So who wants all the pie eaters than

#1
Army ready for heavyweight soldiers


The Ministry of Defence has decided weight limits designed to screen out fat and unfit applicants are also excluding some of the strongest candidates

They have to be to carry all that lard around.

However, there is a recognition that brute strength can be useful for tasks such as carrying artillery for extended periods, and building bridges.

I thought the 105 was underslung, not carried on the backs of the Gun bunnies.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/articles/news/news.html?in_article_id=373502&in_page_id=1770
 
#3
Somone who I had a BMI of about 30, 2 above the previous standard, completed cambrian patrol in a team that achieved silver. As long as they can pass the BPFA and CFT etc why shouldn't we have a use for them? He's a rugby player, they often have high BMIs but are still fit and strong
 
#5
I saw a (white) Fijian lad when I was working on Satisfied Soldier who had been told to lose two stone before he joined. The lad didn't have an ounce of fat on him, he did have arms the size of my thighs and a chest of roughly the same proportion as a cart horse though.
 

ugly

LE
Moderator
#6
jimmys_best_mate said:
I saw a (white) Fijian lad when I was working on Satisfied Soldier who had been told to lose two stone before he joined. The lad didn't have an ounce of fat on him, he did have arms the size of my thighs and a chest of roughly the same proportion as a cart horse though.
Had a civvy work medical once and the quack told me not to be bothered by all the BMI rubbish. He told me of a Samoan rugby player that he couldnt pass on the BMI system so he lied. The bloke was roughly 3 Bricksh1thouses wide and carried very little fat. A true second row of about 5 foot 11 and 20 stone. Could benchpress 350lbs for about 25 minutes without strain. He was given a job based on his rugby skills so the physical was a waste of space really!
 
#7
theres a diffrence between the huge brickshithouse bloke whose fit as fuck and the lard eater just put them through a bft can't pass your unfit can pass your in.
normally the bfi is a good indicator that your fat but its only an indicator. if you have a high bmi don't play a lot of sport work in an office chances are you are a human pie machine.
if you are physically active and big chances are your not made of lard
 

maninblack

LE
Book Reviewer
#8
These day I am a considerable porker, however, when I was discharged from the regular army I was 6 feet tall and I had a 32 inch waist, a 48 inch chest and could do a BFT in a smidge over 9 minutes if I bothered putting any effort into it. My final medical had me listed as grossly overweight due to this stupid BMI calculation.
 
#9
maninblack said:
These day I am a considerable porker, however, when I was discharged from the regular army I was 6 feet tall and I had a 32 inch waist, a 48 inch chest and could do a BFT in a smidge over 9 minutes if I bothered putting any effort into it. My final medical had me listed as grossly overweight due to this stupid BMI calculation.
I heard it was the other way round , a 32 inch chest and a 48 inch waist line
Even heard they called you wizbit after the cone shaped kids character from the 80's.
 

maninblack

LE
Book Reviewer
#10
Sabre said:
maninblack said:
These day I am a considerable porker, however, when I was discharged from the regular army I was 6 feet tall and I had a 32 inch waist, a 48 inch chest and could do a BFT in a smidge over 9 minutes if I bothered putting any effort into it. My final medical had me listed as grossly overweight due to this stupid BMI calculation.
I heard it was the other way round , a 32 inch chest and a 48 inch waist line
Even heard they called you wizbit after the cone shaped kids character from the 80's.
No, Wizbit is used for unconnected reasons and is related to the odd occasion when smoke and the smell of burning rubber emits from my crotch.
 
#11
RLC Marchwood, surely they've got some hulls that need ballast. :wink:
 
#12
medman82 said:
old_bloke said:
Army ready for heavyweight soldiers

Posted by a thin person then...CNUT

Stop being sizist..everyone has a use..
I agree with Medman. Everyone has a use. Think what a disaster it would be if every unit didn't have a duty fat bloke to take the mickey out of. You know the bloke I mean. No matter how much lager you've drank the night before PT, there's always someone that your going to beat on the cross country. He looks funny in a uniform, especially when he's in a combat jacket and goes for the "webbing belt under the p-iss tank" option.

The army would be a lot less colourful without these tubby figures of fun around.

You wouldn't be able to skive on FIBUA training without fat blokes. You could read a book in the time it takes to get the c-unts up a ladder or through those sewage tunnels.
 
#13
On leaving i had a medical at my doctors. The nurse told me that according to the chart I was way way overweight! She then told me to not worry about it as it was obvious i was not fat just played a lot of rugby. However, that was over 5 years ago and I can't use the same excuses!!!!

The charts are balls. You know if your fat, your normally the one trying to believe that your just thick boned!!

OS
 

Cutaway

LE
Kit Reviewer
#14
convoy_cock said:
...

You wouldn't be able to skive on FIBUA training without fat blokes. You could read a book in the time it takes to get the c-unts up a ladder or through those sewage tunnels.
Always found they were quick through the tunnels.
Three blokes stuff the fat cnut inside then lob two or three thunderflashes behind him.
If the tunnel is in the right direction they're great breaching tools.
 
