So your Other Half wants to do an Ironman event.....

Discussion in 'The Other Half' started by Goatman, Apr 19, 2012.

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  1. Goatman

    Goatman LE Book Reviewer

    here y'go folks ( apologies that it's written in American ) :)
    A dating guide to understanding your triathlete (or runner or cyclist…)

    ”I am an outdoors type of person.”
    Really means: I train in any type of weather. If it’s raining, snowing, 90 degrees w/100% humidity, or winds gusting at 30 mph. I don’t want to hear any complaints because I will still train in it and you’re just a big wuss for complaining about it.

    ”I enjoy riding my bike.”
    Really means: With or without aero bars, alone or in a peloton, I don’t care. If you can’t do a spur of the moment 30 miler then you’re not my type. I will let you draft, but if you can’t hang and I drop you – I will see you later. I am a capable mechanic, but don’t expect me to change your flats or tune your bike. You need to learn that on your own.

    ”I enjoy jogging.”
    Really means: Let’s run hills until we puke. I have just as many shoes as you only mine are better because they are functional and all look the same.

    ”I enjoy dining out.”
    Really means: I enjoy eating out, in or anywhere else I can find food. Don’t be shy because with the amount of food I eat, you can have that main entree instead of a salad and you will still look as though you eat like a rabbit in comparison. Don’t get your limbs too close though as I may take a bite out of you. Most importantly don’t expect any taste off my plate unless you can bring something to the party like more food. Eventually though if you’re not burning 4,000+ calories a day you’re going to plump up and have a terrible complex due to watching me eat desserts and not gain any weight. Friends and family will eventually decide not to dine with us anymore due to my horrid table manners. Oh, and no talking during breakfast, 2nd breakfast, mid-morning snack, lunch, afternoon lunch, dinner or recovery dinner as it does not lend to efficient food intake.

    ”I enjoy quiet walks on the beach.”
    Really means: A 20 minute warmup walk on the beach breaking into an 8 mile run and then plunging myself in the ocean for a 2 miler. If you get in my way, you’re going to find out what “mass start” means, and let me assure you that you don’t want to find out.

    “I find fulfilment in charitable work.”
    Really means: If I am not racing, I am volunteering or cheering on my buddies and I expect you to be there alongside me as I stand out in 90 degree weather for 8-18 hours handing out sports drink to cyclists going 20 mph. Just stick the ol’ arm out there and hope it doesn’t get taken off.

    ”I enjoy sharing quiet moments together.”
    Really means: It’s taper time. Just back off because I am strategizing, trying to get into the zone and in a pissy mood because I am worried about my “A” race and can’t work out.

    ”I am an active person.”
    Really means: Aside from my 40 hour job (and the 8 mandatory hours of sleep a night), 10 hours a week are devoted to myself during the off-season and 20 during race season – leaving us 4 hours. 2 of which will be spent inhaling food and you not talking to me (see above), so let’s make the best of the 2 hours we will spend together on average each day.

    NOTE: If you are a licensed massage therapist or doctor this would make the most optimal use of our time together. Nutritionist is also acceptable, but I probably already know just as much as you.

    ”I enjoy road trips and vacations.”
    Really means: You have your choice of British Columbia, Louisville, Wisconsin, Idaho, Florida, California, Arizona, and New York, but don’t expect to do much site seeing. But if I get enough support from you, we might be able to include Hawaii in there.

    ”I enjoy sightseeing
    .” Really means: Let’s grab a mountain bike and get our HR’s up to 90% powering up the hill. There’s plenty of time to look around on the descent as trees and bushes whiz by at 40 mph.

    ”I like stimulating conversation.”
    Really means: while we are running, we can talk about food. Then we can talk about how we decided what to wear on this run based on the temperature at start time versus the temperature at the time we expect to finish, how horribly out of shape we are, how many miles we did last week, and how many we will do this week and next week. Then we can talk about food.

    ”I enjoy relaxing soaks in the tub.”
    Really Means: I’m going to stop on the way home and buy two bags of ice, throw them in the tub with some water, and sit in this torture chamber for 30 minutes.

    ”I’m interested in photography.”
    Really Means: My camera is permanently perched on a tripod in front of my trainer. I obsess over taking photos of my bike position and analyzing them to get the perfect set-up.

    ”I’m into in technology.”
    Really Means: My heart rate monitor and bike computer are my best friends. Until you can give me some hard data that can improve my training, don’t bother trying to buddy up to me. You could one day break into the top three if you recognize and feed my dependancy by buying me more gear.

    Article courtesy of an anonymous Triathlete who is likely still single, from Toronto, and who competed rather well the Lake Placid Ironman in 2006. For a small fee we’ll connect you to this handsome and successful individual…(works “downtown” Toronto in the “money business”)
  2. I used to share a flat with a semi-professional triathlete and can relate to a lot of this article. He used to come home, open the fridge and throw out my other flatmates food. He was like a man possessed..."What is this crap? How can these people put this shit in their bodies? These people are subhuman, they disgust me!"

