Unrest in Egypt The Egyptian government, in a bid to quell the rioting, has asked all Egyptians who own a car or a camel, to drive slowly through Cairo, tooting their horns. This directive is to be known as " Toot and Kalm Doon " A Doctor was addressing a audience in Manchester. The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining, Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it? After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, Wedding Cake A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him looks down and says, 7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown. The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, Whats wrong with you? In a weak voice the little guy says, What EXACTLY did you say to me? The big dude says, I saw your curious look and figured Id just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me..... Im 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown. The small guy says: Turner Brown?!... Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, Turn around. It doesnt hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started. During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the directer what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. "Well" said the director, "We fill up a bathtub,then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub" "Oh, I understand" said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because its bigger than the spoon or the teacup". "No" said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near a window"? A married couple was in a terrible accident where the womans face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldnt graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honour their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the womans new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you." "My darling," he replied, " I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you... An Italian lawyer and an Irishman are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that Irishmen are so dumb that he could put something over on them easily...So the lawyer asks if the Irishman would like to play a fun game. The Irishman is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The Italian lawyer persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you dont know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I dont know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says. This catches the Irishmans attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. Whats the distance from The Earth to the Moon? The Irishman doesnt say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer. Now, its the Irishmans turn. He asks the lawyer, What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four? The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the Irishman and hands him $500. The Irishman pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep. The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the Irishman up and asks, Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four? The Irishman reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep. Dont mess with the Irish. A married businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the night with her for $500. He spends the night with her but before he leaves, he tells her that he does not have any cash with him, but he will have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT." On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he has his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following typed note: Dear Madam: Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apart ment, I was under the impression that: 1) it had never been occupied; 2) that there was plenty of heat; and 3) that it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home. However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasnt any heat, and that it was entirely too large. Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note... Dear Sir, First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you dont have enough furniture to fill it, please dont blame the landlady. Send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady Back in the time of the Samurai, there was a powerful emperor who needed a new head Samurai. So, he sent out a declaration throughout the country that he was searching for one. A year passed and only 3 people showed up: a Japanese Samurai, a Chinese Samurai and a Jewish Samurai. The emperor asked the Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head Samurai. The Japanese Samurai opened a matchbox and out popped a little fly. Whoosh goes his sword and the fly drops dead on the ground in 2 pieces. The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!" The emperor then asked the Chinese Samurai to come in and demonstrate. The Chinese Samurai also opened a matchbox and out popped a fly. Whoosh, whoosh goes his sword. The fly drops dead on the ground in 4 pieces. The emperor exclaimed, "That is really very impressive!" The emperor then had the Jewish Samurai demonstrate why he should be head Samurai. The Jewish Samurai also opened a matchbox and out popped a fly. His flashing sword goes Whoooooooossshhh, Whooooossshhh, Whooooossshh! A gust of wind fills the room, but the fly is still alive and buzzing around. The emperor, obviously disappointed, asks, "After all of that, why is the fly not dead?" The Jewish Samurai smiled, "Well, circumcision is not intended to kill." An Australian is sitting at a bar in New York City and looks at his watch several times in the space of a few minutes. The woman sitting nearby notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No," he replies, "I have this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? Whats so special about it?" The Aussie explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically." The lady says, "Whats it telling you now?" "Well, it says youre not wearing any panties." The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties! The Aussie smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody things running about an hour fast, can I buy you a drink 25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER 1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. If youre going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning. 2. My mother taught me RELIGION. You better pray that will come out of the carpet. 3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. If you dont straighten up, Im going to knock you into the middle of next week! 4. My mother taught me LOGIC. Because I said so, thats why. 5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, youre not going to the store with me. 6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case youre in an accident. 7. My mother taught me IRONY Keep crying, and Ill give you something to cry about. 8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. Shut your mouth and eat your supper. 9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck! 10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. Youll sit there until all that spinach is gone. 11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it. 12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. If I told you once, Ive told you a million times. Dont exaggerate! 13 My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. I brought you into this world, and I can take you out. 14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. Stop acting like your father! 