Some jokes

Mr Happy

LE
Moderator
#1
An American tourist in London found himself needing to go to the
bathroom something terrible. After a long search he just couldn't find
any public bathroom to relieve himself. So he went down one of the side
streets to take care of business. Just as he was unzipping, a London
police officer showed up.

"Look here, old chap, what are you doing?" the officer asked.

"I'm sorry," the American replied, but I really gotta go."

"You can't do that here," the officer told him. "Look, follow me."

The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass,
pretty flowers, and manicured hedges.

"Here," said the policeman, "whiz away."

The American tourist shrugged, turned, unzipped, and started urinating
on the flowers. "Ahhh," he said in relief. Then turning toward the
officer, he said, "This is very nice of you. Is this British courtesy?"

"No," retorted the policeman. "It's the French Embassy."





Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each
> other, outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks,
>
> "What are you in here for?"
>
> The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a
> little nervous."
>
> The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done
> when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give
> you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."
>
> The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
>
> The first kid says, "A circumcision."
>
> The second kid replies, "Whoa, Good luck buddy, I had that done when I
> was born. Couldn't walk for a year."






>>Subject: Goldfish Funeral
>>
>>Little six-year old Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when
>>her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the
>>cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, "What are you
>>up to there, Nancy?"
>>"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up,
>>"and I've just buried him."
>>The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a
>>goldfish, isn't it?"
>>Sweet Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied,
>>"That's
>>because he's inside your f*cking cat.
 
#2
A hippie gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun. He sits down next to
her, and asks her: "Can we have sex?"
"No," she replies, "I'm married to God." She stands up, and gets off at the
next stop.
The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippie and says: "I can tell you
how to get to have sex with her!"
"Yeah?", says the hippie.
"Yeah!", say the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night
at midnight to pray, so all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a
hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in
the cemetery claiming to be God."
The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as
suggested on the next Tuesday night.
"I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face.
"Have sex with me." The nun agrees without question, but begs him to
restrict himself to **** sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity.
'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her.
As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish.
"Ha-ha," he cries. "I am the hippie!"
"Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I am the bus driver!
 
#3
You've been hanging around scousers too much. That's probably a true story involving one of the KINGO's :D
 
#4
Three married couples go on a camping trip. Since they only have two tents, the men sleep in one and the women in the other.

Suddenly, MDN wakes up and yells "WOW!".

"What's wrong?" asks Corporal.

"I just woke up with the biggest hardon in my life!" says MDN. "I've got to go find my woman and make love to her!".

"Do you want me to come with you?" asks Corporal.

"NO! Why would I want that?" asks MDN.

"Because that's my dick you are holding." replies Corporal. :D
 
#5
You've been hanging around scousers too much. That's probably a true story involving one of the KINGO's
Scousers are reknowned for their great sense of humour..... but then again, you would really need to see the funny side of everything if you lived in that dump.
:D
 
#6
You can dream of camping with me you camp septic, but thats all its gonna be....

womann goes to doctors complaining of stomach ache..


Doctor says 'jump on the bench we will do an examination, run some tests and have you in for the results next week'

a little more confident the woman has her tests and leaves.

By the time she gets homw there is a voicemail message on her home phone from the doctors... she call the surgery and they want her to comeback asap.

Flapping, she grabs her coat and runds down to the surgery expecting bad new.

Doctor.." I have some news for you, your'e going to be changing nappies for a couple of years"

Woman.."Am I pregnant, am I going to have a baby?"

Doctor.. No you have Bowel cancer :mrgreen:
 
#7
Subject: Marriage
Secrets to a Happy Marriage

1. It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans.
2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money.
3. It is important to find a woman that likes to have sex.
and MOST important....
4. It is important that these three women never meet!!



A bloke is driving happily along in his car with his girlfriend when he's pulled over by the Police. The police officer approaches him and asks: "Have you been drinking Sir?" "Why?" asks the man, "Was I driving badly?" "No" replies the Officer, "You were driving splendidly. It was the ugly fat bird in the passenger seat that made me suspicious.



A blonde bird pushes her Pinto into a gas station. She tells the mechanic,
"It died." After he works on it for a few minutes, it's idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburettor."
She says, "How often do I have to do that?"



Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to show
off his new flat. After the grand tour, the visitors were rather perplexed
by the large gong taking pride of place in the lounge.

"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.

"Why, that's my Speaking Clock", the man replied.

"How does it work?", asked the guest.

"I'll show you", the man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering blow with
an unpadded hammer.

Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed, "For fucks sake,
it's twenty to two in the ******* morning!"
 
#8
A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told the physician that her
husband had developed a penchant for **** sex, and she wasn't sure it
was such a good idea.

The doctor asked "Do you enjoy it?"

She said that she did.

