Some advice please?

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Tuba Geek, Jul 1, 2011.

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  1. Hello to all of you,

    I'm a long-time lurker here but the time has come for me to post.

    I need some advice on how to behave at a social event happening in the next couple of weeks. This is the situation:

    My wife is, by dint of her Civil Servant Grade and post, a member of the Officers' Mess at my Corps HQ. As the "husband of" I've been invited too despite the fact that I'm a lowly lance jack. I've already been 'strongly advised' that I will be attending as a civvy (Mr TG rather than LCpl TG) but I thought I'd open it up to the collective wisdom of ARRSE for some advice on dos and don'ts.

    Any thoughts?
  2. You need to contact Boots & Dale Co.

    See Mimi, I told you there would be a business in it.
  3. I don't get it?
  4. A couple of weeks doesn't give us very much time but we shall do our very best to help.
    • Like Like x 1
  5. You will, you will.

    Tell us what you think you are going to wear, and we can tell you to shut up.

    We are here to help.
  6. Soup should be consumed using a soup spoon, usually the roundest dessert size spoon at your disposal, the spoon should be presented to your mouth with the spoon handle parallel with your shoulders, with a spoonful of soup bring the soup to within a inch of your lips, stand up and lean forward til your bottom lip touches the top of the spoons furthest edge. You will be unable to see all the other guests doing exactly the same as you, schlurp the soup loudly and proudly, the soup may enter nasal cavitys, this is perfectly normal, with the top of your head pointed at the dining table, repeat the procedure until you think the bowl is empty, or the room has gone eerily quiet.
    • Like Like x 1
  7. Who said you can't go as L/Cpl. TG?

    Which Corps HQ?

    Have you still got your own teeth and hair?
  8. I've been lurking here long enough to fear you Dale.

    However, as you asked, suit and tie as it's a curry night rather than a more formal dinner where I would obviously attend in my best wet suit, waders, S10 and a Major-General's Mess jacket.
    • Like Like x 1
  9. In honesty, no-one in the officers' mess will give a toss about your wife's civil service rank, but will be rather chuffed that a lance jack has the opportunity to be in the mess. Were I still in, I, and I'm sure my colleagues, would bend over backwards to make you welcome.

    I would go for the Mr TG rather than the rank - it allows both you and the officers to have a good chat without rank coming into it. Hope you enjoy it.
  10. Behave as you would do if your wife was working for a civvy company and you were invited to one of their do´s as a "husband of".
    Try not to embarress her and try to avoid talking shop for the evening.
    If any of the Ruperts know you and try dropping you in it with leading questions about army connections, then say something non-comittall buct factual such as "I also work for Her Majesty´s Forces" and leave it at that.
    In general, behave as you would expect your wife to do if the situation was reversed, ie it was a Screws Mess Do and your promotion was riding on your next CR.
  11. This happened to me and was made to feel welcome, didnt need any money for the bar as all the seniors got me drinks. Go and enjoy yourself. Remember your manners, and no chest poking.

    Have fun.
  12. Can someone throw a fucking chair at the cunts whove just walked into the naafi.
    • Like Like x 2
  13. You've never been in a NAAFI have you?
  14. Hmmm, pay no heed to the previous loons.

    Go to the do get totally shit faced, abuse the head of shed ring the bell countless time and remember to vom on the decking.

    Worked for me and mine and he's still serving ;)
    • Like Like x 1
  15. In that case, get as pissed as you can on free booze. Look at birds' tits leeringly, leave the seat up and wee on the carpet mat thingy under the bog.

    Be sure to steal something. Even if it's a bar of soap.

    Slurp your soup.

    Make friends with their dog - that hound will be eating your curry leftovers and will love you forever. The hosts may not invite you back though (Whoopsie).

    Just go as you are. Fuck em.

    Hope this helps.

    Lady Dale of Snailsville xxx

    P.S. No need to be scared of me, I'm nice and fluffy and all that bollocks really.

    P.P.S. Until someone fucks me off.