Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary. I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind. After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, a guy woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it home safely. My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak. Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in. I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit. After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy Nothing. Just got my water bill of $175.00 That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just $2 a month: time to change supplier I think. Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40. A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt .. Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche... Just a reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year's Riots....Your One Year Manufacturer's Warranty Runs Out Soon. ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY" And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel!!! A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?' Granny replies, forget the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?! A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband: 'I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment.' He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agreed. Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?' Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex. Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement. Dad says, 'So what were you watching?' Billy says, ' Wimbledon.' Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?' Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humour! An elderly couple are attending Mass. About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent f@rt; what do you think I should do?' He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'