Some advice please?

#1
Hello to all of you,

I'm a long-time lurker here but the time has come for me to post.

I need some advice on how to behave at a social event happening in the next couple of weeks. This is the situation:

My wife is, by dint of her Civil Servant Grade and post, a member of the Officers' Mess at my Corps HQ. As the "husband of" I've been invited too despite the fact that I'm a lowly lance jack. I've already been 'strongly advised' that I will be attending as a civvy (Mr TG rather than LCpl TG) but I thought I'd open it up to the collective wisdom of ARRSE for some advice on dos and don'ts.

Any thoughts?
 
#2
Hello to all of you,

I'm a long-time lurker here but the time has come for me to post.

I need some advice on how to behave at a social event happening in the next couple of weeks. This is the situation:

My wife is, by dint of her Civil Servant Grade and post, a member of the Officers' Mess at my Corps HQ. As the "husband of" I've been invited too despite the fact that I'm a lowly lance jack. I've already been 'strongly advised' that I will be attending as a civvy (Mr TG rather than LCpl TG) but I thought I'd open it up to the collective wisdom of ARRSE for some advice on dos and don'ts.

Any thoughts?
You need to contact Boots & Dale Co.

See Mimi, I told you there would be a business in it.
 
#4
A couple of weeks doesn't give us very much time but we shall do our very best to help.
 
#5
You will, you will.

Tell us what you think you are going to wear, and we can tell you to shut up.

We are here to help.
 
#6
Soup should be consumed using a soup spoon, usually the roundest dessert size spoon at your disposal, the spoon should be presented to your mouth with the spoon handle parallel with your shoulders, with a spoonful of soup bring the soup to within a inch of your lips, stand up and lean forward til your bottom lip touches the top of the spoons furthest edge. You will be unable to see all the other guests doing exactly the same as you, schlurp the soup loudly and proudly, the soup may enter nasal cavitys, this is perfectly normal, with the top of your head pointed at the dining table, repeat the procedure until you think the bowl is empty, or the room has gone eerily quiet.
 
#7
Who said you can't go as L/Cpl. TG?

Which Corps HQ?

Have you still got your own teeth and hair?
 
#8
You will, you will.

Tell us what you think you are going to wear, and we can tell you to shut up.

We are here to help.
I've been lurking here long enough to fear you Dale.

However, as you asked, suit and tie as it's a curry night rather than a more formal dinner where I would obviously attend in my best wet suit, waders, S10 and a Major-General's Mess jacket.
 
#9
Hello to all of you,

I'm a long-time lurker here but the time has come for me to post.

I need some advice on how to behave at a social event happening in the next couple of weeks. This is the situation:

My wife is, by dint of her Civil Servant Grade and post, a member of the Officers' Mess at my Corps HQ. As the "husband of" I've been invited too despite the fact that I'm a lowly lance jack. I've already been 'strongly advised' that I will be attending as a civvy (Mr TG rather than LCpl TG) but I thought I'd open it up to the collective wisdom of ARRSE for some advice on dos and don'ts.

Any thoughts?
In honesty, no-one in the officers' mess will give a toss about your wife's civil service rank, but will be rather chuffed that a lance jack has the opportunity to be in the mess. Were I still in, I, and I'm sure my colleagues, would bend over backwards to make you welcome.

I would go for the Mr TG rather than the rank - it allows both you and the officers to have a good chat without rank coming into it. Hope you enjoy it.
 
#10
Behave as you would do if your wife was working for a civvy company and you were invited to one of their do´s as a "husband of".
Try not to embarress her and try to avoid talking shop for the evening.
If any of the Ruperts know you and try dropping you in it with leading questions about army connections, then say something non-comittall buct factual such as "I also work for Her Majesty´s Forces" and leave it at that.
In general, behave as you would expect your wife to do if the situation was reversed, ie it was a Screws Mess Do and your promotion was riding on your next CR.
 
A

armadillo

Guest
#11
In honesty, no-one in the officers' mess will give a toss about your wife's civil service rank, but will be rather chuffed that a lance jack has the opportunity to be in the mess. Were I still in, I, and I'm sure my colleagues, would bend over backwards to make you welcome.

I would go for the Mr TG rather than the rank - it allows both you and the officers to have a good chat without rank coming into it. Hope you enjoy it.
This happened to me and was made to feel welcome, didnt need any money for the bar as all the seniors got me drinks. Go and enjoy yourself. Remember your manners, and no chest poking.

Have fun.
 
#14
Hmmm, pay no heed to the previous loons.

Go to the do get totally shit faced, abuse the head of shed ring the bell countless time and remember to vom on the decking.

Worked for me and mine and he's still serving ;)
 
#15
I've been lurking here long enough to fear you Dale.

However, as you asked, suit and tie as it's a curry night rather than a more formal dinner where I would obviously attend in my best wet suit, waders, S10 and a Major-General's Mess jacket.
In that case, get as pissed as you can on free booze. Look at birds' tits leeringly, leave the seat up and wee on the carpet mat thingy under the bog.

Be sure to steal something. Even if it's a bar of soap.

Slurp your soup.

Make friends with their dog - that hound will be eating your curry leftovers and will love you forever. The hosts may not invite you back though (Whoopsie).

Just go as you are. Fuck em.

Hope this helps.

Lady Dale of Snailsville xxx

P.S. No need to be scared of me, I'm nice and fluffy and all that bollocks really.

P.P.S. Until someone fucks me off.
 
#16
Behave as you would do if your wife was working for a civvy company and you were invited to one of their do´s as a "husband of".
Try not to embarress her and try to avoid talking shop for the evening.
If any of the Ruperts know you and try dropping you in it with leading questions about army connections, then say something non-comittall buct factual such as "I also work for Her Majesty´s Forces" and leave it at that.
In general, behave as you would expect your wife to do if the situation was reversed, ie it was a Screws Mess Do and your promotion was riding on your next CR.
The thing is I'm in a very small Corps so they all know me and who I am.

Obviously I know better than to declare "Naked Bar" or to get the Commandant in a head lock but it's the subtle things that escape me.
 
#17
Are you a music man or do you play with the hounds?
 
#18
The thing is I'm in a very small Corps so they all know me and who I am.

Obviously I know better than to declare "Naked Bar" or to get the Commandant in a head lock but it's the subtle things that escape me.
And you've never been in an officers' mess!
 
#19
The thing is I'm in a very small Corps so they all know me and who I am.

Obviously I know better than to declare "Naked Bar" or to get the Commandant in a head lock but it's the subtle things that escape me.
Just be yourself.

Vomiting and nicking things are optional.

This was a Boots and Dale production.

Who's next for our assistance?
 
#20
Officers like nothing better than hearing the "real" truth from the junior ranks. They normally only get the way things are going by way of the SNCO who tends to tell the officer what they think they would like to hear rather than the naked truth. If asked, tell them that the lads do not like getting up early for PT, do not like being shouted at by the RSM and definitely do not like being taken off important work to sweep out the garages/front of RHQ/QM stores etc. You will find that they will be so chuffed at hearing these things straight from the horses mouth that they will probably invite you back on some other occasion, perhaps a Regimental Dinner Night? Oh, and remember, officers do not carry money around with them, so much that there mess dress trousers do not even have pockets in them. Therefore, buy as many drinks as you can whilst reminding the younger lieutenants that, as a tradesman, you probably earn more than they do anyway. And don't forget that your wife is very high up in the Civil Service as she has Officers' Mess status so keep reminding the Majors and Colonels about this and mentioning her "equivalent rank" as it will earn you a great deal of respect and they will hang on to your every word.
Have a nice evening.
 

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