Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Best Bitter. Barman asks, "What's wrong with the Bitter?" Bloke says, "I had 12 pints of it last night and when I came round I was f--king skint." Barman says, " 12 pints of anything in here costs about the same." Bloke replies, "Skint is my dog." Wife says to husband "you only ever want sex when you're drunk. Husband says "that's not true....... sometimes I want a kebab" My son asked me today what's the difference between a crow and a blackbird. I told him crows have somewhat heavier beaks and fan shaped tails. A blackbird has big rubbery lips, fuzzy hair and a massive arse. Teacher to class: "Children, we are all descendants of Adam and Eve" Pupil: "But Miss, my mummy and daddy said we come from the apes." Teacher: "Stay out of this one Leroy, I'm not talking about your lot." I bought the wife a Memory Stick, it's great! She hasn't forgotten my beer, dinner or sex once since her first beating with it. Why is it whenever you see a fit blonde girl eating a banana you think of a porn film, but when you see a black woman eating a banana you think of the Discovery Channel? Sky news report. The Irish have joined in the attack on Libya . They sent in 3 ships - 2 full of sand, and one full of cement..it was a mortar attack. The missus asked if she pleased me in bed? I said "yes, I love that trick you do with your mouth." . . . "What trick?" she asked? "The one where you shut up and go to sleep!" An assortment of high powered weapons and a stash of drugs including cocaine, heroin and ecstasy have been found behind the Job Centre in Liverpool . The locals are said to be in a state of shock........They had no idea they had a job centre!