He asked "Does it hurt you?"

She said no.

The doctor then told her"Well then, there's no reason that you shouldn't practice **** sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant."

The woman was mystified. She asked, "Can you really get pregnant from
**** sex?"

The doctor replied, "Of course, where do you think Tony BLiar came from?"

:lol:
 
#10
Two partially deaf blokes go into a pub - one says to the other, you grab a seat and I'll get the beers in.

He goes to the bar and orders his drinks. Whilst the barman is pulling the pints the deaf bloke sees a sign saying "Live Music - Tonight"

He asks the barman 'What kind of music is it? Is it Rock and Roll?'

'No' says the barman 'It's not Rock and Roll'

'Oh is it Boogie Woogie? I like Boogie Woogie'

'No It's not Boogie Woogie' says the barman

'Is it Disco ?' says the deaf guy

'No, none of those - 'Its Country and Western' says the barman.

The deaf bloke pays for the beer and goes back to his mate. He tells him that there is live music on later. His mate says

'Is it Rock and Roll? - or is it Boogie Woogie'

'Dunno' says the other bloke - 'barman wouldn't tell me - just said its some cnut from Preston !!!!!!!!'
 
#12
A woman has spent all day cleaning her new house and decides to soak in the tub before going home.
While she's in the bath there's a knock at the door, looking around she realises there's no towel or robe.
Sneaking down stairs she calls out 'who is it',
The voice comes back 'blind man!’
Thinking that's okay, she opens the door butt naked,
The guy then says 'nice tits, where do you want the blinds!'

A brunette goes to the doctor and tells him she hurts everywhere,
The doctor tells her that that's impossible, and asks her to show him.
The brunette pokes her arm and yells 'ouch'
She pokes her leg and yells 'ouch,
She touches her hair, and yells 'ouch',
The doctor takes a long hard look at her and says, 'your not a real brunette are you?'
The brunette look at him and says, 'no, how did you know that?'
The doctor replies, 'you have a broken finger'

Four women go to therapy with their children,
The therapist looks at the woman then begins.
'You each have addictive personality that have manifested in your children.'
Turning he says to the first mother, 'you have an addiction to alcohol, you even called your child Brandy.'
To the second he say's 'you have an addiction to money, you even called your child Penny.'
To the third he says, 'you have and addiction to food, you even called your child Candy.'
Quietly from the back of the room the fourth mother stands up and taking her child by the hand she whispers 'lets go Dick.'
 
W

whitehall

Guest
#14
>A lady approaches her priest and tells him "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
>"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
>"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'"
>"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn the joys of praise and worship."
>"Thank you!" the woman responded.
>The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding the rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say "Hi we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"
>One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away, brother. Our prayers have been answered!"
 
W

whitehall

Guest
#15
>the following warning labels be placed
>immediately on all beer containers:
>
>WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you
>are whispering when you are not.
>
>WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in
>dancing like a ******.
>
>WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell
>the same boring story over and over again until your
>friends want to smash your head in.
>
>WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay
>shings like thish.
>
>WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to
>believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them
>at 4 in the morning.
>
>WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you
>wondering what the hell happened to your trousers.
>
>WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you
>can logically converse with other members of the
>opposite sex without spitting.
>
>WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you
>have mystical Kung Fu powers.
>
>WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll
>over in the morning and see something really scary
>(whose name and/or species you can`t remember).
>
>WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause
>of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
>
>WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the
>illusion that you are tougher, more attractive, and
>smarter
 
