Discussion in 'Cookery' started by OKCHU, Jul 13, 2009.

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  1. The summer is here and you know what that means guys … we revert to being the hunter-gatherer and start cremating meat on the BBQ. Just to make it a bit more palatable and interesting for your victims, try some of these marinades …


    Glass of white wine - medium or dry
    2-3 tablespoons of olive oil
    2 tablespoons tomato ketchup
    2 teaspoons Sambal Oelek - if you cannot get this, the same amount of chilli flakes will do
    Two cloves chopped garlic
    Ground black pepper


    2-3 tablespoons of olive oil
    Zest and juice of a lemon or two if you like a stronger lemon flavour
    2 tablespoons fresh or dry oregano
    Large clove chopped garlic
    Ground black pepper


    Glass of red wine
    2-3 tablespoons of olive oil
    2 tablespoons tomato ketchup
    2 tablespoons Hoisin or Oyster sauce
    Large clove chopped garlic
    2 teaspoons of SCHWARTZ Chinese 5 Spice Powder
    Ground black pepper

    The three marinades are best if the meats are put in a suitable dish, given a good stir to coat them and then refrigerated for 24 hours. Then bung them on the Barbie … do not overcook because the marinades will have tenderised the meat nicely already.
  2. Quick and easy one - just like what the top resteraunts serve.

    In equal quantities Tomato Ketchup and instant coffee dissolved in a little warm water!

    No seriously, try it you will be amazed!
  3. Honey, garlic, and Worcestershire sauce for any red meat, and try the Balsamic syrup from Tesco eeemmmmm, just slap it over everthing
  4. The Auld_Yin 'Buckie-BBQ-Bonanza'.

    First lob alll your meat onto the BBQ. Light it 20m minutes later as you are pished and forgot to do so earlier. Get angry after 20 minutes as "this thing's no f*cking wurkin" and kick it several times. Stagger round your back garden in a stupour for a while, swearing repeatedly at the neighbours who are looking over the fence wondering what all the noise is about. Remove manky and torn Dunlop Green Flash trainer and lob in general direction of neighbours. Calm down for a few minutes, necking liberally from a brown bag encased glass vessel. Speed up the cooking process by pouring some of the contents of said vessel onto BBQ. Scream as resultant explosion causes string vest to burst into flames. Attempt to extinguish fire with remnants of brown bag encased glass vessel and run around the garden again several times shouting for someone to summon the 'Fiyereez' and a 'Nambulanz'. Drop to floor and do very good impersonation of the map from 'Bonanza'.
  5. About a yoghurt pot size of Heinz Tomato Ketchup
    2 Gloves of Garlic finely diced
    Dash of uber hot Chiili sauce
    Dash of Soy sauce
    2 Tablespoons Sherry
  6. Auld-Yin

    Auld-Yin LE Reviewer Book Reviewer Reviews Editor

    Sounds like the voice of experience there Biccies :lol: When do you get the bandages off?

    p.s. don't forget to cover everything in brown sauce.
  7. Oh boy, summer is here which means smoke 'n' flame and the man of the house suddenly thinks he's the worlds greatest chef and wifey gets banned from the back garden. Yes, it's … BBQ season.

    My advice to any woman witnessing this phenomenon is to simply relax and let your man have his way. You will be able to get your own back and criticise everything he cooks for a change.

    I know the meat will be underdone or overdone, taste of half a dozen different flavoured BBQ sauces and have ash stuck in it.

    Just grin and bear it … check you have plenty of Andrews and get the kids special plates out …

    … And just accept that when you attempt to check the progress of the cremation party, you can’t find the BBQ or your man, for all the smoke and flames!

    Well, all I can offer is that my wife has learnt to eat around the edges of my beef burgers and she's taped the Fire Service telephone number on the inside of the patio door.

    It’s the primal ritual that connects men to their earliest caveman counterparts and as bonfires and fresh kill have a greater history than nouvelle cuisine … burnt offerings are about all you’re going to get.

    This explains why a guy, who’ll regard the cooker in the kitchen as a device that might give him oestrogen, has no problems tackling a garden barbeque. First, he’s genetically encoded to build bloody big fires ... And second, his reptilian brain tells him that, at least to the cavewoman, the scent of crackling meat over an open flame is an aphrodisiac. In The Palaeolithic Period there was no dating service or the Internet. Caveman had to depend on the size of his smoke spirals and the waft of cremated meats to lure a prospective partner. Or to put this more directly, the bigger his blaze the better were his chances of finding nooky that night.

    So don’t misinterpret your fellow’s intentions … he’s not trying to burn you out of your home. He’s just saying, “Hey, baby, I’m ready for a shag!”

    In earlier times, cavewomen probably had a choice of fireside dinners to attend. Before making a selection they no doubt scanned the horizon instead of the personal ads. Our female ancestors reasoned that large smoke plumes indicated a sizeable roast. Hence, the guy with the biggest column generally won the girl.

    Whole industries have been launched around man’s inclination to continue this kind of activity. Consequently, retailers now bring us BBQ’s so huge that they need to be constructed of iron girders to accommodate cooking an entire herd! Not only that, the utensils that go with them are looking more like a handyman’s toolkit.

    When it comes to barbeques, it seems everyone is jumping on the chuck wagon. Any day now I fear I’ll be unable to get near B&Q because the BBQ section has taken over the car park.

    Most men are one of these barbeque warriors. their infrared Australian Digger Incinerator-Master Mark III (guys will buy anything that includes the word master) reaches 1,600 Fahrenheit and will sear a filet mignon in two seconds flat! It can also melt plastic forks at four feet and eliminate entire sets of wifey's best Tupperware.

    Wifey does her best to stay away from the back garden beast, the BBQ, not me. That‘s my territory and she does not want to infringe. She has learnt to let me get on with it and hopefully, one day the combination of brawn and blaze, might with practice, produce something vaguely edible. If not, then she will just have to keep taking the liver salts. The alternative is to refuse the burnt offering saying, "Sorry, I'm on a diet," or better still, ignore the smoke and flame, ring the fire brigade and send out for a Chinese takeaway ...
  8. Fang_Farrier

    Fang_Farrier LE Reviewer Book Reviewer

    Kids were sea fishing at weekend and brought back 50+ mackerel to be dealt with. Barbeque was great as didn't stink out the house. All I havbe to do now is offload a load of barbequed mackerel fillets!

    For marinade for beef, keep it simple, olive oil, garlic and a little chilli, if the beef is good quality it will speak for itself.
  9. Brandy flavour chicken
    Don't give chicken any water, only brandy and some corn soaked in brandy. When it die sof alcohol poisoning or the habit costs too much too much suppot and you have to say farewell to it. do the biz and marinade in brandy. before BBQ ensure you have a fire extinguisher.
  10. Dead simple: Buy a block of tamarind, soak it and then squeeze into a bowl of tomato ketchup - just bittersweet!

    Consider skewering some chicken livers, coating with above sauce and then barbecuing for about 90 seconds each side.