    He was ripped to **** and had the body of an adonis often coming to my door stripped to the waist in his skin tight triathlon attire. But would I? Nope, I shut the door on him time and again. It would never have worked, no one could put up with anyone so **** for any length of time. He was alright as a flatmate as I was doing circuits 4 or 5 times a week at the time and he was pretty much my free personal trainer, but well, to date him I'd never have been allowed to eat chocolate or have a drink again = no thanks!
    • Like Like x 1
  3. Fixed that for you.
  4. Schaden

    Schaden LE Book Reviewer

    Boozy doing 4-5 circuits a week?
  5. Once upon a time yes! Not anymore though - at the time I had no telly but a gold gym membership (yearly paid in advance), and I lived next door to it, so I used to go every day nearly... killed some time and was determined to get my moneys worth. On the days I didn't do circuits or gym I went swimming. I live elsewhere now and just go to spinning classes when I feel reasonably energetic.
  6. Goatman

    Goatman LE Book Reviewer

    A mate of mine is training for cycle ride UK-Venice this year.....his missus has banished the bike from the hall but I suspect he's had to work hard to avoid being banished to the garage himself.

    I can recognise small bits of the behaviour - there but for the grace of God and extreme old age.....
  7. I am no triathlete but I do cycle with several who are ....and even more so regular competitors in Iron Man etc .
    All of the first post rings true in one form or another ( my best mate who is an Iron man regular for example is currently going out with a nutritionalist )
    All the men & women I know who do extreem endurance type events conform to a type .... self reliant , mentaly very sorted and strong , dedicated beyond the norm and some of the nicest people to spend time with I know.
  8. Are you for ******* real? I used to live with a girl who was a professional mountain biker and the national 3rd fastest cross country rider in the States which is quite a big deal (she liked to remind me of that). Her and ALL of her mates were an absolute nightmare to be around. Beyond obsessive, extremely self involved, bitchy, slightly insecure as their whole lives were about competition and they ALL stole food/ told you your food was wrong. Complete shower of twats.

    I also had a student when I was a watersports instructor who was a professional Ironman competitor and he was the most bloody minded pushy ****** I've ever had the misfortune to be around. He'd broken up with his previous 2 girlfriend's because they "Weren't behind his training" and apparently this was the norm for people competing at his level. Couldn't cope with people not "Operating at his level".

    That of my best mates from home runs ultra marathons and is one of the nicest blokes you could hope to meet. Works as a human rights lawyer and runs 60 milers on Saturdays. He is however the only endurance type athlete I've ever known who wasn't a raging **** or who did not at least frequently display extremely ****-like characteristics.
  9. Bollox.

    I'm a sadly afflicted triathlete, and love my sport. The Mrs does too, we met at running club and it works really well. We manage to bring up two kids with a third on the way and still compete and manage to give the boys time.

    Ironman is as good as it gets, I've never had a feeling of fulfilment quite like crossing that line for the first time. It makes you think you can do anything and then some. It's a sport that takes in a huge circle of folks from middle and back of packers like us right up to the pros like Chrissie. You actually get to race and mix with some of the finest and friendliest athletes in the world. It's a magical sport, and believe it or not a family sport. Our two boys merrily do junior tri, are out with us on the bikes at least once a week, and while we're swim training open water they're sailing. They're out and about doing sport whilst their peers are playing on the X box. So no it's not necessarily bad for the family.

    Triathlon welcomes those of all abilites, and often the person who gets the biggest applause is the last one over the line. Those guys show some real guts to stick it out.

    The rest is probably true, a 30 mile bike ride is a warm up, life without running would be awful, and we eat huge quantities of food. No we're not obsessed, but we do love the sport but not above the kids. We admit to being bike bores, but hell I'd rather do a bike ride, or a run, or a few k in the pool in the evening than watch Eastenders. We do admit to having too many Tri friends, and yes we all talk about the same crap but hell it beats drugs and drink.
  10. but hell it beats drugs and drink

    You've obviously not tried the right sorts of drink or drugs
    • Like Like x 1
  11. Couldn't agree more with this post - the only reason I sort of got along with my triathlete flat mate was that he mistakenly believed I was some kind of athlete too... I was always wearing running tights and tees and just in from the gym or going when he saw me and my food at the time largely consisted of cheap vegetables. But like I say, this was because I had no TV (the treadmills at the gym did!) and I was a student with no actual money for junk food, otherwise I'd have been thrown on the "disgrace to humanity" heap with my other flatmates.
  12. Norn -i- m, mate you are obsessed and so's your wife. Just remember that all those last finishers that so gutsily stuck it out are the slow swimmers that got half-drowned in the mass-start by the Phiz nazis swimming over them.

    Triathlon is good, hard sport BUT you have to be obsessive to compete at it and an extremist to be any good. And extremism is selfish and unpleasant to others.