Some short and sweet funnies

Discussion in 'Sick Jokes' started by old chef, Aug 25, 2011.

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  1. Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Best Bitter. Barman asks, "What's wrong with the Bitter?" Bloke says, "I had 12 pints of it last night and when I came round I was f--king skint."
    Barman says, " 12 pints of anything in here costs about the same."
    Bloke replies, "Skint is my dog."

    Wife says to husband "you only ever want sex when you're drunk. Husband says "that's not true....... sometimes I want a kebab"

    My son asked me today what's the difference between a crow and a blackbird. I told him crows have somewhat heavier beaks and fan shaped tails.
    A blackbird has big rubbery lips, fuzzy hair and a massive arse.

    Teacher to class: "Children, we are all descendants of Adam and Eve"
    Pupil: "But Miss, my mummy and daddy said we come from the apes."
    Teacher: "Stay out of this one Leroy, I'm not talking about your lot."

    I bought the wife a Memory Stick, it's great!
    She hasn't forgotten my beer, dinner or sex once since her first beating with it.

    Why is it whenever you see a fit blonde girl eating a banana you think of a porn film, but when you see a black woman eating a banana you think of the Discovery Channel?

    Sky news report. The Irish have joined in the attack on Libya .
    They sent in 3 ships - 2 full of sand, and one full of was a mortar attack.

    The missus asked if she pleased me in bed?
    I said "yes, I love that trick you do with your mouth." . . . "What trick?" she asked?
    "The one where you shut up and go to sleep!"

    An assortment of high powered weapons and a stash of drugs including cocaine, heroin and ecstasy have been found behind the Job Centre in Liverpool .
    The locals are said to be in a state of shock........They had no idea they had a job centre!
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  2. I've just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage.
    A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days'
    I told him 'I wish I had your will power'

    Top tip; if you're camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it's so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation to casual sex.
    Wish me luck; I appear in court next Monday.

    I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today.
    Apparently the instruction 'finish off on her face' didn't mean what I thought it did.

    I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells.
    Apparently "Niggers" and "Pikeys" were not the correct answers.

    A fat girl served me food in McDonald's at lunch time. She said 'sorry about the wait.'
    I said 'don't worry fatty, you're bound to lose it eventually '

    I walked past a coon kid sitting at a Bus Stop as I came out of the Bank. He looked at me and said 'Any Change'
    I said 'Nope! You're still Black'

    Snow in the forecast! The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight.
    I thought to myself, fat chance with a face like that!

    An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road.
    A man asks What is wrong??
    The boy says Me ma is dead
    Oh bejaysus the man says Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you??
    The boy replies No tanks mister, Sex is the last ting on my moind at the moment.

    I have a new pick up line that works every time. It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them.
    Here's how it goes 'Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'

    Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!

    Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such an immense shutter speed that it is now
    possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.

    I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself I'm having that.

    Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland.
    He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him Where am I??
    The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back
    "Ya canna kid me ya flash bastard. You're in that feckin basket.

    I had a Trivia competition shot to pieces until the last question which I got wrong. The question was Where do women have the curliest hair??
    Apparently the answer I should have given was Fiji.
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