He needs to do the done thing.
Don full Mess Dress (Privately purchased) and use Cadet Rifle to ventilate his swede.
'Military' Funeral with mixed bag of fellow paedos, odd bods and hobbyists attending to follow.
Such a shit rag that there appears not to be a link to this story anywhere on their website, in fact the picture of the headline runs next to a story about students getting support for their exam results.
However, it does seem that Salcoats town hall caught fire. I eagerly await the next ground breaking scoop