptly asked “what the fcuk does it want?”. “Oh it’s the Dairylea, she loves it” replied my mate, who then got up and left the kitchen for the bog.

At the same time I spotted one of those 9volt square battery type things sitting in the fruit bowl………and up popped the devil saying do it, do it…..!
So I stuck the terminals of the battery in the tub of Dairylea and called the cat over and held it out! :twisted: :twisted:

Gawd did I howl, every time its tongue touched both terminals it jumped back about 4ft …. it really must have loved Dairylea cause it kept coming back for more…..!
:lol:

PS...no animals were harmed (well not perminantly) in the making of this post!
 
#5
cait, just in the last two days you have proved to be an evil , twisted , farting in the face , crapping in a bag , breaking your wrist through random sexual acts, mentalist....... and i salute you.
 
#7
While out on the streets (for a change), i met up with a probationer my mate was puppy walking. We wandered further down the road and hear shouting, being the dutiful officers we are, we leg it over. Woman stood shouting at her house, we ask whats up "my ex-husband is in there and hes going to set himself alight with my baby!" sure enough, you can see the hubby stood in the front window with a petrol can.

Now this story, for some wont be funny i.e kids and burning alive.

To skip the boring part, the street is cordoned off. Sergeant walks over, right constable come here - this to the probationer. Right as your the smallest the way this is going to work is you are going to be thrown in via the window, you have to knock him to the floor" Probationer: "what? threw the window? at him?" Sergeant: "yes, dont worry you will be in full riot gear. what you need to do is make sure you hit him to the ground then role out of the way, if your in the way you'll get stamped on by the lads coming in the door - you understand?"

The probationer is visibly shaking and has gone an odd colour. Probationer to me and mate "hes joking isnt he?" us: "by the looks of that gear hes bringing over to you..... no" > Probationer throws up <. Sergeant "right clean yourself up lad and get this kit on", with the shaking he was doing we help him get his gear on. His knees were actually knocking, Sergeant returns with the two biggest fùckers i've ever seen, sergeant "right, these will throw you in, lets go".

This was all happening behind a wall of vans, they walk off - probationer lifts up visor to puke again. they walk round to the front of house... to see the idiot covered in petrol being... gently removed from the premises and the baby in the arms of a paramedic.

Ive never heard anyone swear so much as that probationer :lol: , nor had i ever seen an Inspector laugh - until then :D
 
#8
ex-dvr1 said:
Cait!!! these random!!!! events are starting to excalate, are yuou sure they are random and not premeditated? :wink: :lol:
Better keep quiet about the bird table, bread crumbs, metal plate, car battery and case of Stella incident then! 8O :lol:
 
#9
Evil, me? Never...well okay there was this one.......

Was at friends house and they had a guest who was the most annoying twa t ever! He kept harping on all night about what a great drinker/lover/driver he was...but we all knew he was a knob.

Anway the pratt fell asleep pi ssed so to get our revenge me and my friends fella pulled said idiots trousers and grotts down, put a bit of egg white in a jonny and pulled it over his co ck.

In the morning, while he was wondering who he had danced the twilight tango with, we got the local minging bird (tattoos no teeth, you get the picture) to come round and come on dead strong with him, thanking him for last night.

He went white with fright and we all had to keep going out in graden to literally pi ss ourselves with laughter.

We kept the story up for a full day, when he found out he didn't talk to us for 3 weeks....great result!
 
#10
cait said:
ex-dvr1 said:
Cait!!! these random!!!! events are starting to excalate, are yuou sure they are random and not premeditated? :wink: :lol:
Better keep quiet about the bird table, bread crumbs, metal plate, car battery and case of Stella incident then! 8O :lol:
Oh no you don't to quote magnuss!! "you started so you can finish" :wink: :lol:
 
#11
in the falklands , outside our squadron offices there was a 2 man trench (f*ck knows why) but whilst down there a film crew from look east were doing the rounds , well our troop staffy gets one of the sprogs to one side
and says "right nig , look east want to film us so go and get your CEFO on and i want you in that trench with a brew on by the time they get here"
so sprog trots off , comes back fully "warred up" and dutifully climbs into trench and starts his brew going.
Now i should mention at this point that the trench was just outside the SSM's office window , next thing we hear is "GET OUT OF THAT HOLE YOU CNUT ,WHAT THE F**K ARE YOU UP TO"
to which a now flustered sprog replies
"waiting for the telly people sir"
at which point the badge whacks him round the head with his mess tin and f*cks him off at the high port.
 