#15
Mind you, do you remember the horror of getting paired up with one of 'em on Battle PT 8O 8O

If you listened carefully you could actually hear your shin bones shearing on the fireman's lifts.
 
#16
When did all this BMI come into it then? I thought that's what the fitness tests were there for- the pull ups, the run, the 18 and a half inch standing jump, or in the case of the Navy, the 6 and a half inch kneeling bum.

Which makes me think, should the army change it's fitness tests to reflect the real physical requirements of the british soldier, possible tasks could be-

A. The 5 pints before needing a waz.
B. The intoxicated vending machine smash up.
C. The horizontal bed swamp.
D. The burying your junk in a german hooker and catching a dose task.
E. The pinballing into your oppo's pit space sporting a new coat of varnish (still steaming in the moonlight) on your schlong, offering him twos up on the bird you've just smuggled into the block.

Obviously this is just a quick over thought, any further ideas on a shake up in the army's recruiting process are more than welcome
 
#17
I would certainly encourage the introduction of a bezzering element in the new fitness test.

Potential candidates would be asked to consume 8 or 9 pints of medium strength lager.

Candidates would be failed and refused admission into the Army if they pulled up a "NO" on the DS checklist below:

A. Did candidate, when pointing at someone, actually point at a location somewhere above and to the right of their shoulder YES/NO

B. Did candidate embrace friend in an ineffectual headlock YES/NO

C. Did candidate offer friend half the amount of a non-existent lottery win YES/NO

D. Did candidate sob to such an extent that everybody within a 50 metre radius was too embarrassed to continue drinking YES/NO

E. Did candidate offer friend a compliment, a cigarette and the threat of physical violence within the space of one sentence YES/NO
 
#18
Immediately after threatening friend, did the candidate offer out a completely innocent by-stander. YES/NO

Did candidate proclaim that he didn't have a brother, but if he did it would be the friend that he had in a headlock. YES/NO

During the bezzering exam, were there visible signs of soiling in the candidates trousers. YES/NO
 
#19
If it was up to me, I wouldn't just have it as an entrance test. I'd instigate the Basic Bezzering Test to be taken yearly by all serving soldiers. A failure to come up to scratch during the annual test would result in the soldier being placed on Remedial Bezzering. The shame, the shame. Can you imagine getting put on Remedial Bezzering. Once a week, until you got off it, you and the other Rem Biffs would get marched down to the nearest pub, by the unit BTI and get Bezzer Beasted until you came up to the required standards.

BTI - "Right, you c-unts. You've all had 9 pints. You with the muzzy. Pay me a compliment."

Rem Biff - "You, you, you've always been more than fair to me."

BTI - "What the fcuk was that? That wasn't bezzering. It was borderline queggetry. Hold my pint and listen (clears throat) See you, mate. See you. I fcuking love you, mate. You're a fcuking smasher. I'm not fcuking queer or owt but I fcuking love you. I wish my sister had a fcuking boyfriend like you, but if you fcuk her about i'll fcuking kill you." (gets pint back). Does everyone understand?

Rem Biffs - "Yes, Corporal."

BTI - "Extra points are awarded for the intra-sentence change from bonhomie to aggression. Use of the word fcuking to break up a single word is bezzering gold ie abso-fcuking-lutely. Start fcuking sparking lads. It's not called the BASIC bezzering test for nothing lads. Any cu-nt can pass it. You with the Popeye tattoo, when is a bezzers evening complete?"

Rem Biff after some head scratching - "Corporal. The bezzers evening is complete when he is alone in his bedspace, sat in a chair fast asleep, with his trousers round his ankles and the telly on full blast"

BTI - "Why are his trousers round his ankles"

Rem Biff - Because he is too pi-ssed to locate legitimate filth, he has been attempting to maintain wood and have a thrap whilst watching the ten minute free view on Red Hot 40+"

BTI - "Extra points?"

Rem Biff - "Extra points can be achieved if he is still actually cradling his wilted pen-is like a dead vole, Corporal"

BTI - "Excellent, now we're fcuking getting somewhere."



Anyone care to continue?
 
#20
For minor lack of bezzing there could be bez parades, behind the guard at 1800 hours.
The orderly officer would approach the soldier in question, (who would be swaying after spending the afternoon drinking in the NAAFI bar to prepare for the ordeal).
Orderly Officer- "Right young man, what are you on parade for?"
Buckshee Tom- "Lack of Bezzering, Sir. I failed to tell my entire troop that I loved them at the Sqn Christmas Do, Sir."
OO- "Well you know how the Army frowns on this, so let's see if you've learned anything."
At this point the Tom pushes his chest out and after a short while a hissing noise permeates the air. As the dark stain spreads across his twos dress trousers, the Tom's eyes fill with tears and he screams "I FCUKING LOVE YOU!" He then swings a huge hay maker that wafts past the inspecting officers face, missing by several feet, the momentum making him fall to the ground. Where the tom sobs "You're me mate, you are, no seriously, If I was married and my missus to have an affair, I'd want it to be with you. THE FCUKING BITCH! I'll kill her!"

Orderly officer "Good, well done. Now make sure I don't see you here again, you should know better."
 

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