15. My mother taught me about ENVY. There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who dont have wonderful parents like you do. 16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. Just wait until we get home. 17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. You are going to get it when you get home! 18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. If you dont stop crossing your eyes, they are going to stick that way. 19. My mother taught me ESP. Put your sweater on; dont you think I know when you are cold? 20. My mother taught me HUMOUR. When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, dont come running to me. 21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. If you dont eat your vegetables, youll never grow up. 22. My mother taught me GENETICS. Youre just like your father. 23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn? 24. My mother taught me WISDOM. When you get to be my age, youll understand. And my favorite: 25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE One day youll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you! FEMALE GEOGRAPHY - Between 18 and 25, a woman is like Africa : wild, naturally beautiful and full of mysterious, fertile deltas. - Between 26 and 34, a woman is like America : well-developed and open for trade, especially for those with stacks of money. - Between 35 and 44, a woman is like India : sensual, relaxed, in full bloom, aware of her beauty. - Between 45 and 54, a woman is like France : deliciously mature, still a pleasant destination to visit. - Between 55 and 60, a woman is like Yugoslavia : a lost war, haunted by the mistakes of the past. Major reconstruction work is mostly the only answer. - Between 61 and 65, a woman is like Russia : vast, with undefined frontier. The cold climate puts off any potential visitors. - Between 66 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia : a glorious past, great conquests, but without a future. - After 70, a woman is like Afghanistan : many know its whereabouts, but no-one dares to venture there... MALE GEOGRAPHY Between 15 and 90, a man is like Zimbabwe : ruled by a dick... For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write Spaghetti on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. Honey, she said, you received a very strange post card today. Oh, just give it to me and Ill explain it later, he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written: Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce. On a wet horrible night Dai the ventriloquist was returning from Brecon to Cardiff when his car broke down. Try as he might he couldnt get the car started and so decided to walk for help. Soon he saw a light of a small farm and he made his way there. He knocked on the door and explained his situation and was allowed in. The farm was one of those with only a few small rooms and entrances to the animal quarters. He asked the farmer what animals he had and was told - a horse, a dog and a sheep. He decided to have some fun and asked the farmer could he speak to the horse. The farmer said the horse couldnt talk and was taken aback when the ventriloquist asked the horse what sort of a day he had had. The horse seemed to reply, not too bad, but a little more hay would be useful. The farmer was shocked!! In the living room the ventriloquist asked the farmer could he speak to the dog. The dog dont talk said the farmer. Again the dog was asked if he had been busy today. He seemed to say that he was wet and cold running around the mountain, but a little more meat sometimes would help. The farmer was opened mouthed with astonishment. From the barn came the baaing of the sheep. The ventriloquist asked could he speak to the sheep. Suddenly the farmer jumped up and shouted - No, you bloody well cant. A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit Pakistan . Two million Pakistanis have died and over a million are injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesnt know where to start with providing help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock. The USA is sending troops to help. Saudi Arabia is sending oil. Latin American countries are sending supplies. New Zealand is sending sheep, cattle and food crops. The Asian continents are sending labor to assist in rebuilding infrastructure. Australia is sending medical teams and supplies. Britain , not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Pakistanis. God Bless British generosity Seven Dwarfs The seven dwarfs went to the Vatican, and because they are THE DWARFS, they are ushered in to see the Pope. Dopey leads the pack. "Son," says the Pope, "What can I do for you?" Dopey replies, "Excuse me, your Holiness, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?" The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome." In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them. Dopey turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?" The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe." This time, all the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them with an angry glare. Dopey turns back to the Pope and says, "Mr. Pope, are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?" "Im sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world." The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin chanting... "Dopey sh----ed a penguin!.. Dopey sh----ed a penguin An attorney arrived home late after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed. As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and Im not reheating it. And on and on and on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs. While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husbands client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight. Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet. Theyre not hanging Wright tonight, she said. To which he whirled around and screamed, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DONT YOU EVER STOP?! Lulu was a prostitute, but she didnt want her grandma to know. One day, the police raided the brothel and took all the girls outside and made them line up. Suddenly, Lulus grandma came by. Grandma asked, Why are you standing in line here, dear? Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, Lulu told her that the police were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some. Why, thats awfully nice of them. I think Ill get some for myself, Grandma said, and she proceeded to the end of the line. A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma he was bewildered and exclaimed, Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it old girl? Grandma replied, Oh, its easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck em dry. The policeman fainted. Irish Boys Confession_ "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl". The priest asks, "Is that you,Dicky?" "Yes, Father, it is." "And who was the girl you were with?" "I cant tell you, Father, I dont want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Dicky, Im sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Mary Walsh?" "I cannot say." "Was it Teresa Brown?" "Ill never tell." "Was it Margaret Doyle?" "Im sorry, but I cannot name her." "Was it Anne O Neil?" "My lips are sealed." "Was it Catherine 0 Tool, then?" "Please, Father, I cannot tell you." The priest sighs in frustration. "Youre very tight lipped Dicky, and I admire that. But youve sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself." Dicky walks back to his pew, and his friend Tommy slides over and whispers, "Whatd you get?" "4 Months holiday and five good leads The Marriage Test I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate, because