#12
shortfuse said:
cait, just in the last two days you have proved to be an evil , twisted , farting in the face , crapping in a bag , breaking your wrist through random sexual acts, mentalist....... and i salute you.
Mmmmm not so sure about the salute part but does she have any brothers or sisters around, that we should warn the uK of :?: :?:

Suppose I should fess up.
It started one night at a mates house party, wife beater was getting the better of me and we were getting the munches so we nuked some food which duly burnt (I wasn't used to kitchen appliances at that age :wink: ). We then came up with the idea of what else we could nuke and burn. Through various trail and error methods much fun ensued, until someone brought in the family goldfish. They don't last long on 5 mins @ 850 watts and the stench afterwards was sobering :twisted: :twisted:
 
#13
At the request of ex-dvr1 even though i am now beginning to sound like a twisted fruit cake......

Goes back a few years now to when i was living at home, the folks had gone away on their hols and me and my older brother were left at home. So like any normal teenagers the parents had only got to the end of the street by the time the party was in full swing.

Anyway not sure how we got round to it but a few cases of Stella later we had rigged a contraption to the bird table using a car battery and metal plate (not sure how it worked, brother got the brains...i got the t*ts) which was subsequently disguised with bread crumbs.

We all huddled back into the conservatory to watch the display as the local bird population flocked to feast on the bread only to receive a bolt from the car battery!

:lol: :lol: :lol:
 
#14
back to "bird destroying , dont know how much truth there is in this but apparently if you wrap some alka seltzer in bread and feed it to seagulls they explode , something to do with not being able to burp or fart , can anyone confirm my theory , or do i have to go and do some field testing myself :?:
 
#15
shortfuse said:
back to "bird destroying , dont know how much truth there is in this but apparently if you wrap some alka seltzer in bread and feed it to seagulls they explode , something to do with not being able to burp or fart , can anyone confirm my theory , or do i have to go and do some field testing myself :?:
Oh yea it works alright. Another one to try for some seaside fun. Wrap pebbles up with some bread around them then throw them up into the air, the greedy vultures eat them and then plumet to the earth because of the weight change etc etc :lol: :lol:
 
#16
Whilst spending a lovely christmas in Bosnia one year, the Families' Office sent parcels out from the wives to their husbands. My friend was the posty and one of the lads kept pestering her daily to see if his parcel had come in yet - everyone elses parcel was arriving, but not his. Every day he asked, every day she said no. We got a little bit tired of this and, one day, after receiving yet another christmas card "To Our Boys, Merry Xmas from the Smiths in Dawlish", we filled a box full of utter crap: screwed up newspapers, empty pop cans, party hats, balloons - you get the picture and stuck the card on the top, sealed it up and wrote his name on the front with "Not Banja Luka, Try Sipovo", cross it out "Not Sipovo, Try Gornji Vakuf" etc etc. Over breakfast the next day, the parcel arrives!!! His face lit up! :D "See I knew she hadn't forgotten me!" with a big smile he says (3 girls trying hard not to wet themselves laughing :lol: :lol: :lol: ). Opens the parcel - sees strange card on top - :? Digs a bit deeper in the parcel - "Fcking bitches" - Ho Ho Ho!!!
 
#17
cait said:
easesprings said:
You sick, sick, evil, ^**+ :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted:
pot, kettle and black there matey! :lol: :lol:
Yea well you got me reminiscing on my youth. God those were the days :lol: :lol: :lol:

Now this one is bad. but not compared to Cait standards.
In 2001 on exercise in Cyprus, we had a particully useless C*^T of a Cpl. Well on the first exercise we had deployed to the field and within 20 mins said Cpl had gone down with ruddy heat stroke and had to be Caevac off the training area. He goes back to camp and recovers in time to find out that there was a chance to go Kayaking for the rest of the exercise. So at the end of the exercise we come in scrub up don the party frocks and go to local Taverna to large it up and recount the war stories.
When we get back to the camp we found this usless tossers kit and namely his Mk6 helmet. Queue most of the Coy relieving themselves out of all orrifices (some had to much to drink or had yet to have post deployment dump) in to this helmet, and then leaving it next to the Cpl's bed space. :twisted: :twisted: :twisted:
 
#18
This is an old one that you have probably heard before but still makes me chuckle - New lad in the Troop so we send him off to the workshops with an axe to get it sharpened. Admin Office is on the way so one of the other lads gives him a note and asks him to drop it off with the Pay NCO and wait for a reply. Anyway nig tips up at the pay office bit hands over the note and waits still in possession of axe, Cpl opens note to read "Give me all your money or i'll chop your fecking head off!"

Oh how we laughed
 

FBW

Old-Salt
#19
on relay hill a few years back and no bloody porta loos so i sugested to rest of site to do it bin bag style :)

a few days later and one very full bin bag (we all shared) moving loc when OCs rover turns up :p

places bin bag in spare tyre on rover :p

4 days later (very hot weather) OC complains to driver of smell

OC opens bag :twisted:

wish i could have seen look on his face :twisted:
 

FBW

Old-Salt
#20
and of course the old fav :p

including

1 shilling
1 lighter
1000000000 of kenya kids
throw shilling and await results :twisted:

not me of course but seen it done :wink:

honest guv :wink:
 

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