W

whitehall

Guest
#16
1. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy
>marijuana,
> > >
> > > > press
> > >
> > > > the hash key..."
> > >
> > > >
> > >
> > > > 2. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Cling film for
> > >shorts.
> > >
> > > > The
> > >
> > > > shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
> > >
> > > >
> > >
> > > > 3. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
>couldn't
> > >
> > > > find
> > >
> > > > any.
> > >
> > > >
> > >
> > > > 4. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that
>he
> > >
> > > > couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks
> > >are
> > >
> > > > too
> > >
> > > > high."
> > >
> > > >
> > >
> > > > 5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled
>him
> > >in..
> > > >
> > >
> > > > 6. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He
>shouted,
> > >
> > > > Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know
>you
> > >
> > > > can't, I've cut your arms off".
> > >
> > > >
> > >
> > > > 7. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
> > >
> > > >
> > >
> > > > 8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in
>the
> > >
> > > > craft,
> > >
> > > > it sank, proving once and for all that you can't
> > >
> > > > have your kayak and heat it.
> > >
> > > >
> > >
> > > > 9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his
> > >
> > > > van covered with ***dreds and thousands. Police say that he topped
> > >
> > > > himself.
> > >
> > > >
> > >
> > > > 10. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his
>head.
> > >Doc
> > > > says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
> > >
> > > >
> > >
> > > > 11. "Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That
> > >
> > > > sounds
> > >
> > > > like Tom Jones syndrome. " "Is it common? " "It's not unusual."
> > >
> > > >
> > >
> > > > 12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is
> > >there
> > > > anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, 'let's have a
> > >look
> > >at
> > > > him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his
> > >teeth.
> > > > Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What?
>Because
> > >he's
> > > > cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy"
> > >
> > > >
> > >
> > > > 13. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck
>up
> > >my
> > > > backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."
> > >
> > > >
> > >
> > > > 14. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
> > >
> > > >
> > >
> > > > 15. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
> > >
> > > >
> > >
> > > > 16. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you
> > >give
> > > > me
> > >
> > > > a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go
>for
> > >
> > > > it.'
> > >
> > > >
> > >
> > > > 17. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5
> > >people
> > > > in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my
>dad.
> > >Or
> > > > myolder brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think
> > >it's
> > > > Colin.
> > >
> > > >
> > >
> > > > 18. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The
> > >other
> > > > one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"
> > >
> > > >
> > >
> > > > 19. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery
>acid,
> > >the
> > > > other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one
> > >off.
> > >
> > > >
> > >
> > > > 20. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving
>today.
> > >They
> > > > left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So
>that
> > >was
> > > > nice."
> > >
> > > >
> > >
> > > > 21. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in
> > >several
> > >
> > > > places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there any more"
> > >
> > > >
> > >
> > > > 22. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a
> > >small
> > > > two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and
> > >rescue
> > >
> > > > workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to
> > >climb
> > > > as
> > >
> > > > digging continues into the night.
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
 

Unknown_Quantity

War Hero
Moderator
#17
Martin Johnson, Richard Hill and Johnny Wilkinson are standing before God at the throne of Heaven. God looks at them and says; "before granting you a place at my side, I must first ask you what you believe in." Addressing Johnson first he asks, "what do you believe?" Johnson looks God in the eye and states passionately, "I believe Rugby to be the food of life. Nothing else brings such unbridled joy to so many people from the grim North to the bright lights of Twickenham. I have devoted my life to bring such joy to people who stood on the terraces supporting their club." God looks up and offers Johnson the seat to his left. He then turns to Hill, "and you,
Dicky, what do you believe?" Hill stands tall and proud, "I believe courage, honour and passion are the fundamentals to life and I've spent my whole playing career providing a living embodiment of these traits." God, moved by the passion of the speech offers Hill the seat to his right.
Finally, he turns to Wilkinson, "and you, Johnny, what do you believe?" "I believe..." says Wilkinson "...you're sitting in my seat."
 
#18
:WHY DO MEN DIE FIRST?
If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race... you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework... you're a poofter.
If you work too hard... there's never any time for her.
If you don't work enough... you're a good-for-nothing lazy prick.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay... this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay... you should get off your lazy ass and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her... that is favouritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you... its equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks.... its sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet... it's male indifference.
If you cry... you're a wimp.
If you don't... you're an insensitive bastard.
If you make a decision without consulting her... you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you... she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy... that's domination.
If SHE asks you... it's a favour.
If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear... you're a pervert.
If you don't... you're gay.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape... you're sexist.
If you don't... you're unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape... you're vain.
If you don't... you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers... you're after something.
If you don't... you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements... you're full of shit.
If you're not... you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache... she's tired.
If you have a headache... you don't love her anymore.
If you want it too often... you're oversexed.
If you don't... there must be someone else.

MEN DIE FIRST BECAUSE THEY WANT TO!

D
 
#19
LOL padhadh, now that's funny!!!!

this is ......kinda....

The Ostrich ============ A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders. The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man, "same for me," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?" "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there." "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?" The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."
 
#20
In the beginning was The Plan. Then came the Assumptions. The Assumptions were without form. The Plan was completely without substance and darkness was upon the face of the soldiers, and they spoke amongst themselves, saying

"It is a crock of shit and it stinketh".

And the soldiers went unto their supervisors saying,

"It is a pail of dung and none may abide the odor thereof",

and the supervisors went unto their Branch Chiefs saying,

"It is a container of excrement and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it".

The Branch Chiefs then went unto the Commanders saying

"It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide it's strength".

The Commanders spoke amongst themselves, saying to one another,

"It contains that which aids plant growth and it is very strong".

The Commanders then went to their Deputies saying,

"It promotes growth and it is very powerful".

The Deputies went unto the MOD and said

"This new Plan will actively promote growth and efficiency of the Army and in weak areas in particular".

The MOD looked upon the Plan, and saw that it was good and the Plan
became Policy.

This is how shit happens.
 
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