she never did it when we were near anyone else. One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldnt overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldnt say a word. She said, "Im going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Low and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldnt ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family." And the moral of this story is... > > > > > > Always keep your condoms in your Car A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiplebruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asked him. " What happened to you ?" " Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture. We went to look for them and while I was looking around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end" I walked over, lifted its tail and, sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wifes monogram on it stuck right in the middle of the cows butt " Still holding the cows tail up, I yelled to my wife. " Hey, this looks like yours ! " " I dont remember much after that Camilla bought new shoes for her wedding to Charles, which got increasingly tighter and tighter as the day went on. That night, when the festivities were finally over and they retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said, Charles, darling. Please remove my shoes. My feet are killing me! Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour, but it would not budge. Harder! yelled Camilla. Harder! Charles yelled back, Im trying, darling! But its just so bloody tight! Come on! Give it all youve got! she cried. Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan and Camilla exclaimed, There! Oh, God, that feels so good! In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip, See? I told you with a face like that, she was still a virgin! Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, Oh, God, darling! This ones even tighter! At which Prince Phillip said to the Queen, Thats my boy: once a Navy man, always a Navy man An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached > the desk. The receptionist said, "Hello, sir. Can you please tell me > why youre here to see the doctor today?" > "Theres something wrong with my d--k," he replied. The receptionist > became irritated and said, "You shouldnt come into a crowded waiting > room and say things like that." > "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said. The > receptionist replied, "Now youve caused some embarrassment in this > room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong > with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the > doctor in private." > The man replied, "You shouldnt ask people questions in a room full of > strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone." > The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. > The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?" > "Theres something wrong with my ear," he stated. The receptionist > nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. > "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?" > "I cant p!ss out of it," he replied. The waiting room erupted in > laughter. And thats how the fight started > > > > One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a > > cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. > > The next year, he didnt buy her a gift. > > When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still > > havent used the gift I bought you last year!" > > And thats how the fight started.... > > ************************************************************************ > > My wife walked into the den and asked "Whats on the TV?" > > I replied "Dust". > > And thats how the fight started... > > ************************************************************************ > > A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. > > She is not happy with what she sees and says to her > > husband, I feel horrible. > > I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment. > > The husband replies, Your eyesights damn near perfect. > > And thats how the fight started... > > ************************************************************************ > > My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming > > anniversary. > > She said, I want something shiny that goes from 0 to > > 200 in about 3 seconds. > > I bought her a scale. > > And thats how the fight started... > > ************************************************************************ > > I asked my wife, Where do you want to go for our > > anniversary? > > It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet > > appreciation. > > Somewhere I havent been in a long time! she > > said. > > So I suggested, How about the kitchen? > > And thats when the fight started... > > ************************************************************************ > > My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire > > while we were in bed. > > I turned to her and said, Do you want to have sex? > > No, she answered. > > I then said, Is that your final answer? > > She didnt even look at me this time, simply saying > > Yes. > > So I said, Then Id like to phone a friend. > > And thats when the fight started... > > ************************************************************************ > > I tried to talk my wife into buying a 30 pack of Miller > > Light for $14.95. > > Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. > > I told her the beer would make her look better at night > > than the cold cream. > > And thats when the fight started... > > ************************************************************************ > > I took my wife to a restaurant , The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. > > Ill have the strip steak, medium rare, please. > > He said, Arent you worried about the mad cow? > > Nah, she can order for herself. > > And thats when the fight started... Q. Whats a mixed feeling? A. When you see your Mother-In-Law backing off a cliff in your new car. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q. Whats the height of conceit? A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q. Whats the definition of Macho? A. Jogging home from your vasectomy. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q. Whats the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex? A. They spray paint Xs on the back of the sheep that kick! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q.Why is divorce so expensive? A. Because its worth it! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q. What is a Yankee? A. The same as a quickie, but a Guy can do it alone. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q. What do Tupperware and a Walrus have in common? A. They both like a tight seal. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q.What is the difference between oooooohand aaaaaaah? A. About three inches. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q: Whats the difference between purple and pink? A. The grip. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q. How do you find a Blind Man in a nudist colony? A. Its not hard. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q: Whats the difference between a Girlfriend and a Wife? A: 45 pounds. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q: Whats the difference between a Boyfriend and a Husband? A: 45 minutes. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? A: Breasts dont have eyes. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q: What is the difference between medium and rare? A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.