So you want to be a police officer?

Discussion in 'The Lamp and Sandbag II - The Tall Story Strikes B' started by Trotsky, Oct 27, 2004.

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    When you start your job, you get to wear only one colour, blue. You work all hours of the day and night, on your wedding anniversary, at Christmas and on the day your child is the star of the kindergarten ballet and recital.

    When there are explosions, gunshots or screams, you run towards them. You must love children, even those who are shooting at you. You have to be able to separate a bottle wielding husband from a knife wielding wife, with no injury to anyone. Then, when you arrest one, the other jumps on your back and attacks you. People curse you, you can't curse back. People hate you and you can't hate back.

    You have to be an expert in criminal law, a counsellor, a negotiator, perfect at crowd control, a therapist, a marksman, a hero, a psychic, an expert in race relations, be able to deliver a baby, climb a rope, scale a wall, have the analytical intelligence of Sherlock Holmes, the sensitivity of Jesus Christ and be able to hit like George Foreman. You can never lose your temper.

    If you give a driver a ticket for doing 55mph in a 30mph limit crowded with kids, the driver will demand to know why you aren't chasing criminals instead of respectable citizens like him. If you chase a criminal who then pulls a gun and you shoot him, it's your fault, and sometimes you are prosecuted.

    If you chase a madman who's driving a car and there's a crash, its always your fault. If you don't believe it's your fault, just listen to the television news and read the newspaper reports and they will set you straight.

    If you pursue, wrestle, handcuff and arrest an armed robber, and get bruised and bloodied, and forget to dot an I or cross a T, a judge, or panel of judges, or a whole court will tell you it's your fault, and release a dangerous criminal into the community.

    You have to solve major crimes in a day, or you're not doing your job. If you stop five minutes for lunch, you are lazy. If you accept a cup of coffee, you are on the take. If you get to the scene five minutes after the call for help, you are berated for not getting there faster.

    You have to know more about chemicals than a chemist. You have to know more about chemical reactions in a human being than a doctor does, and when you break into a crack house, you can never forget to caution the assorted collection of criminals who are racing for doorways, jumping out of windows, punching you in the face, and running to the bathroom to relieve themselves of the evidence. If the criminals don't get rid of the evidence then their state funded defence will attack you in court, and of course, it's your fault.

    In a hostage situation, if you shoot the hostage taker, you are a murderer, and if you don't shoot him and continue to talk to him, and someone is injured, you are indecisive.

    You are unpopular all the time, every hour, every day, until someone needs you. Pay isn't great, hours are ridiculous and you probably won't see regular shifts until you've been in the job for fifteen years.

    If you are still interested in being a Police officer, you can apply immediately by calling recruitment branch on 0207 230 1212.
  2. Thought it was black? Blue shirts haven't been worn for ages and never in the Met tmk. Agree with everything else though 8O
  3. No, not really. :wink:
  4. I want to be a Lumberjack...
  5. For fast track promotion in the Police you need to be Black/Brown, Homosexual, Muslim or a Freemason.

    Why do Homosexual Police need their own Association ?

    Why do Black Police need their own Association ?
  6. Do they allow homosexual Muslim in the Masons? Seems to be the way to crack it. I've friends in Dallas police. He is ex-Brit, she is black. He joined a year before her. He has done exactly the same courses and has similar conf reports etc. They are married. She is a Captain he is sergeant. Go figure as they say
  7. I'm a Lumberjack and I'm ok....

    Ask Manchestercop, he started the Association. :D
  8. My wife is a police officer. She has never handcuffed me however.

    But she has forced confessions out of me.
  9. i come from 3 generations of policemen so i know some of that stuff too.
  10. You do get a funky looking hat though
  11. I suggest you look at the post just after yours, cos it happens here too, even more so back when the assoc started.
  12. why need a black police association when the Police federation is the Union for ALL police officers.
    IF the Blacks/asians/sikhs/Muslims don't like what is going on in the federation then put themselves up for election to the Board and try to change things from inside, instead of running into their little club to lick their wounds and moan in private.
    not pc but very true
  13. Sorry, WHO exactly wants to be a police officer? Not me - I can think of better ways to spend my time than sitting around in panda cars with ridiculously overweight colleagues, scoffing takeways, being sarcastic to people who tried harder at school, and praying, just PRAYING that someone will give me the chance to break out my CS deoderant.

    Much rather be in the Army thanks. Uniform's better, we get to travel the world being heroes, and the general public actually like us!

    It's the ARMY rumour service, innit?
  14. Its not quite like that believe me , that would be true in USA mind that what you get for watching tooo many US cop movies :lol:
    not in Northern Ireland especially Bandit country mnd you :wink: